where i've been

If I have any readers left I'll be amazed. Five months is a long time in between posts and if it were a blog I follow, I might have stopped checking back for a new one by now too!

So where have I been and why have I not posted? Since August I've been doing the same things. Being an aunt, working at the church, and I haven't traveled anywhere. But my mind has been focused on something altogether different.

Life changes quickly, doesn't it? And sometimes you can be waiting on something and suddenly all the pieces fall together and God opens your eyes at exactly the second He wants them to be open. You see new possibilities that were there all along, but the timing just wouldn't have been right yet. God asks us to wait for reasons. Beautiful, happy, and yes, life changing reasons.

I'm not going to go into many details yet because something in me still cherishes keeping  my thoughts close to my heart and maybe it's old fashioned or silly, but I don't always want to put a lot of pictures and every little detail out into the public like the majority of the world does now.

But just in case anyone checks back here once in a blue moon, I wanted to put on here that the biggest life change is yet to come. February 23, 2018, I will be changing my last name!

It all started back on June 10 with our first date. On December 16 I said "yes!" (or more precisely, "yes, thank you!") and it's been a bit of a whirlwind getting everything ready in such a short amount of time. If you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment or send me an email and I'll try to get to it as soon as I can!

Because we're both old souls and don't remember to take pictures I only have one of the two of us that we took right after he proposed. I do have this one though that I really wanted to share because like my dad kept telling me, "it's probably right under your nose!"

I'm the girl in the bright striped dress. My fiance Brandon is standing slightly behind me to the left. 

This picture was taken over 20 years ago.

God is so good, isn't He?  He's always working behind the scenes to line everything up so we'll be ready when the time comes.

I'm hoping to write a longer post soon talking about Christmas, my birthday, my brand new niece Josie, and other things, but those might have to wait until after February ;) 

 

a matter of time

I have so many things I want to write about, but can never seem to land on a topic long enough to come up with anything. I think it's because I've learned over the past year that a lot of the things that seem to constantly be on my mind also cast a shadow over my spirit and are simply things out of my control that are better pushed to the side of my thoughts. Things that only time will resolve and reveal, and I just need to wait.

I feel like I write too much about the topic of waiting, but that's the season of life I'm in right now. A lot of areas in my life cause me to practice this. Waiting for approval to finish a job, waiting on information to complete a list, waiting for healing, waiting on the Lord...waiting.

Right now there are a couple of things I want to grasp in my hands and fix, to make better, change, or finish. But in these situations, that's completely and entirely impossible. I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it's not that my hands are tied behind my back and I'm completely helpless - because that's exactly how it feels - but it's a matter of faith, of total surrender to the Lord's will and timing. It's trusting Him to finish the job as He sees fit, and in the timing He's ordained.

Faith still doesn't always come natural to me. I'm someone who naturally wants to get things done and take action. It's one of the few things I inherited from my mom - Ladies' Meeting at 6:30? Our dishes are prepared and on a warming tray at 3:00. She calls herself a Martha, and I feel the same way so often. When you're naturally bent in that direction, sitting with empty hands and a troubled heart makes you feel so helpless.

Waiting. I asked my dad about it a few months ago, talked to him about how I knew it was simple enough, but didn't understand why God required so very much of it for some people, why even in it's simplicity it can be so hard. He reminded me that waiting can be another word for serving - like when you're at a restaurant, the job of your waiter is to serve you. Perhaps that's what God wants more of from me, from others - service. Wholeheartedly for Him. It's a lesson in patience, in service, in surrender.

Just a matter of time. I can flip back in the pages of my life and see things that have come to fruition quietly. Things that used to be such a big deal to me, but somewhere over the years they became smaller in my mind until they were resolved, and I didn't even notice. One day I'll look back on today, on the burdens that are so heavy for me, and realize God had a perfect plan. Yes, these burdens truly are bigger, more life-changing, and yet, however badly I resist, they are inevitable. I'll look back and see change and heartache, but I'll also see grace. 

If God can show me grace through the lonely days, through the difficult changes, surely I can be gracious in my service towards Him. It's just a matter of time until He reveals the reasons, shows us the full picture.

A Mendicant of God

I stood a mendicant of God before His royal throne

And begged him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.

I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart

I cried, "But Lord this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.

This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me."

He said, "My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee."

I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,

As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.

I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,

He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

-Martha Snell Nicholson

patience

My dad was preaching at a church a couple of hours from home recently, and since it wasn't far away we all loaded up and went. Usually him preaching at a different church means we may hear a sermon we've heard before, but that's ok, even the same outline is completely different from church to church.

This particular time he gave a bit of his testimony and the history of Cornerstone. Now, this doesn't change, but I could listen to it over and over again. When he first came to the town we live in now, he was still in the convention. After his trial sermon, and older lady shook his hand and told him she'd been praying for him for twenty years. Since he'd only just met her, this was a bit confusing. After looking at her a bit confused, she said, "You don't understand, I've been praying for a Bible believing pastor for twenty years." That would have been around the time my dad was eight years old - the age he was when his abusive, alcoholic father passed away. This lady may have been praying for a pastor, but that pastor turned out to be my dad - and those twenty years in his life had involved several major car accidents, the way too early death of his mother, suicidal thoughts, salvation, the call to preach, marriage, college, seminary...you see where I'm going.

Due to a stand on the KJV and a few other issues, a few years later, my dad was asked to resign that church. He handed in his resignation, and when he and my mom got to the parsonage there was a group of people waiting for him. They wanted to start a church. An independent, King James only, Baptist church. Mrs. Hailey, our valiant prayer warrior, was part of that group. They first met in a tent, then a community church building that was falling apart, and then in '94 they moved into the newly built building we're still in debt free.

Today, Cornerstone has been going strong for 25.5 years. We've expanded our sanctuary 3 times, built a gym, a Missions House, a residents house, and a Sunday School building. We're at full capacity - and to be honest, we're probably beyond that but the only way to get more room will be an entirely new building for a bigger sanctuary. I don't say any of this boastfully because God has a different time frame for every person and every church, but I say it to illustrate the great power there is in fervent and heartfelt prayer.

Now, I've heard that story my entire life. I'm 24 and our church was established one year before I was born. I don't remember Mrs. Hailey but I've seen her prayer journal and my mom wears her ring. For some reason, sitting in that church that night, the twenty years she'd spent praying stood out to me. Twenty years is a long time. I wonder if God had given her any signs that her prayer would eventually be answered or if her faith was strong enough that she didn't need one. Growing up hearing about her, I feel confident it was the latter.

She isn't around today, she didn't get to see that our biggest "problem" is our growth - and how can that be considered a problem? People have moved from states away to attend Cornerstone...and all of the credit goes to God, but what if she had given up? There have been things I've prayed about for going on five years, and I feel like my answer must be a "no" because I've seen no progress, but what about Mrs. Hailey? The fruit of her prayers continues to produce more fruit. I think, if she could see Cornerstone Baptist Church today, she would be utterly delighted.

She prayed, and God had a plan. She had patience, and God provided in due time. 

This is a time a great turmoil and great opportunity in America. It's a time for action, but there's never a moment we can give up praying. When I think it's a lost cause, I remember Mrs. Hailey. Twenty years of prayers for the same thing. Can I be as faithful?

God may not answer our prayers in our time frame, and I've told Him a time or two how much that frustrates me, but His plan is much more complex than we can see. Our prayers may be helping someone we've never met. We may not get to witness the fruit of our prayers in our lifetime, but I sure am grateful for Mrs. Hailey. Without her prayers my life would probably be entirely different. I feel like there's a generation of people in our church my age and younger who are the products of her and seventy-something other people who stepped out on faith and prayer into the power of God. How can I not hope to do the same for a future generation?

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."

EPHESIANS 3:20-21

twenty-four

Ten years ago this coming March, I wrote a letter to myself to be read when I turned 24. I'll be honest and say that when my mom found it during my 20th year I went ahead and read it. I stashed it away and forgot about it until I found it last spring and read it again. I put it in a visible place and haven't read it since then. 

Today is the day I had anticipated myself opening and reading it again for the first time all those years ago when I was fourteen - two months shy of finishing the eighth grade!

I thought I'd share it on here today as a reminder that through ups and downs and happinesses and sadnesses, time does pass. Sometimes it feels like it's standing still, but I remember this day so clearly and ten years have come and gone since sitting at my kitchen table with my journal/stationary book and penciling these words. 

Here we go! (I will take breaks for commentary on each paragraph.)

(Disclaimer: 14 year old me was a bit dramatic and still not that great at spelling!)

03-29-07

Dear 24,

Before this letter is thoughroly written or read, one question remains unasked: Have you been raptured? The Lord, if you're reading this on earth, has not yet come back, so let us proceed as normal.

One question remained...even though I'd just started the letter! I was obviously concerned about how much time I had left - and I remember thinking it was quite possible I could be reading it even if I'd been raptured!

How I envy who you are, 24! I long to grow up! Has the past ten years been what you dreamed of it? Is your name still Kelley [current last name] or Mrs. ______ _______? Have you yet been to Ireland, "Oh, land o' your secret dreams?" What has life given you, what have you given life?

Ah, 14, how I envy YOU! No, the past ten years haven't been all I dreamed they would be when I was 14. If you knew then where you would be now, you might be terribly disappointed. But you haven't yet learned the lessons I have, and this side of some of those dreams yet to be realized really isn't so bad as you might imagine. I haven't been to Ireland, though I wish I could remember where it was I read that line! Incorrectly used, Miss Fourteen - everyone has always known you want to go to Ireland. Maybe someday. You'll go to Australia, though, and Germany and Hawaii and so many beautiful places. They were all so much more than you ever imagined. The Lord has given me much, I have not given back nearly enough.

Are you truly happy, Kelley of 24? Is your heart content, full of love? Does your face wear the smile of peace, and harmony with all? Examine yourself, coveted 24. Who are you, what have you become. Do you, 24, brim over with life, compassion, and joy? Do it. Whatever you need to confess, say, or make known, do it. Before it's too late.

Yes, very very happy. You can't imagine how full of love your heart can get - in two years you'll become an aunt! It's the very best thing you'll experience. 

Months ago that peace was a little elusive, today it is very present. I have become someone who knows that God's will won't always make sense but that peace is a wonderful sign that you're in it. I don't know if I "brim over" with it, but I'm very excited about life and the time and window of opportunity I've been given.

And seriously. Stop being so worried about time.

I'll close with one last warning: Youth is happiness. Never forget, or forsake your youth. Friends that are true, come from your youth. And family ALWAYS MUST come first. Remember that, my blessed 24. Always remember.

"One last warning" - what was the first one? ;) 

Getting older is also happiness, 14. You will LOVE your 20's (except for maybe 23, but 24 is shaping up quite nicely)! Your friends will change, but that's ok. When you are 16 everything will kind of flip-flop. When you are 17 you will make friends who edify you. When you are 18 and 19 you will discover that those friends will be with you through everything. They will cry with you when your heart is broken and they will pray for you as you find your different paths. You will become friends with their significant others and you will love their babies to death. Your family will mean more to you with each passing year. Just wait, 14. It doesn't look like you're imagining, but just gets better and better.

Always remember the dream: PUBLISHED!

Ha! Now there's a dream that's changed. You will eventually realize you aren't a... novelist? Novel writer? You will realize that you don't enjoy writing novels as much as you love exploring the intricacies of day-to-day emotions and growth and experiences. You will start this blog where you can write whatever you feel like and "publish" it yourself.

I wish for you courage, determination, and happiness.

I am now of the past,

14

I then listed on a separate page my likes (reading and writing), what I was wearing (my brother's old basketball jersey), what my family was doing (getting ready for my brother's wedding), my best friends, and who my crush was at that time - in very tiny letters at the bottom of the page. Some things are still embarrassing! ;)

It's fun to see what I was hoping for and how things have changed. In a lot of ways I don't even feel like the same person! Maybe I'll write a dear 34...or maybe dear 30 so I can open it sooner!

my heart is definitely full

change

It's fall, y'all! Actually, it's been fall for nearly a week, but this is my first chance to sit and write about it.

Actually, no, that's not true. I've had many chances, but I made gingersnaps with pumpkin dip one day, and then another day it was chocolate chip cookies for a church picnic. On my day off I went shopping for an upcoming trip, got a whole lot of hair chopped off, and celebrated with a PSL! (pumpkin spice latte...except in frappucino form because it's like sipping on pumpkin pie.) 

Usually I'm reluctant to welcome Fall because I am not a cold weather girl and Fall is the doorway to Winter. However, I've been craving change for some time now and the crisp mornings and cozy evenings are exactly what my soul's been needing. I'm even looking forward to a cold Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. A new year with new motivation and new chances. Ah, yes, I'm ready for change. Funny how a difficult season can make something you don't normally appreciate so very attractive. I feel like I'm running towards Fall with my arms wide open. Let me forget Summer for a moment and relish in the smells and sensations that are Autumn.

Change is such a funny thing. Some changes we wholeheartedly embrace, welcoming them with every fiber of our being. Some however, even when they are good and the best choice, rip our hearts out in the process. I was reminded of this the other day when one of my older neighbors asked us to help her move. She has made this choice for herself, and in many ways she's excited about it. She will be so relived once she's taken the final step, but regardless of all of that, her eyes pooled up as the rest of her face smiled. Change is difficult no matter how old you are.

72 hours later...

I quit writing 3 days ago because something came up and I closed my folder and it slipped quietly out of my mind. Today, however, I was suddenly bombarded all at once with people emailing, texting, and even telling me in person that it was time for another post. I don't feel like it today. The words I want to write are spilling down my cheeks because they won't form. They are an emotion I cannot describe, cannot pinpoint, do not understand. An emotion I had forbidden, had restrained, but is sometimes stronger than I am.

This changes the entire tone of this post. It started out as a crisp fall morning with a refreshing scent and delicious feel. Now the shadows have lengthened, it's gotten a little musty, and has a slightly bitter aftertaste. I really didn't want to change direction. Change...

I titled this post before I wrote the first word. Before inspiration struck, I had change on my mind. And this is how change works. One morning we've finally let go of those worries and doubts and cares. A few days later we find we've picked them back up and then some.

"Change" has many shapes and forms, can be big or small, can rearrange our lives or simply our minds. We never welcome it exactly the same. Sometimes we're ready, but often we're not.

Ah, friends, I'm laying it back down. I've stopped asking God for help with some things, I've started just giving them to Him. I like to grab them back a lot, I'm selfish and I'm always trying to fix everything, even the things I can't. He is so, so real. You know this, I know this, but we don't always live like it. Sometimes I can't get my prayers past my lips, sometimes He's right beside me, understanding before I've even formed my thought. We should only crave the change He requires. Surrender is so very hard because I don't know where it will lead, but I'm ready to hand it all over.

Have you reached this point with me? You probably reached it long before me. It's taking me a long time, and I have to go one day at a time, slowly changing my mindset, my actions, my heart. It's a painful process, but when I can look back and see the hard choices I've made and His blessings upon them, I'm willing to make more change.

It is time to see how beautiful dead things can be. I refuse to resurrect the old man or to "dig up in doubt what I planted in faith."

first in my heart

 "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

It's difficult sometimes. When the dreams and plans you've been building for years slowly start crumbling around you, it's difficult to remember that He's still good. As those pieces of the hopes you've had begin tumbling, you scramble after them, chasing, grasping, desperately trying to put them back together. But the harder you try, the more impossible it seems, and the more scattered those precious pieces of hopes become. Slipping away, impossible to retrieve.

As I've tried to write this for a couple of weeks now, I couldn't get past the first paragraph. I thought of giving examples, sharing some of the struggles my friends and even I have faced in this past year. But when I went back to our conversations, our shared tears and heartbreaks, I couldn't overlook the way every conversation concluded.

"I know God has a plan."

"I'm sure the Lord is teaching me something through this."

"I just have to wait on Him, and trust that He knows best."

Waiting is hard when the end isn't in sight. But the longer I wait the more I find a place of peace. In the moments when I want to question Christ, when I just don't understand and can't make sense of the things He allows, it's as if He shoves a reminder in my face.  For example...

Weirdly enough, two of my very favorite parts of the day are my 7 minute drives to and from work. On the way there, I sip my coffee and listen to music. On the way home, I sip my water and listen to music. The past few days, every song (actually just 2 or 3 because I'm a repeat kind of girl) has been about the sacrifice that Calvary required. How very deep the Father's love is for us, to give His only son to pay our ransom. It was my sin that held my Savior to the tree.

And then this morning, the words and the melody of a song wrapped themselves around me like a familiar, comforting blanket. I don't know what was more meaningful - the words, or the familiarity of the song itself. One I've been singing since before I can remember singing. One I've heard since birth when my parents sang it as they put me to bed, one I've sung in the nursery, when I babysat, and to my nephews and niece. A song sung at funerals, at weddings, during nearly every holiday, and during many church services.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound... How sweet the sound. His grace is amazing, vast, and completely forgiving.

...that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see. Even after salvation, He seeks us out, He finds us.

But my own personal favorite hymn?

Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me save that thou art... I think that if we could look beyond the circumstances we find ourselves in and focus on Him, the "things of earth will grow strangely dim" and nothing would matter but Him.

...thou and thou only, first in my heart... Shouldn't this be my goal? For Him to be first in everything? Every dream, every wish, every hope. Him first. Always. "Abhorring all my sin, adoring only Him."

I want to have a family. I want my friends to have a baby. I want health for the sick, comfort for the widow, love for the lonely.

But if not, He is still good.

where God is

As a girl - the very girly, ruffles and lace kind - I have my share of what you might call "dreamy days". I think any female reading this knows what I'm talking about. On these days, your head is in the clouds, you feel a mix of fullness and emptiness, your emotions war between joy and sadness, and you're overall not as productive as you are on other days.

Dreamy days. Usually for me it's after late night reading that bled into the wee hours of the morning. Reading the end of a book, falling immediately asleep and dreaming that I'm the girl I just read about. Waking is such sweet sorrow... (sorry Shakespeare, I had to tweak it to fit what I'm trying to say.)

No, I did not travel to the Holy Land last night and meet Mr. Right. I did not ride a horse along the Jordan River or pray by the Sea of Galilee. I did not spend the night at an inn in Bethlehem...but are those things on my bucket list now? Absolutely. Not that they weren't already on it, I just hadn't considered riding an Arabian horse down the streets of Jerusalem. Now that I know you can, I'll have to add it!

The thing is, I think we need dreamy days. I think God has placed a desire in my heart to be a wife, a mother. Maybe even this desire to travel is from Him, I don't know. But I don't think it's wrong for me to think of those things, dream of those days. I just have to keep in mind that while it's yet to be, He is here with me. I thought it fitting this morning as I struggled with the desire to stay asleep and finish my oh so sweet dream, that my Bible reading was in Exodus 20. We think if this chapter as the Ten Commandments chapter, but near the end, in verse 21, the people are afraid. But Moses? Moses just wanted to be near the Lord.

"And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was."

Moses drew near alone. Maybe that's all it takes. A step away from the others, another, and step by step, he became more alone. Step by step, he came closer to the One who held his heart in the palm of His hand. The One who shelters us in the clift of a rock. He hideth my soul. Lessons learned in solitude are the ones that show us our dependence upon Him.

May my desires fade into the background and the desire to be near Him rise to the surface, filling my life, making me wholly His. He seeks us out, and I want to be there, ready to be found, ready to spend time with and near Him.

The future may look a little dark right now because I can't see what it holds. But Moses drew near the thick darkness because that's where God was. As I read last night, the tears in my eyes weren't because the heroine found her hero and I haven't yet. They came when the characters in my book waded into the waters of the River Jordan. Those fictional beings might have fished in the sea of Galilee, but me? I want to kneel on it's banks and pray. The thoughts of being in the same places my Lord was warms me from the inside out. I would love to be there - alone with Him, able to pray and think and absorb. But I may never get to be where God was, my future may not hold it. But that's where God was...and I know where He is.

So I may be a little dreamy today, my head swimming in the clouds, but I want to hide in Him. I want to draw near to the thick darkness. I want to curl up in it, close to Him. Where God is.

gritty details

"The reality is that often the radical abandonment Christ calls us to is not some glamorous sacrifice, but simple obedience in the gritty details of everyday life." 

  

I don’t know where this quote came from other than it was in an email from a friend several years ago. If they came up with it themselves, bravo, because it’s been my “life quote” for some time now.

As I struggled with what to do on this blog a few months ago, I tried going back to the beginning to see why I started it in the first place. I was traveling to Germany with my friends, and it was a way to document and keep our families informed about our journey. I was also one year out of high school, had recently confirmed in my heart that I was not going to go to college, and I guess I thought that that trip was setting some sort of travel themed precedent for the rest of my single life or something.

I kept writing and sharing because it’s something I truly enjoy, and I thought before I knew it, the next destination would be ready for me to document. But there wasn’t a next destination for quite some time, the gritty details of everyday life really aren’t that exciting, and though I’m learning things every day, the “adventurer” inside me isn’t satisfied.

I would never describe myself as an true adventurer though. I’m not a daredevil nor am I very confident. However, I have a curiosity for other places in the world, and a desire to see as much as I possibly can in this lifetime. Once again, though, “as much as I possibly can” isn’t very much at this point in my life.

One of these days, I will be able to take more missions trips. One of these days I will finally go to Ireland. I will stand on the Cliffs of Moher, I will spend the night in a castle. These are things I really and truly believe I will do one day. Maybe I’ll be 50 and have finally been married and have grown children, or maybe it’ll be a spontaneous hurry-and-pack trip or maybe I’ll finally talk some people into going with me… or maybe it won’t happen, and maybe I need to be more content in the gritty details of everyday life. But I think it’s good to have goals and ambitions and dream a little bigger on those days when the everyday is closing in.

I cannot tell you about the glamorous sacrifices God has called me to, because He hasn’t. I rarely have to sacrifice anything – and if I do, it’s really not even a sacrifice, but a simple “no” to something frivolous.  

But neither can I brag about the gritty details of my everyday life. We humans can find the tiniest things to be proud about, and I’m not here to flaunt anything. I have nothing to flaunt, because all that I have and all that I am is a gift that I didn’t earn.

I am here to encourage and uplift when I can. I want this blog to be a happy place, and I will make it that to the best of my ability. My life right now is new recipes, DIY projects, babysitting, church ministry, and quiet days filled with doing my job and reading my books. It’s a simple, happy life that I’m content with. I will forever be reaching for the next thing, trying to skip ahead to the next chapter, and asking God to give me that mountain, but for now, I will enjoy my gritty details.

So whether you're on a big adventure to a place God has called you to, whether you're traveling the globe because it's your chance, or whether you live each day knowing the next one will be similar, know that simple obedience is the calling. The rest will follow, and one is no better than the other.   Embrace the unique, nitty gritty little things that make the day yours.

I realize this post sounds very, very similar to others I've posted recently. Bear with me, I'm figuring it out! ;)

Not My Will

Written on Valentine's Day, but for some reason never posted. Oops!

Not my will, but yours be done, God.

Oh, the terrible fear that sometimes enters my heart when I release those words.

Did you know, it is not my will to be single this Valentine's Day? Did you know I almost broke down in WalMart today when I walked past the roses and balloons? I'm sure you could have guessed. It's not hard to imagine on this day, of all days.

This is not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

There are so many, many people - girls and guys - in the same place I am. Waiting and wondering if their dreams will ever become a reality, or if they're meant to simply be dreams, blowing away on the winds on time.

When will God's will miraculously morph into my will? When will I stop being selfish and give myself entirely to Him once and for all instead of having to do it multiple times throughout the day? When will I be ok with the fact that for 3 years running my life has looked exactly the same?

This is not my will! Yours be done, God.

What if His will is for me to be 45 years old, living in my parents' home, babysitting my nieces and nephews, and being the secretary at church?

That would not be my will. But if it's yours, Jesus, then let it be done. 

...and really, in the midst of His sovereign grace and goodness, would be be so bad?

I'll be honest with you, I don't want to be single anymore. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'm ok with it, as long as I can do some interesting things during this season of my life. Things like go on Missions Trips, travel to fun places... I'm not too picky.

It's the timeless fight against the old man.

I want change!

Be still.

I'm tired of everything being the same!

Be still.

Not my will? Right. Yours, Lord. Your will be done.

Gently, He shows me His patience with me. In those quiet moments when I get to be alone, just reading or thinking or writing. Those moments that I won't always have once I'm not single, moments to myself that are precious gifts to remind me that there is great contentment in the solitary.  And I realize I love these moments, and one day it will be hard for me to give them up...yes, it's been this way for going on three years, but I have come to love parts of this single life so much. Gentle reminders.

The hard moments are when I go to a wedding or a baby shower and then I leave and I come home and I sit alone in my room feeling jealous. In those moments, my life - and even my attitude -  is not my will.

And that's when He lets me daydream. Planning my own home in my mind. Naming children I dream up in the nurture-bent heart that He's given me.

I am not alone in this battle. Whatever plans you have for yourself - whether God-honoring or not - when they aren't coming to pass, it's hard to let them go. We feel like we have to negotiate with God, "Lord, I would honor you in my marriage, you know I would!" "God, I would raise my children to praise and love you, haven't I proven that to you?" Whatever you're waiting on, there must be a purpose behind the trial, a reason behind the tears. It's hard to remind ourselves of this and it gets old and tiresome, but it's not our will that matters. "Lord, it's your will that matters the most."

I don't know why it's so hard to wait. I don't know why God does the things He does or chooses the timing He chooses.

Some people say when you get to the point where you love God enough, He'll allow whatever you've been so desperately praying for to happen. But we can never love God enough. We can only strive to please Him and work to love Him more each day.

That's my biggest goal for 2014, and I thought it appropriate to share on Valentine's Day.

Release my will, and accept His with open arms. His is so much safer, and all of us can rest and accept whatever it is as long as we have His comforting security.

So as I sit here, alone, 21, single....on Valentine's Day. Again.

It's not my will. Jesus, it's yours.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

As long as I am happy serving Him, He will change my desires to match His, and I will be happier in His will that I could ever be in my own...and this is when His will morphs into mine!

Moments

Quirks. We all have them, we all know people who have them, and we can point them out in everyone else. I have a quirk. Or maybe it's not so much a quirk as it is something else I can't think of a name for.

Sometimes, when I'm trying to write, or I'm thinking, or planning, or I'm in that strange place between sleep and awake, I'll imagine moments in my future. Wondering when I will experience these moments, these events, what will be going through my mind when I do. And sitting there or laying there, I tell myself, "Remember this moment." Remember this moment, the rain on the car window and the soft music my family is listening to. The seat belt over my waist and the head rest pressing into my head. Remember all these things when you finally get to that place you're dreaming of in your future.

And some of those moments have come to pass. When we were on the plane to Germany, my mind went back to when I was packing, folding a scarf and wondering if I would be able to sleep on the plane. "Remember this moment." And I did.

Once it has passed, it is gone. I don't always remember the moments because they are for a certain point in my future. I did that yesterday. I don't remember where I was or what it was for, but one day, that moment will probably come back into my memory, and then it will be gone. It's the remembering, if only for a second, that is worth so much.

When change comes, we try to make moments happen. I don't think the importance of memories really hits us until after we graduate high school. Maybe a little as we prepare for this huge step in our lives, but we have a whole summer ahead of us. The freedom of our recent accomplishment, and most likely, friends to share the sunshine and summer with. And then the fall comes, and the change with it. And college is one month away, and whether you're going, or your friends are going, you're lucky if it hits you a month before the goodbyes. It might hit you a week before, or maybe just a couple of days. And you cram as much as you can into the time you have left. Normal things that you do all the time, but suddenly, it's not so normal anymore, because you know this is the last time for a long time.

And you begin creating moments, grasping at the average because you aren't prepared for this. And you tell your parents, "It just hit me that my friends and I are going separate ways. We'll only see each other on the weekends and we'll be too busy to talk all the time. It's just going to be so weird." Be prepared for it to "hit" you several more times before, during, and after your life shifts.

You won't always have a camera to capture a candid smile, a recorder so you can replay the  laughter, or a video cam so you can re-watch the bonding. You don't need those things to remember. You just have live in the moment, you take a deep breath, and you allow it to saturate your heart, to stamp that memory inside you and not forget.

And the goodbyes come, and maybe you'll be the one leaving, going to experience a new adventure that is yours alone, or maybe you'll be the one staying, wondering what's next and crying as your friend leaves you behind. The new chapter of your life is beginning, and all you really want to do is re-read the previous paragraph because it was just so, so good.

In the days to come, all of the changes will "hit" you again, and again, and again. You will get into a new routine, and when you're eating breakfast on the run because you overslept and you grab your books and your mind is filled with all the new things you're learning, there will be a second when everything freezes. You know the feeling, the realization, the moment it "hits" you again. The same thing that happens when you're getting ready for work, washing the sleep from your eyes and putting on your nice clothes because you have to look like somebody. You look up and meet your own eyes in the mirror and....this is now. This is your life. This is what you prepared for, what you wondered was going to be like. And it is here. It's amazing and confusing, it's life and it's yours. It has begun, you've started reading the next chapter. It's wonderful, you love it, but sometimes, all you want to do is go back, read the beginning again, and your heart will crack a little because you know there is no way to go back, no way to recreate precious experiences.

But you will have moments to remember. Sitting at Sonic at 9:30 at night, you sipped your raspberry sweet tea and shared onion rings with your friend and you looked around the picnic table, at the laughter and the sarcasm, the humidity thick in the air, and you thought about how in just a little while, your friend was leaving everyone for six months, you would only be able to talk to her on very sporadic occasions, and you remembered that moment. And you remembered it again when you saw a picture of her with a little baby in the clinic, and the memory was even sweeter.

You remembered the moments, the tang of strawberries and the sweet cream cheese on the fruit pizza your friend brought over for your last non-sleepover sleepover before her wedding, and you knew, in just one week to the minute, you would be standing on a platform, witnessing the biggest change in her life to date. And, one week later, standing on that platform in the pink dress you helped her shop for, fighting back a flood of tears as you watched her kneel and pray with her new husband, you remembered that moment. And were so thankful for it.

So to my friends, to whom these experiences and goodbyes are coming in the next few weeks as some of you go to college, one of you gets married, and the rest of you go back to school or continue with your jobs, remember the moments. Playing volleyball after church in our awesome "new" gym, hanging out on Google, going to lock-ins and birthday celebrations. Remember it all. All the moments, and if you have to, create them so that when you say goodbye, when you sit at church or Sonic and someone is missing, you can transport your mind back to the normal things that are now special occasions. Because yes, what was once something you did all the time now has to be planned, there are time limits and schedules, and each moment becomes sweeter and more special. Capture them. "Remember this moment."

Why Duct Tape is Important

I wrote this when I was eighteen years old and shared it with some of my friends and family. I stumbled across it a while back ago, and seriously thought I had already posted it. I'm not going to lie, it's one of those things that makes me nervous about clicking the little "publish" button. Just keep in mind that this was written 2 years ago, please! I'm still keeping the promises I wrote about, and I still stick to what it says, I just might word it a little differently these days. ;) I hope you enjoy it, please let me know your thoughts in a comment!

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Someday, I'd like to get married. I really would. I think I'd enjoy it, but first I need to find a groom.

But I'm not looking. Really I'm not. I know I grumble and complain about being eighteen and not having a boyfriend and oh, what if that never happens to me, but in all seriousness, I'm not worried. If God wants me to get married, it'll happen in His time, and I honestly believe He'd like me to. I'm not claiming that He personally told me that, but I believes He gives us the desires of our hearts.

So I'm not looking. Do I expect this Mr. Right to show up gift wrapped and perfect? Pretty much. I am waiting on him.

Yes, I have high expectations, and I believe that's ok. I suppose I expect of him what I expect of me. So to describe what he must be, I have to describe what I must be.

I must promise God to never give away a single smidgen of my heart until my wedding day. He can hold it for me while I wait! And I'll let my dad take care of protecting it.

I must promise to serve the Lord, obey my parents, and treat people right.

I must promise to use my talents for God's purpose, to treasure every moment, and choose happiness every day.

I must purpose to pray for my future husband every single day.

But what is the significance of duct tape? That's easy to answer: I wear a promise ring. They're now called purity rings, but I prefer to call mine a promise ring because of all the different promises I've made. On my eighteenth birthday I got my braces taken off, and when I got home a ring I had picked out a few days before had come in the mail. It's a Celtic design (which is a woven design) and I've decided it's my new promise ring. It reminds me to keep my heart and life woven with Christ, and He'll send me someone that I can weave it with here on earth.

But still, duct tape? Ok, so I read a book over the summer titled "Praying for your Future Husband" and it was written partly by one of my all time favorite authors, Robin Jones Gunn.

In the book, she tells a true story about her son.

I cannot remember his name, nor how old he was, but when he was a teenager he went to a summer camp. One day he was helping tear down a tent, and a girl came up to him. She told him to meet her by the lake that night, and she would let him be the one to give her her first kiss, then she walked off. At that moment, he was peeling off the duct tape that was holding one of the posts together. It occurred to him that duct tape is something so small, so seemingly insignificant, but it was strong enough to hold an entire tent up and prevent it from falling and hurting a bunch of people.

On the spur of the moment, he wound some of this duct tape together and made a ring for his ankle. He promised himself he would not take it off until his wedding day when he gave his first kiss away to his bride and let her cut it off. I believe he was fifteen. (He did not meet the girl at the lake.)

True story!

Over the years, as the tape wore thin and became dingy, he simply added more layers. People asked him about it all the time, and his mother said it began to look like a shackle. But he said it was a constant reminder not to fall into temptation, and through different girlfriends the tape remained on his ankle.

Finally, he met The One. On their wedding day he gave her two gifts: a pair of diamond earrings, and a pair of scissors. She cut through the layers and layers of duct tape and promises, and finally he gave her his third gift: his first kiss.

While I believe this is a little extreme and I would never expect someone to do this, I think it's a beautiful story. A story of kept promises no matter what other people said. A story of a love so strong that before he even met this girl he wanted to give her everything he had. It's beautiful, and if you can get past the "duct tape anklet?" you might smile too.

So yes, I wear a promise ring, and while I never expect my future husband to actually have anything that symbolizes all of this, I hope he realizes the importance of it.

I hope he knows how strong duct tape is.

Valentine's Day ♥

 aka "Single Awareness Day". ;) I'm not one of those people who hates this holiday because I'm single, I don't mope around and act like my world is terrible, I usually just act sarcastic about it and joke with my single friends. That said, I don't exactly love Valentine' Day yet, either. I can celebrate it with my family/friends, and apply the love to them, but to be honest, Valentine's Day is advertised as a holiday for couples, and I'm ok with that. My day will come!

Sometimes, it's not the most fun thing to do, wait. I can't say it's not easy, because really, what's to waiting? You just go on with your life and you hope someone shows up (sooner rather than later, if we're honest). It's not FUN, but it's not HARD. 

One of my favorite quotes recently has been "If you're not happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within, not from men."

There are so many girls and boys who search for someone to date. My dad calls it "shopping", and that's pretty much what it is. They go from boyfriend to girlfriend, through breakups, to love, and all over again because their definition of love is warped. Love is one of the greatest gifts God gave us. I personally don't think a 14 year old girl really knows if she's "in love" with a 15 year old boy. Love, true love, is a mature emotion that grows and deepens with time. That's why I'm ok with waiting. When the time comes for me to be in love, I want it to be real, and I don't want anyone to have to question or wonder at the depth of that love.

I once had a Sunday School teacher use the illustration of a paper heart. He described dating around like this: When you meet and "fall in love" with someone, you're giving them a piece of your heart. He tore off a little piece of the paper and threw it away. What if that relationship doesn't work out? Your heart is no longer whole. You meet someone else, the same thing all over again. Another little piece of your heart, thrown away. The more times this happens, the more of your heart that's gone. Then one day, finally, you meet The One. You fall in love - real love - and you get engaged. On your wedding day, you officially give him/her your heart. But it isn't whole. There's only a small part of what once was. 

Someday, I will give my whole heart to someone. There will be no missing pieces, just one strong, beating heart, ready to be placed in the hands of a man I love and trust.

For the girls that read my blog, I have a list of books that have helped/encouraged me. I might not agree with every single little thing in every single one in them, but for the most part, they're very good books. I would love it if you would get one/all of them, read them, and let me know what you think. I LOVE talking about books!

Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right  by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones

For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice
This book isn't as much about being single as it is practical advice for unmarried girls. Pretty much a lot of stuff that my dad has been telling me for years, this book just put it all in perspective. It's full of surveys and questions they asked a bunch of guys, and you'd be surprised at how helpful it is!

Preparing to be a Helpmeet by Debi Pearl
You may have heard of her book "Created to be a Helpmeet". This book is for younger, newlywed or unmarried girls.

Praying for your Future Husband: Preparing You Heart for His by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer
I'm going to go ahead and say that this one is my favorite, and yes, it probably has something to do with the fact that Robin Jones Gunn is one of my all-time favorite authors. This is an amazing book that teaches us how to pray for our future husbands, what to pray, and why we should be praying it.

I hope this blog entry wasn't too weird! I'm beginning to think I fail at blogging (it's been 10 days since my last post!) but I had a few minutes during work this morning and this was the result. This is me, and I'm always nervous putting stuff like this out there, but this time I really wanted to. I hope everyone - single or not - has a FANTASTIC Valentine's Day! I'll be spending my evening with three little boys, how are you celebrating?