on my heart

my sunshine

I'm not going to have very many completed thoughts in this particular blog post. I'm not going to have answers to questions or a conclusive ending. All I have is a jumbled mix of thoughts and emotions that have been heavy on my heart lately.

Why?

Why does it seem that those who seek God the hardest and want to serve Him the most seem to struggle more than average? Why?

Why does an irresponsible teenager get to have a baby, whom God allows her to abort, and the couple who serves Him wholeheartedly and only wants to raise a family for His glory has an empty home?

Why does He give us enough confidence to go forward with something, and then later show us another path? Change directions, take a new road, and somehow it feels like reverse but we're asked to follow Him into the thick darkness.

I know He never promised growth without growing pains, but it sure would help to see the areas we're growing in. It would definitely help if He would silence the never ending doubts and questions that plague our hearts and minds.

It would help if He would just sit here beside me and hold my hand, mend my bruised and hurting heart, and let His peace and confidence seep into my soul and never, ever leave.

I know that in the very center of God's will there is joy unspeakable. I know there is assurance and confidence. I know there is security and peace beyond measure. That doesn't mean bad things don't happen, it just means that when they do, you know the Lord allowed them to happen in order to show you something.

I feel that right now. The assurance that I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, with the people in my life that need to be in it.

And yet, doubts do creep in. When I wonder what my future might hold anxiety steals my peace and impatience mixed with the fear of change makes me weary. I am so content at this very moment, but somehow, for some reason, there is a sense of restlessness way down deep inside my heart and I don't know who it came from - God, trying to tell me to make a change, or the devil, trying to make me question what I already know God has shown me. How can I tell?

And comfort comes when I realize it's ok to ask Him. It's ok to wonder why. It's an age old question, a timeless wondering, and no one has the answer. But did you know, that when Jesus became separated from His Father, when God turned His back on His only begotten Son and became only His God, the first question our Savior asked was "Why?" My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? He is that personal. He is that close. He understands it all - and He understands it firsthand. The questions, the hurt, the confusion. And He is here. He is close.

I am in a season of growth in my life. It hasn't been easy, I've asked a lot of questions and I've even been frustrated at my God. All unnecessarily but when I got down to it, when I became raw and honest with Him and just let it all come out, I felt Him moving. I have a tendency to apologize whenever I feel like I'm beginning to sound "spiritual" because I'm very far from it, but I just can't help it right now. I am changing, I am growing, and as much as I've hated the process, I am thankful for His guiding. I am not a morning person, but sitting up in my bed these days, praying over my Bible before I crack it open and asking begging for a verse, a light, I have been given little nuggets. Not a laser beam that points at what to do, but little whispers of comfort, little breaths of peace.

You are ok. You have done and are doing the right thing. Let go of the mistakes, let go of the past and any questions you might have. I am here. I always will be. Lay your burdens down.

So I don't ask the questions about my future. Honestly, I try not to even think about it much. I dream about a house I might like to build with my brother's help someday, I plan our fourth of July celebration and I count down the days until Faith gets back from PNG and Kaitlyn has little baby Klay. Those things make me happy. Dreams, plans, celebrations. As for the rest of it, that's for God to know and me to find out. I just live life day by day. ...and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure gives unto each day what He deems best. Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest.

It's a fight, this Christian life. Against the world, the flesh, and the devil, but never against Jesus. I've been fighting, and I've grown weary. Burdens that weren't mine to carry weighed me down and I struggled what seemed endlessly with my emotions, my doubts, and my questions. And as I opened my heart for God to change it, verses started popping up. I have reminders taped to my wall now, and my Bible has become more and more marked as it becomes more and more personal. For me. Why should I ask God for His audible direction when He's already spoken and the words have been preserved for generations? He's fighting FOR me, I just have to hold on to the peace and not let anyone steal it away.

Exodus 14:14 - a verse for me!

And with peace comes happiness. It may not be bubbly and exciting and look like people want it to look, but it is joy that's rooted deep. It's true that good feelings don't always come in the same envelope as the right answer, but sooner or later, hope springs forth and with it the light of happiness. Sometimes happiness is a choice, and sometimes you're just so content that you can't help but be happy. Happiness lurks, I think. Waiting for you to shoo away the gloomy clouds so it can shine on you again. :)

I've been silent on this blog because I wasn't sure what to say. My life has been different for awhile, and I am different now. But in better ways, I think. I hope this blog post wasn't too boring or confusing, but I needed to write it, and I needed to put it all out there. If I can help just one person with some of the same questions, opening myself up to criticism is absolutely worth it.

We are not consumed, His mercies are new every morning. Hold your peace, He understands and He's working on His plan whether we can see it and understand it or not.

Consideration for the question "Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?" Why would good things happen to any of us? Do I really think I deserve better in this life? I haven't earned any of it, so what grounds do I have to question the hard things when I so often forget to question how He's given me so much good? 

NEXT ON THE BLOG: Summer activity photos and updates! VBS, "Silly Supper", Youth Camp, an early morning hike with some friends, and girls night out.

A walk to the lake - a 5 or 6 year running Youth Camp tradition with the best friends on earth.