a matter of time

I have so many things I want to write about, but can never seem to land on a topic long enough to come up with anything. I think it's because I've learned over the past year that a lot of the things that seem to constantly be on my mind also cast a shadow over my spirit and are simply things out of my control that are better pushed to the side of my thoughts. Things that only time will resolve and reveal, and I just need to wait.

I feel like I write too much about the topic of waiting, but that's the season of life I'm in right now. A lot of areas in my life cause me to practice this. Waiting for approval to finish a job, waiting on information to complete a list, waiting for healing, waiting on the Lord...waiting.

Right now there are a couple of things I want to grasp in my hands and fix, to make better, change, or finish. But in these situations, that's completely and entirely impossible. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it's not that my hands are tied behind my back and I'm completely helpless - because that's exactly how it feels - but it's a matter of faith, of total surrender to the Lord's will and timing. It's trusting Him to finish the job as He sees fit, and in the timing He's ordained.

Faith still doesn't always come natural to me. I'm someone who naturally wants to get things done and take action. It's one of the few things I inherited from my mom - Ladies' Meeting at 6:30? Our dishes are prepared and on a warming tray at 3:00. She calls herself a Martha, and I feel the same way so often. When you're naturally bent in that direction, sitting with empty hands and a troubled heart makes you feel so helpless.

Waiting. I asked my dad about it a few months ago, talked to him about how I knew it was simple enough, but didn't understand why God required so very much of it for some people, why even in it's simplicity it can be so hard. He reminded me that waiting can be another word for serving - like when you're at a restaurant, the job of your waiter is to serve you. Perhaps that's what God wants more of from me, from others - service. Wholeheartedly for Him. It's a lesson in patience, in service, in surrender.

Just a matter of time. I can flip back in the pages of my life and see things that have come to fruition quietly. Things that used to be such a big deal to me, but somewhere over the years they became smaller in my mind until they were resolved, and I didn't even notice. One day I'll look back on today, on the burdens that are so heavy for me, and realize God had a perfect plan. Yes, these burdens truly are bigger, more life-changing, and yet, however badly I resist, they are inevitable. I'll look back and see change and heartache, but I'll also see grace. 

If God can show me grace through the lonely days, through the difficult changes, surely I can be gracious in my service towards Him. It's just a matter of time until He reveals the reasons, shows us the full picture.

A Mendicant of God

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne

And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.

I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart

I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.

This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."

He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."

I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,

As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.

I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,

He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

-Martha Snell Nicholson

NYC | travel post

New York City is somewhere I've always thought would be so. much. fun. to visit, but never thought I would. Not in my single 20's, anyway. Our family vacations are usually in more relaxing, restful locations so I just didn't give it a lot of thought. (Except, you know, "wow, that would be fun.")

Until this summer at a family reunion talking to one of my cousins about how our traveling friends were all starting to get married and the ones still willing to travel with us weren't interested in the big cities.

"We should go!"

"A family girls trip? Yes!"

"Hey mom, y'all wanna go to New York City for a weekend?"

By the next week we had bought our plane tickets. A few weeks later our hotel was booked. Then we bought city passes, bus tickets, and last Wednesday we got up at 3:30am to get on a plane!

all of our selfie stick photos

We got there at 10:30am, checked into our hotel room (30th floor!)...

...then grabbed coffee and pastries on our way to Grand Central Station. We giggled our way through our first subway ride on our way to Times Square. Wednesday also included the Top off the Rock,  Central Park, and the Museum of Natural History. We ended the day soaking our feet and eating take out Chinese food after walking around 8 miles.

The second day (Thursday) found us on the top of a double decker bus where we saw a whole lot of the city on our way to the 911 monument and museum. We walked what felt like forever to find a TKTS booth to buy our Broadway tickets (sold at half price in 3 locations in the city), then got drenched on the rest of the bus ride but saw the United Nations building, Trump Tower, and a lot of other stuff that wasn't on our list. ;)  We came back to our room late that afternoon and got dressed up to go see Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway (after walking nearly 10 miles). On the way to the subway we stopped at Momofuku's (a milk bar) for their famous cereal milk ice cream (worth it!), and on the way back stopped to take a picture at Tiffany's. Fiddler was incredible, and it also allowed us to see Times Square at night. Since it was nearly a 3 hour play, we once again ate Chinese food because even in NYC, most restaurants are closed at 11pm and we wanted to just eat in bed. We walked over 11 miles that day!

On our third day in the city (Friday) we got up a bit earlier and headed to the Statue of Liberty. It was a cold morning and we rode on [the very windy] top of the Ellis Island Ferry. The statue was beautiful, though, and we also saw Trinity Church ("on the corner of Broad and Main"), the bull of Wall Street, and ate lunch at Shake Shack! It lived up to it's wonderful reputation - I ordered the Shack Burger, cheese fries, and a chocolate malted. We took the hoho (hope on/hop off) bus again and saw some more of the city. We walked around Chinatown, went in "the" Macy's on 5th Avenue (34th Street) and bought some warm clothes at H&M and Forever21 (only place we could afford on 6th Avenue haha) for the 2-hour nighttime bus tour of Manhattan and Brooklyn. We were frozen solid when we got off, so we got a pepperoni pizza from Ray's and a slice of blueberry cheesecake from Lindy's and took it back to the room. Walked over 10 miles again altogether.

Saturday morning we packed our stuff up, got one last bagel and acai bowl, and walked down 5th Avenue. We went in Saks, St. Paul's Cathedral, and got coffee at Ralph's Coffee above Ralph Lauren before heading back to catch our ride to the airport!

We're still catching up on sleep and I have a new appreciation for the quiet calm of my little southern town ("green acres is the place for me!"), but I wouldn't trade this experience or the memories we made for anything. It was an incredible adventure that I'm so thankful to have had.

And since we took pictures of practically everything we ate, here are those... ;)

change

It's fall, y'all! Actually, it's been fall for nearly a week, but this is my first chance to sit and write about it.

Actually, no, that's not true. I've had many chances, but I made gingersnaps with pumpkin dip one day, and then another day it was chocolate chip cookies for a church picnic. On my day off I went shopping for an upcoming trip, got a whole lot of hair chopped off, and celebrated with a PSL! (pumpkin spice latte...except in frappucino form because it's like sipping on pumpkin pie.) 

Usually I'm reluctant to welcome Fall because I am not a cold weather girl and Fall is the doorway to Winter. However, I've been craving change for some time now and the crisp mornings and cozy evenings are exactly what my soul's been needing. I'm even looking forward to a cold Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. A new year with new motivation and new chances. Ah, yes, I'm ready for change. Funny how a difficult season can make something you don't normally appreciate so very attractive. I feel like I'm running towards Fall with my arms wide open. Let me forget Summer for a moment and relish in the smells and sensations that are Autumn.

Change is such a funny thing. Some changes we wholeheartedly embrace, welcoming them with every fiber of our being. Some however, even when they are good and the best choice, rip our hearts out in the process. I was reminded of this the other day when one of my older neighbors asked us to help her move. She has made this choice for herself, and in many ways she's excited about it. She will be so relived once she's taken the final step, but regardless of all of that, her eyes pooled up as the rest of her face smiled. Change is difficult no matter how old you are.

72 hours later...

I quit writing 3 days ago because something came up and I closed my folder and it slipped quietly out of my mind. Today, however, I was suddenly bombarded all at once with people emailing, texting, and even telling me in person that it was time for another post. I don't feel like it today. The words I want to write are spilling down my cheeks because they won't form. They are an emotion I cannot describe, cannot pinpoint, do not understand. An emotion I had forbidden, had restrained, but is sometimes stronger than I am.

This changes the entire tone of this post. It started out as a crisp fall morning with a refreshing scent and delicious feel. Now the shadows have lengthened, it's gotten a little musty, and has a slightly bitter aftertaste. I really didn't want to change direction. Change...

I titled this post before I wrote the first word. Before inspiration struck, I had change on my mind. And this is how change works. One morning we've finally let go of those worries and doubts and cares. A few days later we find we've picked them back up and then some.

"Change" has many shapes and forms, can be big or small, can rearrange our lives or simply our minds. We never welcome it exactly the same. Sometimes we're ready, but often we're not.

Ah, friends, I'm laying it back down. I've stopped asking God for help with some things, I've started just giving them to Him. I like to grab them back a lot, I'm selfish and I'm always trying to fix everything, even the things I can't. He is so, so real. You know this, I know this, but we don't always live like it. Sometimes I can't get my prayers past my lips, sometimes He's right beside me, understanding before I've even formed my thought. We should only crave the change He requires. Surrender is so very hard because I don't know where it will lead, but I'm ready to hand it all over.

Have you reached this point with me? You probably reached it long before me. It's taking me a long time, and I have to go one day at a time, slowly changing my mindset, my actions, my heart. It's a painful process, but when I can look back and see the hard choices I've made and His blessings upon them, I'm willing to make more change.

It is time to see how beautiful dead things can be. I refuse to resurrect the old man or to "dig up in doubt what I planted in faith."

first in my heart

 "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

It's difficult sometimes. When the dreams and plans you've been building for years slowly start crumbling around you, it's difficult to remember that He's still good. As those pieces of the hopes you've had begin tumbling, you scramble after them, chasing, grasping, desperately trying to put them back together. But the harder you try, the more impossible it seems, and the more scattered those precious pieces of hopes become. Slipping away, impossible to retrieve.

As I've tried to write this for a couple of weeks now, I couldn't get past the first paragraph. I thought of giving examples, sharing some of the struggles my friends and even I have faced in this past year. But when I went back to our conversations, our shared tears and heartbreaks, I couldn't overlook the way every conversation concluded.

"I know God has a plan."

"I'm sure the Lord is teaching me something through this."

"I just have to wait on Him, and trust that He knows best."

Waiting is hard when the end isn't in sight. But the longer I wait the more I find a place of peace. In the moments when I want to question Christ, when I just don't understand and can't make sense of the things He allows, it's as if He shoves a reminder in my face.  For example...

Weirdly enough, two of my very favorite parts of the day are my 7 minute drives to and from work. On the way there, I sip my coffee and listen to music. On the way home, I sip my water and listen to music. The past few days, every song (actually just 2 or 3 because I'm a repeat kind of girl) has been about the sacrifice that Calvary required. How very deep the Father's love is for us, to give His only son to pay our ransom. It was my sin that held my Savior to the tree.

And then this morning, the words and the melody of a song wrapped themselves around me like a familiar, comforting blanket. I don't know what was more meaningful - the words, or the familiarity of the song itself. One I've been singing since before I can remember singing. One I've heard since birth when my parents sang it as they put me to bed, one I've sung in the nursery, when I babysat, and to my nephews and niece. A song sung at funerals, at weddings, during nearly every holiday, and during many church services.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound... How sweet the sound. His grace is amazing, vast, and completely forgiving.

...that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see. Even after salvation, He seeks us out, He finds us.

But my own personal favorite hymn?

Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that thou art... I think that if we could look beyond the circumstances we find ourselves in and focus on Him, the "things of earth will grow strangely dim" and nothing would matter but Him.

...thou and thou only, first in my heart... Shouldn't this be my goal? For Him to be first in everything? Every dream, every wish, every hope. Him first. Always. "Abhorring all my sin, adoring only Him."

I want to have a family. I want my friends to have a baby. I want health for the sick, comfort for the widow, love for the lonely.

But if not, He is still good.

where God is

As a girl - the very girly, ruffles and lace kind - I have my share of what you might call "dreamy days". I think any female reading this knows what I'm talking about. On these days, your head is in the clouds, you feel a mix of fullness and emptiness, your emotions war between joy and sadness, and you're overall not as productive as you are on other days.

Dreamy days. Usually for me it's after late night reading that bled into the wee hours of the morning. Reading the end of a book, falling immediately asleep and dreaming that I'm the girl I just read about. Waking is such sweet sorrow... (sorry Shakespeare, I had to tweak it to fit what I'm trying to say.)

No, I did not travel to the Holy Land last night and meet Mr. Right. I did not ride a horse along the Jordan River or pray by the Sea of Galilee. I did not spend the night at an inn in Bethlehem...but are those things on my bucket list now? Absolutely. Not that they weren't already on it, I just hadn't considered riding an Arabian horse down the streets of Jerusalem. Now that I know you can, I'll have to add it!

The thing is, I think we need dreamy days. I think God has placed a desire in my heart to be a wife, a mother. Maybe even this desire to travel is from Him, I don't know. But I don't think it's wrong for me to think of those things, dream of those days. I just have to keep in mind that while it's yet to be, He is here with me. I thought it fitting this morning as I struggled with the desire to stay asleep and finish my oh so sweet dream, that my Bible reading was in Exodus 20. We think if this chapter as the Ten Commandments chapter, but near the end, in verse 21, the people are afraid. But Moses? Moses just wanted to be near the Lord.

"And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was."

Moses drew near alone. Maybe that's all it takes. A step away from the others, another, and step by step, he became more alone. Step by step, he came closer to the One who held his heart in the palm of His hand. The One who shelters us in the clift of a rock. He hideth my soul. Lessons learned in solitude are the ones that show us our dependence upon Him.

May my desires fade into the background and the desire to be near Him rise to the surface, filling my life, making me wholly His. He seeks us out, and I want to be there, ready to be found, ready to spend time with and near Him.

The future may look a little dark right now because I can't see what it holds. But Moses drew near the thick darkness because that's where God was. As I read last night, the tears in my eyes weren't because the heroine found her hero and I haven't yet. They came when the characters in my book waded into the waters of the River Jordan. Those fictional beings might have fished in the sea of Galilee, but me? I want to kneel on it's banks and pray. The thoughts of being in the same places my Lord was warms me from the inside out. I would love to be there - alone with Him, able to pray and think and absorb. But I may never get to be where God was, my future may not hold it. But that's where God was...and I know where He is.

So I may be a little dreamy today, my head swimming in the clouds, but I want to hide in Him. I want to draw near to the thick darkness. I want to curl up in it, close to Him. Where God is.

february 2015 recap

February was here and gone in the blink of an eye. It was fairly uneventful considering all the other months in the year, but having a bit of a break was really nice. Maybe next month there'll be more pictures, but there just wasn't as much to document this month!

valentine's day
I got to spend the evening with the four cutest sweethearts ever. We made lasagna together, crafted a heart banner that now hangs over my bed, and made chocolate covered popcorn with heart sprinkles. Sometimes being single on Valentine's Day isn't so bad...especially when you're an aunt!

snow
The South finally got her snow! First there was ice...so much ice. Then it began to snow. We got maybe 4 inches, which I realize isn't that much - but it was a big deal around here! I was stuck at home for an entire week because I was too scared my dad didn't want me to drive on the ice covered roads. It lasted from Monday morning until Saturday afternoon. It was beautiful and cold and relaxing and cold and quiet and COLD.

calligraphy
My latest obsession. I started a 30 day calligraphy class and it's much harder than it looks! Two days in and my fingers are permanently stained and my right arm is sore from the elbow down. It's so much fun though, and I'm so excited to learn more!

FROM THE BLOG...

updates and changes - just a little information on what I hope to do with the blog in 2015!
and ice world | picture post - I shared some of my favorite pictures from the day we got iced in. 
gritty details -  simple obedience in everyday life.
break the fast | recipe - eating breakfast can sometimes be a struggle, here's how I deal with that!


Have a lovely March, dear readers!

What were some your favorite moments from February?

gritty details

"The reality is that often the radical abandonment Christ calls us to is not some glamorous sacrifice, but simple obedience in the gritty details of everyday life." 

  

I don’t know where this quote came from other than it was in an email from a friend several years ago. If they came up with it themselves, bravo, because it’s been my “life quote” for some time now.

As I struggled with what to do on this blog a few months ago, I tried going back to the beginning to see why I started it in the first place. I was traveling to Germany with my friends, and it was a way to document and keep our families informed about our journey. I was also one year out of high school, had recently confirmed in my heart that I was not going to go to college, and I guess I thought that that trip was setting some sort of travel themed precedent for the rest of my single life or something.

I kept writing and sharing because it’s something I truly enjoy, and I thought before I knew it, the next destination would be ready for me to document. But there wasn’t a next destination for quite some time, the gritty details of everyday life really aren’t that exciting, and though I’m learning things every day, the “adventurer” inside me isn’t satisfied.

I would never describe myself as an true adventurer though. I’m not a daredevil nor am I very confident. However, I have a curiosity for other places in the world, and a desire to see as much as I possibly can in this lifetime. Once again, though, “as much as I possibly can” isn’t very much at this point in my life.

One of these days, I will be able to take more missions trips. One of these days I will finally go to Ireland. I will stand on the Cliffs of Moher, I will spend the night in a castle. These are things I really and truly believe I will do one day. Maybe I’ll be 50 and have finally been married and have grown children, or maybe it’ll be a spontaneous hurry-and-pack trip or maybe I’ll finally talk some people into going with me… or maybe it won’t happen, and maybe I need to be more content in the gritty details of everyday life. But I think it’s good to have goals and ambitions and dream a little bigger on those days when the everyday is closing in.

I cannot tell you about the glamorous sacrifices God has called me to, because He hasn’t. I rarely have to sacrifice anything – and if I do, it’s really not even a sacrifice, but a simple “no” to something frivolous.  

But neither can I brag about the gritty details of my everyday life. We humans can find the tiniest things to be proud about, and I’m not here to flaunt anything. I have nothing to flaunt, because all that I have and all that I am is a gift that I didn’t earn.

I am here to encourage and uplift when I can. I want this blog to be a happy place, and I will make it that to the best of my ability. My life right now is new recipes, DIY projects, babysitting, church ministry, and quiet days filled with doing my job and reading my books. It’s a simple, happy life that I’m content with. I will forever be reaching for the next thing, trying to skip ahead to the next chapter, and asking God to give me that mountain, but for now, I will enjoy my gritty details.

So whether you're on a big adventure to a place God has called you to, whether you're traveling the globe because it's your chance, or whether you live each day knowing the next one will be similar, know that simple obedience is the calling. The rest will follow, and one is no better than the other.   Embrace the unique, nitty gritty little things that make the day yours.

I realize this post sounds very, very similar to others I've posted recently. Bear with me, I'm figuring it out! ;)

Week's End Review

Let's just take a minute and look at this beautiful little squishy face, shall we? Yes, I do believe it was a good week.

This was one of those weeks where I felt like I saw my family all the time, and yet not at all, you know what I'm saying? Sunday - Wednesday was our Labor Day Meeting at church. It was so good, but I sadly don't have any pictures. I needed to make room in my purse for my Bible, and guess what I took out? My camera. Oh, well. Some memories are better when they've been "snapped" in your mind, anyway!

Although the meeting ended only a half a week ago, it feels like much longer. It's been very busy around here - living in a house under construction and trying to keep it clean plus helping Amie get ready for her two week trip to Indiana had us all running everywhere all the time. One night this week Jacob came over to tear out a coat closet and brought the family. We got to spend some time with them, and that's always nice. :)

I'm on a pumpkin craze right now! I made these pumpkin cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting Friday morning and they. were. so. good. If you're interested in the recipe, let me know! I'll be making them again, especially as we get close to the holidays.

This morning for breakfast I had a cream cheese filled pumpkin muffin with my English Breakfast Tea. Another wonderful recipe that's a keeper! This recipe made 24 muffins, and with all the construction going on, we've been cooking in a small convection oven that will only bake 6 muffins at a time, so I will not be making these again until after our new kitchen is complete!

Fun Fact: I stayed up until after 11:00pm on a Saturday night making these. Is that an old maid qualification or something? I feel like it is. ;)

RENOVATION/ADDITION UPDATE:

We have light!

tear out the back porch
dig footer

pour footer

lay block

build floor & walls

build roof & put shingles on

take out counters, island, & cabinets

take out wall separating the old from the new

build new pantry walls
electrical started
ceiling dry walled
walls insulated

Not My Will

Written on Valentine's Day, but for some reason never posted. Oops!

Not my will, but yours be done, God.

Oh, the terrible fear that sometimes enters my heart when I release those words.

Did you know, it is not my will to be single this Valentine's Day? Did you know I almost broke down in WalMart today when I walked past the roses and balloons? I'm sure you could have guessed. It's not hard to imagine on this day, of all days.

This is not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

There are so many, many people - girls and guys - in the same place I am. Waiting and wondering if their dreams will ever become a reality, or if they're meant to simply be dreams, blowing away on the winds on time.

When will God's will miraculously morph into my will? When will I stop being selfish and give myself entirely to Him once and for all instead of having to do it multiple times throughout the day? When will I be ok with the fact that for 3 years running my life has looked exactly the same?

This is not my will! Yours be done, God.

What if His will is for me to be 45 years old, living in my parents' home, babysitting my nieces and nephews, and being the secretary at church?

That would not be my will. But if it's yours, Jesus, then let it be done. 

...and really, in the midst of His sovereign grace and goodness, would be be so bad?

I'll be honest with you, I don't want to be single anymore. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'm ok with it, as long as I can do some interesting things during this season of my life. Things like go on Missions Trips, travel to fun places... I'm not too picky.

It's the timeless fight against the old man.

I want change!

Be still.

I'm tired of everything being the same!

Be still.

Not my will? Right. Yours, Lord. Your will be done.

Gently, He shows me His patience with me. In those quiet moments when I get to be alone, just reading or thinking or writing. Those moments that I won't always have once I'm not single, moments to myself that are precious gifts to remind me that there is great contentment in the solitary.  And I realize I love these moments, and one day it will be hard for me to give them up...yes, it's been this way for going on three years, but I have come to love parts of this single life so much. Gentle reminders.

The hard moments are when I go to a wedding or a baby shower and then I leave and I come home and I sit alone in my room feeling jealous. In those moments, my life - and even my attitude -  is not my will.

And that's when He lets me daydream. Planning my own home in my mind. Naming children I dream up in the nurture-bent heart that He's given me.

I am not alone in this battle. Whatever plans you have for yourself - whether God-honoring or not - when they aren't coming to pass, it's hard to let them go. We feel like we have to negotiate with God, "Lord, I would honor you in my marriage, you know I would!" "God, I would raise my children to praise and love you, haven't I proven that to you?" Whatever you're waiting on, there must be a purpose behind the trial, a reason behind the tears. It's hard to remind ourselves of this and it gets old and tiresome, but it's not our will that matters. "Lord, it's your will that matters the most."

I don't know why it's so hard to wait. I don't know why God does the things He does or chooses the timing He chooses.

Some people say when you get to the point where you love God enough, He'll allow whatever you've been so desperately praying for to happen. But we can never love God enough. We can only strive to please Him and work to love Him more each day.

That's my biggest goal for 2014, and I thought it appropriate to share on Valentine's Day.

Release my will, and accept His with open arms. His is so much safer, and all of us can rest and accept whatever it is as long as we have His comforting security.

So as I sit here, alone, 21, single....on Valentine's Day. Again.

It's not my will. Jesus, it's yours.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

As long as I am happy serving Him, He will change my desires to match His, and I will be happier in His will that I could ever be in my own...and this is when His will morphs into mine!

Why Duct Tape is Important

I wrote this when I was eighteen years old and shared it with some of my friends and family. I stumbled across it a while back ago, and seriously thought I had already posted it. I'm not going to lie, it's one of those things that makes me nervous about clicking the little "publish" button. Just keep in mind that this was written 2 years ago, please! I'm still keeping the promises I wrote about, and I still stick to what it says, I just might word it a little differently these days. ;) I hope you enjoy it, please let me know your thoughts in a comment!

___________________

Someday, I'd like to get married. I really would. I think I'd enjoy it, but first I need to find a groom.

But I'm not looking. Really I'm not. I know I grumble and complain about being eighteen and not having a boyfriend and oh, what if that never happens to me, but in all seriousness, I'm not worried. If God wants me to get married, it'll happen in His time, and I honestly believe He'd like me to. I'm not claiming that He personally told me that, but I believes He gives us the desires of our hearts.

So I'm not looking. Do I expect this Mr. Right to show up gift wrapped and perfect? Pretty much. I am waiting on him.

Yes, I have high expectations, and I believe that's ok. I suppose I expect of him what I expect of me. So to describe what he must be, I have to describe what I must be.

I must promise God to never give away a single smidgen of my heart until my wedding day. He can hold it for me while I wait! And I'll let my dad take care of protecting it.

I must promise to serve the Lord, obey my parents, and treat people right.

I must promise to use my talents for God's purpose, to treasure every moment, and choose happiness every day.

I must purpose to pray for my future husband every single day.

But what is the significance of duct tape? That's easy to answer: I wear a promise ring. They're now called purity rings, but I prefer to call mine a promise ring because of all the different promises I've made. On my eighteenth birthday I got my braces taken off, and when I got home a ring I had picked out a few days before had come in the mail. It's a Celtic design (which is a woven design) and I've decided it's my new promise ring. It reminds me to keep my heart and life woven with Christ, and He'll send me someone that I can weave it with here on earth.

But still, duct tape? Ok, so I read a book over the summer titled "Praying for your Future Husband" and it was written partly by one of my all time favorite authors, Robin Jones Gunn.

In the book, she tells a true story about her son.

I cannot remember his name, nor how old he was, but when he was a teenager he went to a summer camp. One day he was helping tear down a tent, and a girl came up to him. She told him to meet her by the lake that night, and she would let him be the one to give her her first kiss, then she walked off. At that moment, he was peeling off the duct tape that was holding one of the posts together. It occurred to him that duct tape is something so small, so seemingly insignificant, but it was strong enough to hold an entire tent up and prevent it from falling and hurting a bunch of people.

On the spur of the moment, he wound some of this duct tape together and made a ring for his ankle. He promised himself he would not take it off until his wedding day when he gave his first kiss away to his bride and let her cut it off. I believe he was fifteen. (He did not meet the girl at the lake.)

True story!

Over the years, as the tape wore thin and became dingy, he simply added more layers. People asked him about it all the time, and his mother said it began to look like a shackle. But he said it was a constant reminder not to fall into temptation, and through different girlfriends the tape remained on his ankle.

Finally, he met The One. On their wedding day he gave her two gifts: a pair of diamond earrings, and a pair of scissors. She cut through the layers and layers of duct tape and promises, and finally he gave her his third gift: his first kiss.

While I believe this is a little extreme and I would never expect someone to do this, I think it's a beautiful story. A story of kept promises no matter what other people said. A story of a love so strong that before he even met this girl he wanted to give her everything he had. It's beautiful, and if you can get past the "duct tape anklet?" you might smile too.

So yes, I wear a promise ring, and while I never expect my future husband to actually have anything that symbolizes all of this, I hope he realizes the importance of it.

I hope he knows how strong duct tape is.

Valentine's Day ♥

 aka "Single Awareness Day". ;) I'm not one of those people who hates this holiday because I'm single, I don't mope around and act like my world is terrible, I usually just act sarcastic about it and joke with my single friends. That said, I don't exactly love Valentine' Day yet, either. I can celebrate it with my family/friends, and apply the love to them, but to be honest, Valentine's Day is advertised as a holiday for couples, and I'm ok with that. My day will come!

Sometimes, it's not the most fun thing to do, wait. I can't say it's not easy, because really, what's to waiting? You just go on with your life and you hope someone shows up (sooner rather than later, if we're honest). It's not FUN, but it's not HARD. 

One of my favorite quotes recently has been "If you're not happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from men."

There are so many girls and boys who search for someone to date. My dad calls it "shopping", and that's pretty much what it is. They go from boyfriend to girlfriend, through breakups, to love, and all over again because their definition of love is warped. Love is one of the greatest gifts God gave us. I personally don't think a 14 year old girl really knows if she's "in love" with a 15 year old boy. Love, true love, is a mature emotion that grows and deepens with time. That's why I'm ok with waiting. When the time comes for me to be in love, I want it to be real, and I don't want anyone to have to question or wonder at the depth of that love.

I once had a Sunday School teacher use the illustration of a paper heart. He described dating around like this: When you meet and "fall in love" with someone, you're giving them a piece of your heart. He tore off a little piece of the paper and threw it away. What if that relationship doesn't work out? Your heart is no longer whole. You meet someone else, the same thing all over again. Another little piece of your heart, thrown away. The more times this happens, the more of your heart that's gone. Then one day, finally, you meet The One. You fall in love - real love - and you get engaged. On your wedding day, you officially give him/her your heart. But it isn't whole. There's only a small part of what once was. 

Someday, I will give my whole heart to someone. There will be no missing pieces, just one strong, beating heart, ready to be placed in the hands of a man I love and trust.

For the girls that read my blog, I have a list of books that have helped/encouraged me. I might not agree with every single little thing in every single one in them, but for the most part, they're very good books. I would love it if you would get one/all of them, read them, and let me know what you think. I LOVE talking about books!

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right  by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones

For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice
This book isn't as much about being single as it is practical advice for unmarried girls. Pretty much a lot of stuff that my dad has been telling me for years, this book just put it all in perspective. It's full of surveys and questions they asked a bunch of guys, and you'd be surprised at how helpful it is!

Preparing to be a Helpmeet by Debi Pearl
You may have heard of her book "Created to be a Helpmeet". This book is for younger, newlywed or unmarried girls.

Praying for your Future Husband: Preparing You Heart for His by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer
I'm going to go ahead and say that this one is my favorite, and yes, it probably has something to do with the fact that Robin Jones Gunn is one of my all-time favorite authors. This is an amazing book that teaches us how to pray for our future husbands, what to pray, and why we should be praying it.

I hope this blog entry wasn't too weird! I'm beginning to think I fail at blogging (it's been 10 days since my last post!) but I had a few minutes during work this morning and this was the result. This is me, and I'm always nervous putting stuff like this out there, but this time I really wanted to. I hope everyone - single or not - has a FANTASTIC Valentine's Day! I'll be spending my evening with three little boys, how are you celebrating?