Christmas to Me

One of my favorite Christmas songs is by a group I really cannot recommend, but it played on Pandora last year and I really liked it. It's called "That's Christmas to Me", and it just reminded me that while there are so many holiday traditions, the special ones are the ones that each family has for themselves.

Christmas can be a bit of a touchy subject in Christian groups. Celebrate or don't celebrate? Tree or no tree? Christmas music or no?

While my family does celebrate Christmas, and we do set up a tree, and I've had my Christmas cd's playing on repeat, I have several friends who don't, and that's ok. We don't try to shove our beliefs on each other, and we respect the differences in opinion.

But do you know what Christmas is to me?

It's not about unwrapping presents, it's about spending the time picking out those perfect gifts that let the other person know you've been listening, that you truly do know them - likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. You heard, and wanted to do something special for those special people. This year, I'm most excited to give my mom her gift. In one way I want her to open it right now, but in another way, I want to put it off as long as possible because once everything's been given, the excitement of anticipation is over.

Anticipation. That's my most favorite part. The weeks leading up to the 25th. For us, it starts on Thanksgiving Day putting up the tree and the lights and all the decorations. In the following weeks we go shopping, we bake, we stay up late watching Christmas movies. I wish it lasted 2 months, if I'm being honest - it goes by way too fast!

Christmas is about family and friends, and spending quality with those you love the most. It's helping others who are maybe a little lonely or have a little less. 

It's telling the story of Christ's birth over and over while Lena Rae moves our nativity magnets where they go. Mary and "Jophus" making the trip to Bethlehem to have baby Jesus, the angel telling the shepherds who were watching their sheep to find the sleeping baby, and the wise men from the east following the star that pointed to Jesus. Then we move it to the other side of the fridge as we tell it again.

It's our quiet Christmas Day (which we spend as Christmas Eve), playing games, eating good food, and ending with "It's a Wonderful Life". I cannot tell you how much I love this movie, I truly look forward to watching it every year and I don't think Christmas would be the same to me without it.  "Remember, no man is a failure who has friends."

cousins! matching was a BIG deal :)

It's making Stromboli with the kids and buying them pajamas to wear while we drive around town with our hot chocolate looking at Christmas lights. They're old enough now to remember and realize that it's an annual tradition, and their excitement makes me even more excited. Just the aunts and our nephews and niece! 

I always try to take some extra time to contemplate (and usually write) about Mary and Joseph and what the birth of Jesus must have been like for them. There's no way to even come close to imagining carrying the maker of your own body inside of that body. To nourish and clothe and raise the One who gave you life. If I had the chance to sit down and talk to Mary and ask her questions and hear her stories, I would never stop listening. I would always want to know more. 

Christmas doesn't have to look the same for everyone - indeed, I hope it doesn't! But I do hope you don't get caught up in the commercialism of it. The stress and worry of trying to get everyone you know a present. My friends and I try to get together for coffee or just a talk, but we made a "no gift" rule several years ago because that's just not what it's all about. 

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you a bit of what Christmas is to me and I hope you have a very merry one. I will be spending it in church with my very large "extended" family! Thank you for reading, and I'll "see" you in 2017.

december

This might be my last post for 2016. It's been a busy month, but the next two weeks are relatively empty, and even though that's (usually) when I post more, I think I want to focus 100% on family time and Christmas baking. 

So far December has been a busy month, and for me, that's made it even happier. I can tend to be a slightly obsessive person, especially when it comes to over thinking, so when I'm busy and focused on something else, that's when I'm happiest. If my brain isn't occupied with things in my control, it's way too occupied with things that are out of my control!

We started the month off with a bang during Missions Conference. I feel like I probably say it every year, but this year was my favorite. It was our 25th Conference, every single missionary was friendly, sweet, and really bared their hearts to us during their presentations. It doesn't always happen that way, but I just fell in love with all of them. The countries represented were New Zealand, Botswana, Papua New Guinea, the Republic of Georgia, Trinidad, and from our own missionaries, Ethiopia, Fiji, Indonesia, and Belize (our missionaries to Australia came last year!) 

As I type this, I'm halfway curled up around the space heater in my office. Monday night of the Conference (it goes Sun.- Wed.), we had a rather big *ahem* leak in the basement where all of our offices are. It didn't affect the meeting in the slightest, but it ruined the flooring in 3 offices and the entire lobby. We're nearly done replacing it all but mine will be last and I've gone from carpet to bare concrete and it's currently 26°! I'm upgrading from carpet to tile and a nice rug though, so I can't complain. :)

Jace turned 8 on the 5th, and I might have been a little tiny bit emotional about it. He's up to my shoulder now, and he's reading chapter books and looks a little snaggle-toothed.

a seven year difference

Lena Rae's best friend, her cousin Sophie, came a couple of nights to the conference. They're 11 months apart in age (Sophie's older) and such happy little girls together. Sophie has six brothers, Lena Rae has four, so they just love being around each other (they've managed to be the girliest of girls despite - actually, because of - being surrounded by boys).

 

Sophie on the left, LR on the right

 

To "wrap it up", here's a summary of Christmas parties this month:

Saturday (10th) - my Sunday School class took a trip to Bellbuckle, TN. 

That was a morning/afternoon event, and that night at 5:00 I headed two minutes down the road to help my friends get ready for their Christmas party  - ugly sweaters, gag gifts, and a waffle bar with all kinds of holiday beverages!

of course I had to buy her baby Klay an ugly Christmas sleeper!

Last night in my Wednesday night class (I'm the "helper" for the 8 & 9 year olds), we had a fun party - I provided snacks and made my own favorites, cookies & milk and apple pie apples. No pics because they all have the kids in them, but the teacher had the cutest games and it was a lot of fun!

Friday (16) - my next door neighbor is "hosting" a Christmas party - he's single, so a bunch of the girls in our group are kind of taking over and making a bunch of soup and we're going to just hang out and play games. It's also my parents 38th anniversary! (but they've been together for 40 years. that's a really long time)

Saturday (17) - Christmas at my grandparents! This takes most of the day and is so relaxing and fun. We play white elephant and the little ones get stockings. We eat a big breakfast, then after playing the game have a "snack extravaganza" for lunch - we all bring finger foods and it's chaotic madness but great fun. (4 kids = 17 grandkids =  = 8 great grandkids + a slew of in-laws and a great aunt = lots of people)

Sunday (18) - we have our annual Open House for the members of our church after the evening service. That's a lot of people in our home, but it's a lot of fun! It is slightly overwhelming, but our church family is very sweet and no one really stays overly late so while a lot goes into preparing and it's a little loud, it's also a lot of fun.

Monday (19) - Amie and I will have our "Christmas Party with the Aunts" with the kids. Now THAT'S a lot of fun! Strombolli and pj's and games and a Christmas movie and snacks! 

And THEN we can sleep until Christmas! (just kidding ;) ) We will be having church on Christmas Day, so everyone is coming over on the 26th for our family celebration. I can wait. My favorite part is the build up, the anticipation, the whole atmosphere of this time of year. I hope you've had a lovely December, it truly is a wonderful life! 

 

things i love thursday

I firmly believe that in every situation, no matter how difficult, God extends grace greater than the hardship, and strength and peace of mind that can lead us to a place higher than where we were before.

-Andy Griffith

Doing these lists every Thursday has made me realize how quickly the weeks go by. This will probably be the last post for a little while because life is about to get really busy. It's only Thursday, but this week has already sucked a lot out of me. Do you ever have those weeks? You just get a little bit more "in your head" and maybe a little overwhelmed and you find yourself ready for the weekend and a long nap where you don't have to think about anything. As Scarlett O'Hara would say, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about it tomorrow."

those friends again

Catching up with the ones who've moved away and kissing their babies and getting those sweet little hugs.

Hiking with the ones nearby and discussing life.

Staying up until 11pm eating chips and laughing at snapchat filters. It truly is the little things. 

ten of my favorite people

pasta salad and chicken salad

It's up close to 80° again today, and those are the perfect things to eat. 

pumpkin everything

Pumpkin chai, pumpkin bread, pumpkin creamer, pumpkin candle, pumpkin cupcakes...pumpkin is a funny word. Most people around here say "punkin".

missionaries  

I sat in on a Missions Conference 2 nights this week and got re-energized for our own. The missionaries and their presentations always tug at my heart - especially when they expose their own heart for the people they're called to. 

This particular presentation was very special - we've know this missionary for so many years, and my church has built over 20 of these orphan homes. He is moving and changing this country because he truly cares about them. https://vimeo.com/178260459

thanksgiving

It's one week away! I may be "behind" on a lot of things, but holiday preparation is not one of them!

poem of the week 

Y'all ok with these? I just love them! (Plus, I think this one's neat because he wrote it for his brother.)

Hymn for My Brother's Ordination

Related Poem Content Details

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

Christ to the young man said: "Yet one thing more;

If thou wouldst perfect be,

Sell all thou hast and give it to the poor,

And come and follow me!" 

Within this temple Christ again, unseen,

Those sacred words hath said,

And his invisible hands to-day have been

  Laid on a young man's head. 

And evermore beside him on his way

  The unseen Christ shall move,

That he may lean upon his arm and say,

  "Dost thou, dear Lord, approve?" 

Beside him at the marriage feast shall be,

  To make the scene more fair;

Beside him in the dark Gethsemane

  Of pain and midnight prayer. 

O holy trust!  O endless sense of rest!

  Like the beloved John

To lay his head upon the Saviour's breast,

And thus to journey on!

I hope each of you has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I, for one, am very excited about it! Thanks for reading, what do you love today?

things i love thursday

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

-Aristotle

Two weeks in a row, what do you know? Look at me go!

I love dumb rhymes.

the weather

Y'all, it was 30° this morning! What a change from last week! There was ice on my windshield and I shivered all the way to work - finally!

holiday season

Can we just say it's here already? I mean, it's too early for Christmas but Thanksgiving's in two weeks and today the kids are going to be at the house and I think we'll do some Thanksgiving crafts and teach them how to do a skit (update: Amie said she tried and it did not go well. ;) )

fall back
I don't like the fact that it's dark at 5pm and I get sleepy at 7pm and I feel like I'm always running late for everything while I'm actually an hour early, but other than that, it's great! Honestly though, it's really nice not getting up while it's still dark, and it feels like the days get off to a better start somehow. Plus, when it gets dark so early there's not much else to do but read a book!

answered prayers

The months of September and October and the first part of November were incredibly difficult for my extended family. After weeks of unanswered questions, a nearly miraculous recovery, and a few weeks of healing, today all is well again. We're planning Thanksgiving as usual and no one is ill. Only God could could have made that possible.

the election. is. over.

Regardless of how you voted (and I sincerely hope you did), it's over now and Donald Trump is our president elect. I wrote a big long thing on how I feel about all of it this morning and just now deleted it because there's no point in publishing it. Let's just remember that the most important changes will be the ones we decide to make inside of our own homes, we can lead by example, and as Christians, our orders have not changed. We'll respect those in authority and pray for them, regardless of how we feel about it. (I think feelings should be left out if it more anyway.)

a clean car

Can I confess something? In all of my neat-freakish, tidy tendencies, I HATE washing my car. It is without a doubt my least favorite responsibility. The inside stays neat as a pin 99.9% of the time (any trash is removed from that thing the moment I pull in my house). The outside, on the other hand, has to get pretty embarrassing for me to grant it worthy of a washing. It got a bath Monday though and I must say I'm quite enjoying it!

friends

The older I get, the more dear they become. I love my friends like they're my family.

And I leave you with Longfellow because...I mean, c'mon, it's Longfellow. I don't really need a reason, do I?

The Tide Rises, the Tide Falls

Related Poem Content Details

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

The tide rises, the tide falls, 

The twilight darkens, the curlew calls; 

Along the sea-sands damp and brown 

The traveller hastens toward the town, 

      And the tide rises, the tide falls. 

Darkness settles on roofs and walls, 

But the sea, the sea in the darkness calls; 

The little waves, with their soft, white hands, 

Efface the footprints in the sands, 

      And the tide rises, the tide falls. 

The morning breaks; the steeds in their stalls 

Stamp and neigh, as the hostler calls; 

The day returns, but nevermore 

Returns the traveller to the shore, 

      And the tide rises, the tide falls. 

P.S. I loved reading what you loved last week, so please feel free to use my comment section to list the things you love Thursday!

things i love thursday

Wouldn't life be much more lovely if we could learn to be continually grateful for the things we have instead of fretting over the things we don't?

Y'all, I'm cleaning out my drafts folder! There is no telling what I'll be posting on here in the coming weeks - or maybe I'll just delete them - either way, this was in my drafts from last week but I never finished my list! I'll start a fresh one in a minute, but I always like to ramble for a little while first. 

Do you ever go through a big "cleaning out"? I do! My sister-in-law told me I'm perpetually cleaning-out, but I just don't like stuff! If I haven't used/worn/looked at/read/touched it in awhile, why in the world is it still hanging out with me? Last week I went through my closet, packing away some summer stuff and mingling in my winter things. (This was a mistake since it was 86° yesterday and has been in the 80's all week.) I went through clothes, books, shoes, receipts, bills... I'm not an overly sentimental person, so when it comes to papers I have to go though, well, I don't really have any to go through. I'll keep cards for awhile, but I went through a big letter and card throw-away a few months ago so I was proud of myself for only having a tiny little stack of papers! (P.S. If you've ever sent me a card, I do keep it if you've written something on it. I just don't keep it forever :/)

Then I got on my laptop and noticed I had lots of emails stacked up so I hit the "select all" and then "delete forever" and whoosh! They were gone! (minus my personal email where I save all y'all's comments) I then went to my texts and remembered I'd also deleted all of them a few weeks ago - I don't know why all of this is so satisfying for me, but apparently it's so satisfying that I wanted to tell you about it!

Anyway! Do you wanna know some things I love Thursday? Here we (finally) go...

squeaky clean windows |  Bananagrams | organizing (see above ;)) | new towels | candles | Amazon Prime | coffee in the mornings (it really does help! I get why everyone drinks it now - it's 6:15am and I'm already going strong - talk to my mom if you think this is normal for me) try it with half heavy whipping cream/half pumpkin spice creamer. Mmm | tea parties with Lena Rae-Rae | OUR CHRISTMAS CARD IS DESIGNED & ORDERED AND MY POEM IS WRITTEN! hallelujah | Thanksgiving plans (favorite.holiday) | Darlene Rose's testimony (she spoke at our church years and years ago and I listened to the 2-hour long recording again recently. I cried for the whole 2 hours, but then again, I cry over everything) | maple trees (I can only ever identify trees in the fall, and even then only maple) | frosted lemonade (see 86°) | cooking | windows open all day every day |  all things Missions Conference! (this makes me more excited than anything else)

notice the pinky raise ;) just on the wrong hand!

A friend sent me this recently. I've had this poem memorized since 8th grade, and it's still a favorite. It was actually the first one I ever memorized, and the only one ever required. It sparked my love for good poetry. This is a beautiful recitation, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do...

 There are some things in life never to be revisited, and that's ok.

I hope you're having the loveliest Fall! (I read somewhere that in the U.K. they say Autumn because of the French word "Automne" and later the Latin "Autumnus", but in the U.S. we call it Fall because "leaves fall down" ;) ) I'd love to hear some things you're loving this Thursday...or Friday or Saturday, whenever you read this!

NYC | travel post

New York City is somewhere I've always thought would be so. much. fun. to visit, but never thought I would. Not in my single 20's, anyway. Our family vacations are usually in more relaxing, restful locations so I just didn't give it a lot of thought. (Except, you know, "wow, that would be fun.")

Until this summer at a family reunion talking to one of my cousins about how our traveling friends were all starting to get married and the ones still willing to travel with us weren't interested in the big cities.

"We should go!"

"A family girls trip? Yes!"

"Hey mom, y'all wanna go to New York City for a weekend?"

By the next week we had bought our plane tickets. A few weeks later our hotel was booked. Then we bought city passes, bus tickets, and last Wednesday we got up at 3:30am to get on a plane!

all of our selfie stick photos

We got there at 10:30am, checked into our hotel room (30th floor!)...

...then grabbed coffee and pastries on our way to Grand Central Station. We giggled our way through our first subway ride on our way to Times Square. Wednesday also included the Top off the Rock,  Central Park, and the Museum of Natural History. We ended the day soaking our feet and eating take out Chinese food after walking around 8 miles.

The second day (Thursday) found us on the top of a double decker bus where we saw a whole lot of the city on our way to the 911 monument and museum. We walked what felt like forever to find a TKTS booth to buy our Broadway tickets (sold at half price in 3 locations in the city), then got drenched on the rest of the bus ride but saw the United Nations building, Trump Tower, and a lot of other stuff that wasn't on our list. ;)  We came back to our room late that afternoon and got dressed up to go see Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway (after walking nearly 10 miles). On the way to the subway we stopped at Momofuku's (a milk bar) for their famous cereal milk ice cream (worth it!), and on the way back stopped to take a picture at Tiffany's. Fiddler was incredible, and it also allowed us to see Times Square at night. Since it was nearly a 3 hour play, we once again ate Chinese food because even in NYC, most restaurants are closed at 11pm and we wanted to just eat in bed. We walked over 11 miles that day!

On our third day in the city (Friday) we got up a bit earlier and headed to the Statue of Liberty. It was a cold morning and we rode on [the very windy] top of the Ellis Island Ferry. The statue was beautiful, though, and we also saw Trinity Church ("on the corner of Broad and Main"), the bull of Wall Street, and ate lunch at Shake Shack! It lived up to it's wonderful reputation - I ordered the Shack Burger, cheese fries, and a chocolate malted. We took the hoho (hope on/hop off) bus again and saw some more of the city. We walked around Chinatown, went in "the" Macy's on 5th Avenue (34th Street) and bought some warm clothes at H&M and Forever21 (only place we could afford on 6th Avenue haha) for the 2-hour nighttime bus tour of Manhattan and Brooklyn. We were frozen solid when we got off, so we got a pepperoni pizza from Ray's and a slice of blueberry cheesecake from Lindy's and took it back to the room. Walked over 10 miles again altogether.

Saturday morning we packed our stuff up, got one last bagel and acai bowl, and walked down 5th Avenue. We went in Saks, St. Paul's Cathedral, and got coffee at Ralph's Coffee above Ralph Lauren before heading back to catch our ride to the airport!

We're still catching up on sleep and I have a new appreciation for the quiet calm of my little southern town ("green acres is the place for me!"), but I wouldn't trade this experience or the memories we made for anything. It was an incredible adventure that I'm so thankful to have had.

And since we took pictures of practically everything we ate, here are those... ;)

change

It's fall, y'all! Actually, it's been fall for nearly a week, but this is my first chance to sit and write about it.

Actually, no, that's not true. I've had many chances, but I made gingersnaps with pumpkin dip one day, and then another day it was chocolate chip cookies for a church picnic. On my day off I went shopping for an upcoming trip, got a whole lot of hair chopped off, and celebrated with a PSL! (pumpkin spice latte...except in frappucino form because it's like sipping on pumpkin pie.) 

Usually I'm reluctant to welcome Fall because I am not a cold weather girl and Fall is the doorway to Winter. However, I've been craving change for some time now and the crisp mornings and cozy evenings are exactly what my soul's been needing. I'm even looking forward to a cold Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. A new year with new motivation and new chances. Ah, yes, I'm ready for change. Funny how a difficult season can make something you don't normally appreciate so very attractive. I feel like I'm running towards Fall with my arms wide open. Let me forget Summer for a moment and relish in the smells and sensations that are Autumn.

Change is such a funny thing. Some changes we wholeheartedly embrace, welcoming them with every fiber of our being. Some however, even when they are good and the best choice, rip our hearts out in the process. I was reminded of this the other day when one of my older neighbors asked us to help her move. She has made this choice for herself, and in many ways she's excited about it. She will be so relived once she's taken the final step, but regardless of all of that, her eyes pooled up as the rest of her face smiled. Change is difficult no matter how old you are.

72 hours later...

I quit writing 3 days ago because something came up and I closed my folder and it slipped quietly out of my mind. Today, however, I was suddenly bombarded all at once with people emailing, texting, and even telling me in person that it was time for another post. I don't feel like it today. The words I want to write are spilling down my cheeks because they won't form. They are an emotion I cannot describe, cannot pinpoint, do not understand. An emotion I had forbidden, had restrained, but is sometimes stronger than I am.

This changes the entire tone of this post. It started out as a crisp fall morning with a refreshing scent and delicious feel. Now the shadows have lengthened, it's gotten a little musty, and has a slightly bitter aftertaste. I really didn't want to change direction. Change...

I titled this post before I wrote the first word. Before inspiration struck, I had change on my mind. And this is how change works. One morning we've finally let go of those worries and doubts and cares. A few days later we find we've picked them back up and then some.

"Change" has many shapes and forms, can be big or small, can rearrange our lives or simply our minds. We never welcome it exactly the same. Sometimes we're ready, but often we're not.

Ah, friends, I'm laying it back down. I've stopped asking God for help with some things, I've started just giving them to Him. I like to grab them back a lot, I'm selfish and I'm always trying to fix everything, even the things I can't. He is so, so real. You know this, I know this, but we don't always live like it. Sometimes I can't get my prayers past my lips, sometimes He's right beside me, understanding before I've even formed my thought. We should only crave the change He requires. Surrender is so very hard because I don't know where it will lead, but I'm ready to hand it all over.

Have you reached this point with me? You probably reached it long before me. It's taking me a long time, and I have to go one day at a time, slowly changing my mindset, my actions, my heart. It's a painful process, but when I can look back and see the hard choices I've made and His blessings upon them, I'm willing to make more change.

It is time to see how beautiful dead things can be. I refuse to resurrect the old man or to "dig up in doubt what I planted in faith."

things i love thursday

Happy September 1! For some reason, this month feels like a chance at a fresh start. A clean slate, and an opportunity to change perspective, choose joy, and start the change of the seasons on a more positive note. There will still be more serious-toned posts peppered throughout this blog, probably even this month. I haven't arrived at the end of the rainbow yet, I'm just learning more about the journey to get there, and the growth along the way.

Since the first day of this month is on a Thursday, and since there's a feeling of excitement in the air due to our church's 25th anniversary celebration next week, I decided to throw it back to Things I Love Thursday because it's been a good week, friends, and I want to hold on to those happy vibes and give credit to the little things that have made it that way. (side note - that was an incredibly long sentence)

Reading. 
You know that moment when you get together with someone you haven't seen or talked to in ages and at first it's slow going but after awhile you start thinking, "Wow, why don't I talk to them all the time? This is amazing!" That's how I've been with books lately. Somehow I've scheduled my days in a way that I've found more free time in the afternoons, and in this nice mid 80's-low 90's weather, I could sit on the porch with a book for hours at a time. 
"I don't always find time to read, but when I do, I spend the next seven hours of my life doing just that."

Sunshine.
I thought they were calling for rain, but there's barely been a cloud in the sky this week. The kids came over the other day and we swam for a couple of hours. Squeals and giggles and water up noses...it was an adventure, and it was wonderful. Afterwards we took a drive with the windows down and listened to Lena Rae chatter for 30 minutes. Summer is glorious, and we're in the days where the only way I know how to describe what we're doing is savoring it. Fall is right around the corner, so each of these hot, sunny days is spent trying to wring every last drop of "summer" out of them.


Reminiscing.
"Do you remember when..." "There was this one time..." and an hour later our bellies hurt from laughing, or our throats are sore from trying not to cry. My church will celebrate 25 years this coming week, and as we go through old pictures and listen to old songs, it's impossible not to miss those that are gone, and a time when we were a very small group of people, each one of us members of a family. It's grown a lot over the years, but it still feels like a family, our lives revolve around church and church events for the most part, and it just feels right to celebrate our beginning.

ice cream cones after church - me and Amie with a couple of our friends

baby kisses | warm breezes | ice cold soft drinks (because who drinks those in the winter?) |  buying luggage and purses, booking flights and hotel rooms (hmm...) | grilling | packages in the mail | windows down | secrets and surprises | Lena Rae saying "anybody is mine friend!" | baby showers | staying in touch with my friends who've moved away (we even enjoy group texting each other ;) ) | heart to heart conversation | Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, my favorite poet

baby Klay's book baby shower a few weeks ago

 And forever and forever,

   As long as the river flows,

As long as the heart has passions,

   As long as life has woes;

The moon and its broken reflection

   And its shadows shall appear,

As the symbol of love in heaven,

   And its wavering image here. 

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(The ending of "The Bridge")

full of weakness

My next door neighbor passed away yesterday. He was only 40 years old, he had a massive heart attack, and it was very, very unexpected.

Today as I sat on our porch reading I watched them dig his grave in the cemetery next to our house.

How quickly everything can change.

I've lived here all of my life, and his family has been the farmers next door for just as long. He helped us with our cows when we needed it, he cut our other neighbors' hay every year. Though I didn't know him well, he always seemed jovial, friendly, and ready to lend a hand.

As my brother and the rest of the community has mentioned, it's so hard to believe and reconcile that he's gone now. Just like that. He'll no longer be driving his tractor past our homes and waving to us.

I kept waking up last night with this burden and so many others pressing down on me. Sometimes we beg God. Sometimes it's the only way we know how to pray. I know God didn't make this tragedy happen, He simply allowed it. As in my post a month or so ago, we cannot answer the "why's", we can only hope that He will help us make sense of it all someday.

"I know the Lord will bring all of this to a conclusion that pleases Him, and I trust Him."

Trust is simple. Waiting is simple. Ah, but they're not easy. Tonight I put my book aside and simply swang gently while I watched the sun set. In the beauty and quiet of the evening I couldn't stop the emotions. Oh Lord, the world is so heavy. I have so many questions, so many doubts, and there is so much hurt in the world. I have an entire list of people dying or who have already passed away. For every miracle you give us it seems like there are two heart breaks. Oh Lord, please help us.

Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth. | Hosea 6:3

Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate? He can show us His will like a strike of lightening, or He can come to us as rain. The God whom I begged to descend like a cloud of comfort on my neighbor's family is the same God who whispers peace to my troubled and anxious spirit. The God who protects my dad in his travels is the same one who directs the paths of missionaries overseas. No matter how much, often, or far away He's needed, He's never stretched thin. A simple principle, I know, but a reminder than I need more than I want to admit.

We are so full of weakness, I more than ever. But somehow, through my weakness, I've found a strength I didn't even know I possessed. It's found in His joy. You see, I have none on my own, even in the simplest pleasures of my life, it's all from Him. The more I work on our relationship, the more I choose Him over the other loves in my life, the more I find that just when I need it, the strength for another moment is there.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Maybe as a plea for prayer, maybe to let anyone who needed to read it know that if you struggle with anxiety, if you're enduring a hard time, you aren't alone. All of us have our own battles, unique to us but not to God. I pray that each of you go to Him for your strength, and that you find it through His joy.

summer photos

I could ramble on and on about VBS, Jr. Camp, Youth Camp, and all of the in between planning that goes into each event, but instead, I'll just share a few pictures.

VBS and Jr. Camp happen in the same week - and let me tell you, there is no tired like Friday afternoon of that week tired. It's so fun, though! I got to travel around with the 2 and 3 year olds again this year, and they're so sweet. It's all new and exciting to them, and as Lena Rae called it, "ABCD" is a very grown up experience to these little people. (Once Lena finally remembered the correct letters were VBS, she pronounced it as "b-b-ee-us")

Many parents don't want pictures of their children online, so here are just a few of the pictures I have where none of their faces are visible.

The parachute is THE. FUNNEST. GAME. (or so I've been told)

The Jr. Campers put on a skit for the kids at VBS on the Prodigal Son. This was the riotous living. ;)

Lena Rae was very willing to put on the outfit when we "visited Mexico". 

VBS starts at 9am - by 11:30, Duck Duck Goose is way too demanding.

Silly Supper

Kaitlyn and I decided that the kids needed to experience a Silly Supper like we did "back in the day"

Silly Supper explanation: We came up with a menu, and then assigned each item gross, silly descriptions - such as Shredded Stock (roast beef), Swarm of Lice (lima beans), and Swine Husks (corn on the cob), just to name a few. We told the kids to dress up for a "nice dinner" and then each of our waiters (teens and young adults) dressed up in ridiculous outfits, us females wore pigtails or whatever other unusual thing we could do with our hair (see above picture - this was after supper so we're a little disheveled), and acted proper while seating them, watching them stress over their very strange menus while taking orders, and then serving them their Scorch (brownies) or Sweet Disappointment (lemonade). It's a lot of fun and the kids had a blast!

After that week was over, we had Saturday and Sunday to clean up, do laundry, regroup, and pack  rest before heading out to Youth Camp on Monday. Youth Camp this year was incredible. I once again had the 13 year old girls in my room and we had a lot of fun. Our camp is entirely tech free so there were no phones, iPods, cameras (expect for the designated photographers), or anything like that all week. I had my phone because I was a counselor, but I only took this one picture on the last afternoon. I kept mine off and away like everyone else and it allowed for a clear mind and better ability to focus on what God wanted to do. I believe it was one of our best camps yet.

We've had three weeks free, and it's been wonderful! One week from today Music School begins, and even though that's a little overwhelming, having these weeks to just rest and have fun has really helped. We've kept ourselves busy, but it's been a good busy.

One early Saturday morning Amie and I took a hike with a couple of our friends at a lake nearby. I thought it was going to be a stroll by the lake. Nope. It was a hike. We had 6 miles in by 8:30am though, so it was a lot of fun and by the time we finished it was up to 85 degrees so we beat most of the heat!

We finally had another girls' night after about a year. We realized the last time we did this was when Lena Rae was just a few months old, and now that Tara's back in Tennessee we should do it more often.

We ate at Puckett's in downtown Franklin and had dishes like chicken and waffles, shrimp and grits, and mac-n-cheese BBQ. I highly recommend this restaurant! It was really small, was also a grocery store, and had live music (we weren't sure about that at first, but the man playing an instrument I've never seen before just played songs like Wonderful World, Fools Rush In, and Somewhere Over the Rainbow, so it was actually nice). We then walked around window shopping because all the shops were closed and got ice cream at Kilwins. I love Franklin!

And now, it's July 4th - my favorite holiday! After Christmas but tied with Thanksgiving. ;) I hope everyone has been having an amazing summer!

on my heart

my sunshine

I'm not going to have very many completed thoughts in this particular blog post. I'm not going to have answers to questions or a conclusive ending. All I have is a jumbled mix of thoughts and emotions that have been heavy on my heart lately.

Why?

Why does it seem that those who seek God the hardest and want to serve Him the most seem to struggle more than average? Why?

Why does an irresponsible teenager get to have a baby, whom God allows her to abort, and the couple who serves Him wholeheartedly and only wants to raise a family for His glory has an empty home?

Why does He give us enough confidence to go forward with something, and then later show us another path? Change directions, take a new road, and somehow it feels like reverse but we're asked to follow Him into the thick darkness.

I know He never promised growth without growing pains, but it sure would help to see the areas we're growing in. It would definitely help if He would silence the never ending doubts and questions that plague our hearts and minds.

It would help if He would just sit here beside me and hold my hand, mend my bruised and hurting heart, and let His peace and confidence seep into my soul and never, ever leave.

I know that in the very center of God's will there is joy unspeakable. I know there is assurance and confidence. I know there is security and peace beyond measure. That doesn't mean bad things don't happen, it just means that when they do, you know the Lord allowed them to happen in order to show you something.

I feel that right now. The assurance that I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, with the people in my life that need to be in it.

And yet, doubts do creep in. When I wonder what my future might hold anxiety steals my peace and impatience mixed with the fear of change makes me weary. I am so content at this very moment, but somehow, for some reason, there is a sense of restlessness way down deep inside my heart and I don't know who it came from - God, trying to tell me to make a change, or the devil, trying to make me question what I already know God has shown me. How can I tell?

And comfort comes when I realize it's ok to ask Him. It's ok to wonder why. It's an age old question, a timeless wondering, and no one has the answer. But did you know, that when Jesus became separated from His Father, when God turned His back on His only begotten Son and became only His God, the first question our Savior asked was "Why?" My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? He is that personal. He is that close. He understands it all - and He understands it firsthand. The questions, the hurt, the confusion. And He is here. He is close.

I am in a season of growth in my life. It hasn't been easy, I've asked a lot of questions and I've even been frustrated at my God. All unnecessarily but when I got down to it, when I became raw and honest with Him and just let it all come out, I felt Him moving. I have a tendency to apologize whenever I feel like I'm beginning to sound "spiritual" because I'm very far from it, but I just can't help it right now. I am changing, I am growing, and as much as I've hated the process, I am thankful for His guiding. I am not a morning person, but sitting up in my bed these days, praying over my Bible before I crack it open and asking begging for a verse, a light, I have been given little nuggets. Not a laser beam that points at what to do, but little whispers of comfort, little breaths of peace.

You are ok. You have done and are doing the right thing. Let go of the mistakes, let go of the past and any questions you might have. I am here. I always will be. Lay your burdens down.

So I don't ask the questions about my future. Honestly, I try not to even think about it much. I dream about a house I might like to build with my brother's help someday, I plan our fourth of July celebration and I count down the days until Faith gets back from PNG and Kaitlyn has little baby Klay. Those things make me happy. Dreams, plans, celebrations. As for the rest of it, that's for God to know and me to find out. I just live life day by day. ...and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure gives unto each day what He deems best. Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest.

It's a fight, this Christian life. Against the world, the flesh, and the devil, but never against Jesus. I've been fighting, and I've grown weary. Burdens that weren't mine to carry weighed me down and I struggled what seemed endlessly with my emotions, my doubts, and my questions. And as I opened my heart for God to change it, verses started popping up. I have reminders taped to my wall now, and my Bible has become more and more marked as it becomes more and more personal. For me. Why should I ask God for His audible direction when He's already spoken and the words have been preserved for generations? He's fighting FOR me, I just have to hold on to the peace and not let anyone steal it away.

Exodus 14:14 - a verse for me!

And with peace comes happiness. It may not be bubbly and exciting and look like people want it to look, but it is joy that's rooted deep. It's true that good feelings don't always come in the same envelope as the right answer, but sooner or later, hope springs forth and with it the light of happiness. Sometimes happiness is a choice, and sometimes you're just so content that you can't help but be happy. Happiness lurks, I think. Waiting for you to shoo away the gloomy clouds so it can shine on you again. :)

I've been silent on this blog because I wasn't sure what to say. My life has been different for awhile, and I am different now. But in better ways, I think. I hope this blog post wasn't too boring or confusing, but I needed to write it, and I needed to put it all out there. If I can help just one person with some of the same questions, opening myself up to criticism is absolutely worth it.

We are not consumed, His mercies are new every morning. Hold your peace, He understands and He's working on His plan whether we can see it and understand it or not.

Consideration for the question "Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?" Why would good things happen to any of us? Do I really think I deserve better in this life? I haven't earned any of it, so what grounds do I have to question the hard things when I so often forget to question how He's given me so much good? 

NEXT ON THE BLOG: Summer activity photos and updates! VBS, "Silly Supper", Youth Camp, an early morning hike with some friends, and girls night out.

A walk to the lake - a 5 or 6 year running Youth Camp tradition with the best friends on earth.