full of weakness

My next door neighbor passed away yesterday. He was only 40 years old, he had a massive heart attack, and it was very, very unexpected.

Today as I sat on our porch reading I watched them dig his grave in the cemetery next to our house.

How quickly everything can change.

I've lived here all of my life, and his family has been the farmers next door for just as long. He helped us with our cows when we needed it, he cut our other neighbors' hay every year. Though I didn't know him well, he always seemed jovial, friendly, and ready to lend a hand.

As my brother and the rest of the community has mentioned, it's so hard to believe and reconcile that he's gone now. Just like that. He'll no longer be driving his tractor past our homes and waving to us.

I kept waking up last night with this burden and so many others pressing down on me. Sometimes we beg God. Sometimes it's the only way we know how to pray. I know God didn't make this tragedy happen, He simply allowed it. As in my post a month or so ago, we cannot answer the "why's", we can only hope that He will help us make sense of it all someday.

"I know the Lord will bring all of this to a conclusion that pleases Him, and I trust Him."

Trust is simple. Waiting is simple. Ah, but they're not easy. Tonight I put my book aside and simply swang gently while I watched the sun set. In the beauty and quiet of the evening I couldn't stop the emotions. Oh Lord, the world is so heavy. I have so many questions, so many doubts, and there is so much hurt in the world. I have an entire list of people dying or who have already passed away. For every miracle you give us it seems like there are two heart breaks. Oh Lord, please help us.

Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth. | Hosea 6:3

Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate? He can show us His will like a strike of lightening, or He can come to us as rain. The God whom I begged to descend like a cloud of comfort on my neighbor's family is the same God who whispers peace to my troubled and anxious spirit. The God who protects my dad in his travels is the same one who directs the paths of missionaries overseas. No matter how much, often, or far away He's needed, He's never stretched thin. A simple principle, I know, but a reminder than I need more than I want to admit.

We are so full of weakness, I more than ever. But somehow, through my weakness, I've found a strength I didn't even know I possessed. It's found in His joy. You see, I have none on my own, even in the simplest pleasures of my life, it's all from Him. The more I work on our relationship, the more I choose Him over the other loves in my life, the more I find that just when I need it, the strength for another moment is there.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Maybe as a plea for prayer, maybe to let anyone who needed to read it know that if you struggle with anxiety, if you're enduring a hard time, you aren't alone. All of us have our own battles, unique to us but not to God. I pray that each of you go to Him for your strength, and that you find it through His joy.