leaving it

 "Lord...I don't even know how to pray for this. I don't know what to ask, I don't know what to offer. Lord...Lord..."

Pauses. Silence. Broken prayers.

Have you ever been here? You go to pray, you have a designated time, spot, and miraculously it works out that you are alone in the quiet with the Lord. The time you've been waiting for. You get on your knees, still your heart, and...

"Lord..."

Quiet. For the next several moments you listen to your breathing, your heartbeat.

And so many times, words escape you. You have prayed the same prayers over and over until you feel like a broken record. The repetition of your pleas have become monotonous, and honestly, you're just tired of praying for them.

"I know you hear me, Lord. I know you're here."

More silence as you struggle to express the things in your heart that don't want to be described with words.

"Let me make a difference. Don't let this be in vain. Show me what to do. Let my voice be heard."

As I pray for America, I find that I don't know what to say.

"Show mercy, continue to give us grace. Turn the hearts of the leaders to you. Protect my country. Show mercy..."

Over. And over. And over again.

So lately, I've been silent. I've stopped letting words just spill out and I've given them some thought.

"Right now, the voices of the wicked are so loud. They fill the news and make me feel small, weak, and terrified. Let Christians regain their voice. Give us the courage to stand and fight for what's right. The wicked have drowned us out for far to long. Fill us with boldness for you. Fill us with courage, strengthen our voices and our stand. Let us be heard."

I may only pray for 15 minutes. But I will sit in silence for many more than that. I want Him to know that when I stand and go my way, I have left it all in His hands. I gather all the worries and fears and doubts and insecurities in a nice little package and I leave it there before Him.

Sometimes I go and pick a few things back up, but every day, I will gather it again, lay it down, and turn my back.

I will continuously beg for mercy. I will not stop asking for another chance. I will beseech on behalf of my nation.

And then I will leave it with Him.