year of change

If anyone actually still comes to check this page I will be surprised. Somewhere along the way this blog slipped out of my mind and I simply haven't sat down and taken the time to write.

We've loved using those gift cards from the wedding for date nights! This was at the Chophouse.

I thought once we got past the wedding and settled into our new routine I would come up with a weekly or monthly schedule and post frequently, but then summer hit and time got short, and, well, those are my excuses!

Easter Sunday

June 10 Brandon and I went back to the Mexican restaurant where we had our first date. It was funny to me to think we were marking one year of dating when we'd already been married nearly four months! Time has moved so quickly and so much has happened in such a little while.

 

McDonald's DOES count as a picnic sometimes ;) Especially when you want to try all their new sauces!

Summer is, as always, my favorite time of year. Despite the weird little bugs we keep finding in our house and the gnats slowly growing in number and the mosquito bites and crops of poison ivy it remains the best season of all in my mind! Saturday picnics at the park, a date night here and there, Icees, fishing, simply sitting on the porch swing, fresh fruit, homemade ice cream...I'm trying to intentionally enjoy summer more this year because I blinked once on our honeymoon and here we are in nearly July!

playing Jenga - our guestbook!

To update you on our lives...

We spent a week in Northern Ireland for our honeymoon and it was everything I could've ever hoped for! We stayed in a cottage near the sea, and although it was 78° in Tennessee on our wedding day it snowed every day we were in Ireland. We slept in, ate in cozy "pubs" (had our fair share of fish-n-chips!), and drove along the coastline. We're both quiet people and very much enjoyed listening to their friendly, lilting accents as many of them engaged us in conversation and wanted to know about where we were from and why we were there! It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, and it will forever hold a special place in my heart. One of our friends from church is from Northern Ireland and we stayed in the town his parents live in. They had us over for dinner our first night there and it was a comfort to know there were friends close by should we need anything.

snow outside of the restaurant we ate lunch at after miles of walking, white flowers at the castle we visited, sheep everywhere!, view of the Irish sea on our way "home"

driving on the wrong side, $5 lunch (so. much. food.), the cottage we rented, another snowy drive, freezing at the Harbour

Giant's Causeway, snow at a roadside stop, dinner at the "Mermaid" restaurant (coastal town)

to get closer to the airport in Dublin, we found this castle just 15 minutes away to spend our last night in!

Since then work has picked up for him and I've gotten busier helping with summer camps and other ministries our church has during the summer months. Saturdays off are precious and Sunday afternoon naps are almost tradition now. Cooking for two has been an adventure but I'm starting to get the hang of it! (Mostly thanks to the freezer that was a wedding gift from my brother!)

It's so nice to live 15 minutes from his parents, 10 from mine, and about 2 from the church! He works with his brother every day and I get to see Amie a lot since she teaches piano at the church some. Prayers I was afraid to pray have been answered in such numerous ways and some afternoons when I'm home alone I can be found tearing up because I remember the times I wept and prayed for the things God has given me today. Time, prayer, waiting...it's all worth it, just like everyone always tells you!

I hope you all have a beautiful summer and hopefully you'll be "hearing" from me again soon!

a matter of time

I have so many things I want to write about, but can never seem to land on a topic long enough to come up with anything. I think it's because I've learned over the past year that a lot of the things that seem to constantly be on my mind also cast a shadow over my spirit and are simply things out of my control that are better pushed to the side of my thoughts. Things that only time will resolve and reveal, and I just need to wait.

I feel like I write too much about the topic of waiting, but that's the season of life I'm in right now. A lot of areas in my life cause me to practice this. Waiting for approval to finish a job, waiting on information to complete a list, waiting for healing, waiting on the Lord...waiting.

Right now there are a couple of things I want to grasp in my hands and fix, to make better, change, or finish. But in these situations, that's completely and entirely impossible. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it's not that my hands are tied behind my back and I'm completely helpless - because that's exactly how it feels - but it's a matter of faith, of total surrender to the Lord's will and timing. It's trusting Him to finish the job as He sees fit, and in the timing He's ordained.

Faith still doesn't always come natural to me. I'm someone who naturally wants to get things done and take action. It's one of the few things I inherited from my mom - Ladies' Meeting at 6:30? Our dishes are prepared and on a warming tray at 3:00. She calls herself a Martha, and I feel the same way so often. When you're naturally bent in that direction, sitting with empty hands and a troubled heart makes you feel so helpless.

Waiting. I asked my dad about it a few months ago, talked to him about how I knew it was simple enough, but didn't understand why God required so very much of it for some people, why even in it's simplicity it can be so hard. He reminded me that waiting can be another word for serving - like when you're at a restaurant, the job of your waiter is to serve you. Perhaps that's what God wants more of from me, from others - service. Wholeheartedly for Him. It's a lesson in patience, in service, in surrender.

Just a matter of time. I can flip back in the pages of my life and see things that have come to fruition quietly. Things that used to be such a big deal to me, but somewhere over the years they became smaller in my mind until they were resolved, and I didn't even notice. One day I'll look back on today, on the burdens that are so heavy for me, and realize God had a perfect plan. Yes, these burdens truly are bigger, more life-changing, and yet, however badly I resist, they are inevitable. I'll look back and see change and heartache, but I'll also see grace. 

If God can show me grace through the lonely days, through the difficult changes, surely I can be gracious in my service towards Him. It's just a matter of time until He reveals the reasons, shows us the full picture.

A Mendicant of God

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne

And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.

I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart

I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.

This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."

He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."

I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,

As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.

I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,

He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

-Martha Snell Nicholson

patience

My dad was preaching at a church a couple of hours from home recently, and since it wasn't far away we all loaded up and went. Usually him preaching at a different church means we may hear a sermon we've heard before, but that's ok, even the same outline is completely different from church to church.

This particular time he gave a bit of his testimony and the history of Cornerstone. Now, this doesn't change, but I could listen to it over and over again. When he first came to the town we live in now, he was still in the convention. After his trial sermon, and older lady shook his hand and told him she'd been praying for him for twenty years. Since he'd only just met her, this was a bit confusing. After looking at her a bit confused, she said, "You don't understand, I've been praying for a Bible believing pastor for twenty years." That would have been around the time my dad was eight years old - the age he was when his abusive, alcoholic father passed away. This lady may have been praying for a pastor, but that pastor turned out to be my dad - and those twenty years in his life had involved several major car accidents, the way too early death of his mother, suicidal thoughts, salvation, the call to preach, marriage, college, seminary...you see where I'm going.

Due to a stand on the KJV and a few other issues, a few years later, my dad was asked to resign that church. He handed in his resignation, and when he and my mom got to the parsonage there was a group of people waiting for him. They wanted to start a church. An independent, King James only, Baptist church. Mrs. Hailey, our valiant prayer warrior, was part of that group. They first met in a tent, then a community church building that was falling apart, and then in '94 they moved into the newly built building we're still in debt free.

Today, Cornerstone has been going strong for 25.5 years. We've expanded our sanctuary 3 times, built a gym, a Missions House, a residents house, and a Sunday School building. We're at full capacity - and to be honest, we're probably beyond that but the only way to get more room will be an entirely new building for a bigger sanctuary. I don't say any of this boastfully because God has a different time frame for every person and every church, but I say it to illustrate the great power there is in fervent and heartfelt prayer.

Now, I've heard that story my entire life. I'm 24 and our church was established one year before I was born. I don't remember Mrs. Hailey but I've seen her prayer journal and my mom wears her ring. For some reason, sitting in that church that night, the twenty years she'd spent praying stood out to me. Twenty years is a long time. I wonder if God had given her any signs that her prayer would eventually be answered or if her faith was strong enough that she didn't need one. Growing up hearing about her, I feel confident it was the latter.

She isn't around today, she didn't get to see that our biggest "problem" is our growth - and how can that be considered a problem? People have moved from states away to attend Cornerstone...and all of the credit goes to God, but what if she had given up? There have been things I've prayed about for going on five years, and I feel like my answer must be a "no" because I've seen no progress, but what about Mrs. Hailey? The fruit of her prayers continues to produce more fruit. I think, if she could see Cornerstone Baptist Church today, she would be utterly delighted.

She prayed, and God had a plan. She had patience, and God provided in due time. 

This is a time a great turmoil and great opportunity in America. It's a time for action, but there's never a moment we can give up praying. When I think it's a lost cause, I remember Mrs. Hailey. Twenty years of prayers for the same thing. Can I be as faithful?

God may not answer our prayers in our time frame, and I've told Him a time or two how much that frustrates me, but His plan is much more complex than we can see. Our prayers may be helping someone we've never met. We may not get to witness the fruit of our prayers in our lifetime, but I sure am grateful for Mrs. Hailey. Without her prayers my life would probably be entirely different. I feel like there's a generation of people in our church my age and younger who are the products of her and seventy-something other people who stepped out on faith and prayer into the power of God. How can I not hope to do the same for a future generation?

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."

EPHESIANS 3:20-21

currently

It's 10:20pm and this is the first opportunity I've had today to get on my laptop. This post is as creative as I can get but a new years resolution is a new years resolution, and (at least until February) I'm determined to post every Thursday!

reading

Isaiah. Anyone else have trouble getting Genesis and January to align? I do the thing where I divide how many pages are in my Bible with 365, but it just never finishes exactly right. Sometimes I read extra, occasionally I don't get it all in, and sometimes I like to re-read passages. Whatever happened this time, I'm making my way through this book trying to pay extra attention this time and glean a little more. Please tell me I'm not the only one that goes slowly through the major prophets!

loving

Essential oils. Amie and I got Doterra diffusers for Christmas and my favorite one to diffuse right now is Thieves...or fighting five. It's the immune booster one, and no one's sick right now but I just love the scent! I have several blends but I want to get a few more individuals...does anyone have a favorite they'd like to recommend? I really want to try grapefruit soon. 

anticipating

Sunshine. It's been warm and rainy here which isn't the loveliest weather for January. I'd love some super low temps and snow, but a week of gray skies and foggy drives and wet everything, and right now all I can think about is warm sunshine.

grateful for

God's grace. An update on Collin - he came home the day after his crash to wait for the swelling in his face to go down - he even went to class this week and was at church Wednesday night! He had facial reconstructive surgery today and will probably get to go home late tomorrow afternoon. I can't think about it too much because I start crying every time. He really is a walking, talking miracle. He showed up in my office Wednesday night and as I hugged him I thanked God for the millionth time that he's still here. What a wake up call and reminder that Christ protects His children.

celebrating

Lena Rae. She turns three on Saturday - what?! For my birthday she gave me a night with just the two of us - coloring books, snacks, a movie and gift card to the candy store, and matching pj's. Her personality is so similar to mine at her age, and she and my nephews are growing up way too fast. I thought it was funny when my dad used to tell me he was going to put a brick on my head to make me stop growing...now I get it!

Have a wonderful weekend, everyone! I'll be back next week.

change

It's fall, y'all! Actually, it's been fall for nearly a week, but this is my first chance to sit and write about it.

Actually, no, that's not true. I've had many chances, but I made gingersnaps with pumpkin dip one day, and then another day it was chocolate chip cookies for a church picnic. On my day off I went shopping for an upcoming trip, got a whole lot of hair chopped off, and celebrated with a PSL! (pumpkin spice latte...except in frappucino form because it's like sipping on pumpkin pie.) 

Usually I'm reluctant to welcome Fall because I am not a cold weather girl and Fall is the doorway to Winter. However, I've been craving change for some time now and the crisp mornings and cozy evenings are exactly what my soul's been needing. I'm even looking forward to a cold Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. A new year with new motivation and new chances. Ah, yes, I'm ready for change. Funny how a difficult season can make something you don't normally appreciate so very attractive. I feel like I'm running towards Fall with my arms wide open. Let me forget Summer for a moment and relish in the smells and sensations that are Autumn.

Change is such a funny thing. Some changes we wholeheartedly embrace, welcoming them with every fiber of our being. Some however, even when they are good and the best choice, rip our hearts out in the process. I was reminded of this the other day when one of my older neighbors asked us to help her move. She has made this choice for herself, and in many ways she's excited about it. She will be so relived once she's taken the final step, but regardless of all of that, her eyes pooled up as the rest of her face smiled. Change is difficult no matter how old you are.

72 hours later...

I quit writing 3 days ago because something came up and I closed my folder and it slipped quietly out of my mind. Today, however, I was suddenly bombarded all at once with people emailing, texting, and even telling me in person that it was time for another post. I don't feel like it today. The words I want to write are spilling down my cheeks because they won't form. They are an emotion I cannot describe, cannot pinpoint, do not understand. An emotion I had forbidden, had restrained, but is sometimes stronger than I am.

This changes the entire tone of this post. It started out as a crisp fall morning with a refreshing scent and delicious feel. Now the shadows have lengthened, it's gotten a little musty, and has a slightly bitter aftertaste. I really didn't want to change direction. Change...

I titled this post before I wrote the first word. Before inspiration struck, I had change on my mind. And this is how change works. One morning we've finally let go of those worries and doubts and cares. A few days later we find we've picked them back up and then some.

"Change" has many shapes and forms, can be big or small, can rearrange our lives or simply our minds. We never welcome it exactly the same. Sometimes we're ready, but often we're not.

Ah, friends, I'm laying it back down. I've stopped asking God for help with some things, I've started just giving them to Him. I like to grab them back a lot, I'm selfish and I'm always trying to fix everything, even the things I can't. He is so, so real. You know this, I know this, but we don't always live like it. Sometimes I can't get my prayers past my lips, sometimes He's right beside me, understanding before I've even formed my thought. We should only crave the change He requires. Surrender is so very hard because I don't know where it will lead, but I'm ready to hand it all over.

Have you reached this point with me? You probably reached it long before me. It's taking me a long time, and I have to go one day at a time, slowly changing my mindset, my actions, my heart. It's a painful process, but when I can look back and see the hard choices I've made and His blessings upon them, I'm willing to make more change.

It is time to see how beautiful dead things can be. I refuse to resurrect the old man or to "dig up in doubt what I planted in faith."

full of weakness

My next door neighbor passed away yesterday. He was only 40 years old, he had a massive heart attack, and it was very, very unexpected.

Today as I sat on our porch reading I watched them dig his grave in the cemetery next to our house.

How quickly everything can change.

I've lived here all of my life, and his family has been the farmers next door for just as long. He helped us with our cows when we needed it, he cut our other neighbors' hay every year. Though I didn't know him well, he always seemed jovial, friendly, and ready to lend a hand.

As my brother and the rest of the community has mentioned, it's so hard to believe and reconcile that he's gone now. Just like that. He'll no longer be driving his tractor past our homes and waving to us.

I kept waking up last night with this burden and so many others pressing down on me. Sometimes we beg God. Sometimes it's the only way we know how to pray. I know God didn't make this tragedy happen, He simply allowed it. As in my post a month or so ago, we cannot answer the "why's", we can only hope that He will help us make sense of it all someday.

"I know the Lord will bring all of this to a conclusion that pleases Him, and I trust Him."

Trust is simple. Waiting is simple. Ah, but they're not easy. Tonight I put my book aside and simply swang gently while I watched the sun set. In the beauty and quiet of the evening I couldn't stop the emotions. Oh Lord, the world is so heavy. I have so many questions, so many doubts, and there is so much hurt in the world. I have an entire list of people dying or who have already passed away. For every miracle you give us it seems like there are two heart breaks. Oh Lord, please help us.

Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth. | Hosea 6:3

Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate? He can show us His will like a strike of lightening, or He can come to us as rain. The God whom I begged to descend like a cloud of comfort on my neighbor's family is the same God who whispers peace to my troubled and anxious spirit. The God who protects my dad in his travels is the same one who directs the paths of missionaries overseas. No matter how much, often, or far away He's needed, He's never stretched thin. A simple principle, I know, but a reminder than I need more than I want to admit.

We are so full of weakness, I more than ever. But somehow, through my weakness, I've found a strength I didn't even know I possessed. It's found in His joy. You see, I have none on my own, even in the simplest pleasures of my life, it's all from Him. The more I work on our relationship, the more I choose Him over the other loves in my life, the more I find that just when I need it, the strength for another moment is there.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Maybe as a plea for prayer, maybe to let anyone who needed to read it know that if you struggle with anxiety, if you're enduring a hard time, you aren't alone. All of us have our own battles, unique to us but not to God. I pray that each of you go to Him for your strength, and that you find it through His joy.

strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow

There is peace in the center of God's will.

There is no fear in the middle of God's protection.

There is heartache in this temperal world. What happened in Paris could have happened here. We have no promise that our city, our town, our community, is exempt from terrorist attacks.

It is evil. It is wrong. It is terrifying.

It is the world we live in. It's depressing and it's dark.

There will one day be peace and total security.

Until then, remember that life is a vapor. A regular day spent with family could very well end in a horrible way. Remember it could have been any of us, and never forget to pray.

Today we need strength to face what possibly lies ahead, strength to take in what is happening in our world.

Tomorrow we have hope for a bright eternity where none of this will even be a memory.

In the middle of my comfortable, happy life, I couldn't not acknowledge all the hurting people right now. Please pray with me for them. Even more than they need comfort for their loss, they need Jesus for their future.

leaving it

 "Lord...I don't even know how to pray for this. I don't know what to ask, I don't know what to offer. Lord...Lord..."

Pauses. Silence. Broken prayers.

Have you ever been here? You go to pray, you have a designated time, spot, and miraculously it works out that you are alone in the quiet with the Lord. The time you've been waiting for. You get on your knees, still your heart, and...

"Lord..."

Quiet. For the next several moments you listen to your breathing, your heartbeat.

And so many times, words escape you. You have prayed the same prayers over and over until you feel like a broken record. The repetition of your pleas have become monotonous, and honestly, you're just tired of praying for them.

"I know you hear me, Lord. I know you're here."

More silence as you struggle to express the things in your heart that don't want to be described with words.

"Let me make a difference. Don't let this be in vain. Show me what to do. Let my voice be heard."

As I pray for America, I find that I don't know what to say.

"Show mercy, continue to give us grace. Turn the hearts of the leaders to you. Protect my country. Show mercy..."

Over. And over. And over again.

So lately, I've been silent. I've stopped letting words just spill out and I've given them some thought.

"Right now, the voices of the wicked are so loud. They fill the news and make me feel small, weak, and terrified. Let Christians regain their voice. Give us the courage to stand and fight for what's right. The wicked have drowned us out for far to long. Fill us with boldness for you. Fill us with courage, strengthen our voices and our stand. Let us be heard."

I may only pray for 15 minutes. But I will sit in silence for many more than that. I want Him to know that when I stand and go my way, I have left it all in His hands. I gather all the worries and fears and doubts and insecurities in a nice little package and I leave it there before Him.

Sometimes I go and pick a few things back up, but every day, I will gather it again, lay it down, and turn my back.

I will continuously beg for mercy. I will not stop asking for another chance. I will beseech on behalf of my nation.

And then I will leave it with Him.

A Call to Prayer

"And said, I beseech thee, O Lord God of heaven, the great and terrible God, that keepeth covenant and mercy for them that love him and observe his commandments: Let thine ear now be attentive, and thine eyes open, that thou mayest hear the prayer of thy servant, which I pray before thee now, day and night, for the children of Israel thy servants, and confess the sins of the children of Israel, which we have sinned against thee: both I and my father's house have sinned."  Nehemiah 1:5-6

A Call to Prayer

A church I'm very familiar with has put out a call for prayer for our nation. A petition for 50,000 American Christians to spend the next five days fasting and praying for the United States of America. At my church last night we were encouraged to commit to at least one day of fasting, and we'll be meeting at church every day to pray. Anonymously, with no one looking around, we had commitments for every day of the fast, and at the end, a few commitments for multiple days.

I believe fasting is very personal, I believe it's between a person and the Lord, and I believe it works. It worked for Nineveh, it can work for America.

Here is the link and information for the petition. Will you join us in the war room of prayer for America?

A Call to Prayer

april 2015 recap

It's hard to believe we're beginning the month of May. April zipped right on by in a flurry of raindrops. We had some hard, sad days at the beginning of the month. As a family in our church went through an incredibly difficult time, my memories of the beginning of the month are of tears and so much prayer as our church banded together at heaven's door for them. God is faithful, and through it all He is good and sovereign. When we don't understand His plan, and question why He allows certain things to happen, He comes to us in whispers. Gently comforting us when we face the cruel realities of life on this earth. All in all, April was a good month.

This isn't a great picture because it was taken with a phone but it's the only one I have right now. This is all of the girl cousins on my mom's side of the family. We had a baby shower for my cousin (the brunette in the middle) and her baby boy due on May 4. I love spending time with family, and it was a happy day. We can't wait to meet our new little cousin!

Easter Sunday was cloudy but pleasantly warm. As per tradition, out came the dressy spring clothes and lots of ham and sweet potatoes were consumed. We don't celebrate Easter like most people - no easter bunny! - and while we know that it's not the actual date of Christ's resurrection, it's nice to set an entire day aside to appreciate and celebrate that blessing.

Sisters! We all ended up matching - can you tell which pair of sisters belongs to each other? ;)

We celebrated the sunshine with trips to the park, bike rides, and picnics. It's still just spring here, but it's slowly getting warmer and I love it! The boys and I have lots of big plans for this summer - the  new niece or nephew is due to be here early July, so we'll be making our own summer bucket list!

I'm not sure what's gotten into me, but I cooked up a storm in April! The majority of my Saturdays have been spent in the kitchen and I'm loving it! I'm not sure if recipe posts are a thing y'all enjoy on here or not, but if you see something in the above picture that you'd like the recipe for let me know and I'll try to get around to sharing it! (They were all quite good, if I do say so myself!)

FROM THE BLOG

ending - my one and only April Fool's Day joke. Turns out it really did fool some people! 

summer bucket list - an early start on some practical plans for Summer 2015

grilled salmon & avocado salsa | recipe - a heart healthy meal with recipes and pictures included

And that was April in a nutshell. I'm playing around with the layout for my recap posts, still not sure what I like best but I'll find an easy-to-read format soon! I hope your April was beautiful, and that God was there in every day.

What were some of your favorite moments from April?

Obligation

So it's 9/11 again. And, for the third, fourth, fifth? year in a row, I am writing about it.

Part of me really just doesn't want to. I mean, what more is there to say? It's been thirteen years since the tragedy, and yet now, year after year, we live in it's shadow on this day.

I don't want to write about it because social media will be blowing up today with people pulling at our heart strings and emotions, posting pictures they got off Google Images of the towers burning, the firefighters and policemen and bystanders covered in ashes, dust, and blood.

I don't want to write about it because I don't want to be one of the sheep, trying to make you cry or nod or feel some surface emotion because it has been thirteen years. For those of us who were very young at the time or far enough away to not have a firsthand memory of the devastation, confusion, pain, and absolute terror, the memory has dimmed a bit. The fear has faded a shade, and our loved ones are still close to us.

But as an American, I have an obligation to honor and remember this day. Forget social media, forget the surface emotions, and think instead about our nation and what she's been through. And pray like we've never prayed before. Because yes, we've been through a lot, and we've been survivors, fighters, victors. But we might not always be.

The state of my country is frightening. I have an obligation to remember 9/11 because I don't know what's coming next. Another bombing? Another school shooting? What next? Are we still one nation under God? I hope and pray that God will continue to show grace and mercy to this country that is rapidly forgetting all about the One who is responsible for our beautiful, strong history.

We all have this obligation, this duty to our nation. To remember our losses, and to pray for our victory.

Don't be a sheep. Make it mean something more.

Not My Will

Written on Valentine's Day, but for some reason never posted. Oops!

Not my will, but yours be done, God.

Oh, the terrible fear that sometimes enters my heart when I release those words.

Did you know, it is not my will to be single this Valentine's Day? Did you know I almost broke down in WalMart today when I walked past the roses and balloons? I'm sure you could have guessed. It's not hard to imagine on this day, of all days.

This is not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

There are so many, many people - girls and guys - in the same place I am. Waiting and wondering if their dreams will ever become a reality, or if they're meant to simply be dreams, blowing away on the winds on time.

When will God's will miraculously morph into my will? When will I stop being selfish and give myself entirely to Him once and for all instead of having to do it multiple times throughout the day? When will I be ok with the fact that for 3 years running my life has looked exactly the same?

This is not my will! Yours be done, God.

What if His will is for me to be 45 years old, living in my parents' home, babysitting my nieces and nephews, and being the secretary at church?

That would not be my will. But if it's yours, Jesus, then let it be done. 

...and really, in the midst of His sovereign grace and goodness, would be be so bad?

I'll be honest with you, I don't want to be single anymore. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'm ok with it, as long as I can do some interesting things during this season of my life. Things like go on Missions Trips, travel to fun places... I'm not too picky.

It's the timeless fight against the old man.

I want change!

Be still.

I'm tired of everything being the same!

Be still.

Not my will? Right. Yours, Lord. Your will be done.

Gently, He shows me His patience with me. In those quiet moments when I get to be alone, just reading or thinking or writing. Those moments that I won't always have once I'm not single, moments to myself that are precious gifts to remind me that there is great contentment in the solitary.  And I realize I love these moments, and one day it will be hard for me to give them up...yes, it's been this way for going on three years, but I have come to love parts of this single life so much. Gentle reminders.

The hard moments are when I go to a wedding or a baby shower and then I leave and I come home and I sit alone in my room feeling jealous. In those moments, my life - and even my attitude -  is not my will.

And that's when He lets me daydream. Planning my own home in my mind. Naming children I dream up in the nurture-bent heart that He's given me.

I am not alone in this battle. Whatever plans you have for yourself - whether God-honoring or not - when they aren't coming to pass, it's hard to let them go. We feel like we have to negotiate with God, "Lord, I would honor you in my marriage, you know I would!" "God, I would raise my children to praise and love you, haven't I proven that to you?" Whatever you're waiting on, there must be a purpose behind the trial, a reason behind the tears. It's hard to remind ourselves of this and it gets old and tiresome, but it's not our will that matters. "Lord, it's your will that matters the most."

I don't know why it's so hard to wait. I don't know why God does the things He does or chooses the timing He chooses.

Some people say when you get to the point where you love God enough, He'll allow whatever you've been so desperately praying for to happen. But we can never love God enough. We can only strive to please Him and work to love Him more each day.

That's my biggest goal for 2014, and I thought it appropriate to share on Valentine's Day.

Release my will, and accept His with open arms. His is so much safer, and all of us can rest and accept whatever it is as long as we have His comforting security.

So as I sit here, alone, 21, single....on Valentine's Day. Again.

It's not my will. Jesus, it's yours.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

As long as I am happy serving Him, He will change my desires to match His, and I will be happier in His will that I could ever be in my own...and this is when His will morphs into mine!

rainy, busy, cold | march recap

March found us begrudgingly pulling on our boots once again while the temperatures dropped, it rained, and even snowed. It was such a whirlwind month, so I'll just recap a few of the highlights...

March 1 was Christine's birthday! We celebrated and had pie and presents but took no pictures. Here's one of my favorites from our trip to Arizona last September though:

March 6 was Jackson's 4th birthday. This little boy has saved everything for turning four. "When I'm four I can ride that bike." "I can do that when I'm four." This birthday was a momentous occasion! :)We did some shopping that day, and he gave Lena Rae her bottle while I pushed the buggy. It took a little finagling to fit it all, but we made it work! He was so excited to be able to help in this way. :)
(Update: Yesterday, March 31, Jackson mastered riding his bike with no help!)

March 8 the children in our church participated in the Masters Club Regional Competition and came home with many ribbons and awards. They were so excited and had been practicing for months. We're all a little proud of them! :)

March 9 - 12 was our annual Spring Meeting. Bro. Roger Hoots came up to preach and we had a wonderful meeting. His sermons were all about trusting in the Lord, and I believe it was exactly what we all needed. He stayed another 2 days to teach at a Pastor's School Cornerstone hosts. He and my dad taught several different classes for two days, and several pastors from surrounding areas and states came in for it. It's always a blessing to see so many pastors in one place!

March 16 - 20 my parents were out of town so Faith and Grace spent the night with us Sunday after church. We were going to have an Anne of Green Gables marathon but only barely made it through the first one! Maybe we'll finish it another time...

This is the only picture we took, and of course we were being silly. ;)

March 16, St. Patrick's Day. We don't celebrate it, but the boys thought it was so much fun to wear green and pinch anyone who wasn't ("but only once!"). The called it Green Day. :)

March 25 we had our first Girls Night with Lena Rae! We did a little shopping and went out to eat and got Starbucks on the way home. We had a lot of fun, and the older she gets, the more fun it will be!

March 29 Stephen and Tara flew in for a few days to look at some houses, and we met them for supper at Cracker Barrel. They're down to double digits until they move back and we cannot wait!!

Lena Rae meeting her Uncle Steedee for the first time :)

...and today is April Fools. I've only ever successfully pulled off jokes on this day twice, and I think I'm taking this year off. Let me know if you pranked or got pranked in the comments, I'm not opposed to pulling off a good joke every now and then! ;)

Before I end this blog, I want to make a complete about-face and get serious for just a second. This morning on my way to work I was listening to one of our church's special music CD's. The song One Day All The Soldiers Will Go Home started playing and I couldn't help but think of all our missionaries scattered around the world. They're away from their closest friends and family and I would love to have just an ounce of their faith. So many of them suffer in these hard or third world countries, and we might remember to pray for them once a day. Right now, please just take a very serious few minutes to pray fervently for them. For strength, for increased faith, for laborers to help them, for the nearly tangible presence of God in their day-to-day lives, for safety, for health....pray for them all the things you would wish they would pray for you were the roles reversed. Please pray especially for the Cormier family as they face a very difficult time in their lives right now: Joy Unspeakable

Have a lovely April, dear readers!

(If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?)

Summer Dreaming

The last few days here have spoiled me. Saturday the temps got into the upper 60's and I spent my time reading in the sunshine, cleaning my room with the windows open, and dreaming of summer.

Today it's back to the low 40's and I'm depressed (not really, but the bubble has been burst).

"Sunny day, chasing the clouds away..." Back in my day, Sesame Street was a good show for kids to watch. That's not the case now, but I still like that old theme song!

So how DO you chase the clouds away when it's cold and you pull your boots and thick socks on and your office is freezing and the space heater by your desk doesn't work very well? Brrr....I need a blanket.

To get my mind off of my cold fingers, I'm going to do my Seven Smiles on Saturday on Monday because everyone likes Saturday better than Monday and also it was sunny and warm and I want it to be like that again.

♥ Seven Smiles on Saturday on Monday:

1. Sunshine!

Stating the obvious, but it was glorious. Not that we haven't had any sunny days this winter, but it was warm and not too breezy, and it smelled good.

2. The smell of vanilla.

This is random, but my mom bought some Dr. Pepper the other day, and in celebration of the beauty of Saturday I had one. (Saturdays are cheat days anyway, ok? ;)) I pulled a page from my childhood and added a splash of vanilla to it, and it is an unspoken law that you cannot take the lid off of the vanilla without smelling it once or twice. As many lotion, soap, and candle companies have tried to get the vanilla essence in their products, they just haven't quite got it yet. That stuff smells heavenly!

3. Lena Rae.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing, like a newborn baby. Jacob, Christine, and their crew came over for a little while Saturday afternoon and I got to hold Lena while they were here. Definitely a big smile on Saturday!

4. Breakfast "mountains".

A biscuit with crumbled up sausage, scrambled eggs, and gravy piled on top. "Give me this mountain, and I will eat all of it."

5. Reading.

I guess we should have seen that one coming from me! I recently finished The Mark of the Lion trilogy by Francine Rivers (a birthday gift from my mom). A fictional telling of the persecution of the Christians and Jews after the destruction of Jerusalem. (The last book in the series is set about 40 years after Jesus' resurrection.) The books are set in Jerusalem, Rome, Ephesus, Germania, and several different places in Israel. While it was fictional, it really affected me and prompted me to do my own research and digging about those places in this time period, so I filled my mind with truth vs. fiction, and she did a really good job! It opened my eyes to how weak my faith is, and convicted me to strengthen it. I've enjoyed several of her books, and Saturday I began another one, but I can't tell if I'm going to like it much yet or not.  

(In case you're wondering, yes, I've also read several non-fictional books and stories about that time period, not just feel-good fiction!)

• Side note: The mentioning of these books is not a personal recommendation from me. They deal with dark times and several controversial topics that I don't feel comfortable discussing on this blog. They are definitely for a mature reader, and because of my own beliefs and convictions, I simply cannot recommend them. I do however recommend learning as much about the persecution of Christians and Jews as your heart can handle. Our walk with the Lord in 2014 is nowhere near that of those who lived in the days after Jesus ascended. Broaden your mind, increase your faith!

6. Laundry from the line.

Laundry days at our house are usually Monday and Thursday, but because it was so pretty Saturday we did several loads so we could hang them on the clothesline to dry. They smell like fresh air and sunshine and I just can't understand why more people don't do this! It's wonderful!

7. Sunday Smile - This thought on prayer:

What if God had a shelf with all the things you've ever prayed for and He wanted to give you, but when the time was right for you to have it, you had stopped trying to please Him, stopped reading your Bible, praying, walking with Him? What kind of things is He waiting to bless you with if only you'd get back into step with Him, increase your faith, and make Him your number one priority?

The Bible shows us that God answers more prayers than He doesn't. He wants to answer our prayers, but the number one hindrance to that is sin. What would happen if we truly believed in the power of prayer?

"Satan tries to limit your praying, because he knows your praying will limit him."

Today is September the Eleventh

September 11.

9/11.

You wrote it on your school paper this morning, or you dated a check. You glanced at the calendar as you planned your day, and you stopped. And you remembered.

Twelve years ago on this day, where were you? I'm guessing that if you were older that six or seven when it happened, you remember. I was eight, and I remember. Vaguely, but it's there.

I was at home with my older brother doing school and my mom was out running errands. She came in and had heard it on the radio on the drive home. We didn't have a television, so we went down the road to the golf course. We sat at a round table in the club house and watched the planes crashing into the Twin Towers. We watched it over and over and over. Disbelief? Yes. Fear? Yes.

A third plane crashed into the Pentagon. More lives were taken. And America wept. America was stunned. America was afraid.

In one day, nearly 3,000 people were killed within the borders of the land of the free and the home of the brave. Our nation began to pray.

Fast forward twelve years. When you open your computer and go to Google, you will see the black ribbon reminding you of what today is. The YouTube homepage may be featuring tribute videos to 9/11. You might even watch the live coverage of the memorial services at Ground Zero and the Pentagon. Bloggers, just like I am, will be writing about it, video bloggers will talk about it, and everyone you follow on Pinterest will pin an inspirational quote or something about never forgetting, all of your social media sites will be reminding you - today is September the eleventh.

And you needed the reminder. Because we don't think about it every day. We don't dwell on that dark day in our history. Not even a year ago was the shooting in Newtown, less than six months ago was the bombing at the Boston Marathon. Terrorists forced their way into our country and killed our people. And we can't even think about the shooter.

But the people who lost loved ones? The families who are missing one of their members? They haven't forgotten for one day. Every morning they wake up and they remember. They can't forget it. Their losses won't let them.

Those were our losses, too. Not as personal, but our losses just the same. 

So today, don't just be another person who shares an inspirational quote, another person who cries a little and says, "Oh, it was so sad!" Another person who scratches the surface of sympathy. Pray for those families who are still hurting. Keep them in your prayers, and not just today. As many days as you remember.

And do something about it. Tell the people in your life what they mean to you. Say it now. Don't wait until you're in an airplane that's about to crash and you have to make a frantic, panicky phone call because you never once said "Mom, I love you." Say it NOW. Don't wait. 

"I love you. I don't ever want to live without you in my world. You changed my life." Say it.
 

"I love you. Thank you for molding me into the person I am today. You are everything to me." Say it.

Take a moment and look around. Love your life. Love the people in your life, and tell them. Did you say it? Because it could all be gone tomorrow.

Today is September 11, and we will never forget.