change

It's fall, y'all! Actually, it's been fall for nearly a week, but this is my first chance to sit and write about it.

Actually, no, that's not true. I've had many chances, but I made gingersnaps with pumpkin dip one day, and then another day it was chocolate chip cookies for a church picnic. On my day off I went shopping for an upcoming trip, got a whole lot of hair chopped off, and celebrated with a PSL! (pumpkin spice latte...except in frappucino form because it's like sipping on pumpkin pie.) 

Usually I'm reluctant to welcome Fall because I am not a cold weather girl and Fall is the doorway to Winter. However, I've been craving change for some time now and the crisp mornings and cozy evenings are exactly what my soul's been needing. I'm even looking forward to a cold Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. A new year with new motivation and new chances. Ah, yes, I'm ready for change. Funny how a difficult season can make something you don't normally appreciate so very attractive. I feel like I'm running towards Fall with my arms wide open. Let me forget Summer for a moment and relish in the smells and sensations that are Autumn.

Change is such a funny thing. Some changes we wholeheartedly embrace, welcoming them with every fiber of our being. Some however, even when they are good and the best choice, rip our hearts out in the process. I was reminded of this the other day when one of my older neighbors asked us to help her move. She has made this choice for herself, and in many ways she's excited about it. She will be so relived once she's taken the final step, but regardless of all of that, her eyes pooled up as the rest of her face smiled. Change is difficult no matter how old you are.

72 hours later...

I quit writing 3 days ago because something came up and I closed my folder and it slipped quietly out of my mind. Today, however, I was suddenly bombarded all at once with people emailing, texting, and even telling me in person that it was time for another post. I don't feel like it today. The words I want to write are spilling down my cheeks because they won't form. They are an emotion I cannot describe, cannot pinpoint, do not understand. An emotion I had forbidden, had restrained, but is sometimes stronger than I am.

This changes the entire tone of this post. It started out as a crisp fall morning with a refreshing scent and delicious feel. Now the shadows have lengthened, it's gotten a little musty, and has a slightly bitter aftertaste. I really didn't want to change direction. Change...

I titled this post before I wrote the first word. Before inspiration struck, I had change on my mind. And this is how change works. One morning we've finally let go of those worries and doubts and cares. A few days later we find we've picked them back up and then some.

"Change" has many shapes and forms, can be big or small, can rearrange our lives or simply our minds. We never welcome it exactly the same. Sometimes we're ready, but often we're not.

Ah, friends, I'm laying it back down. I've stopped asking God for help with some things, I've started just giving them to Him. I like to grab them back a lot, I'm selfish and I'm always trying to fix everything, even the things I can't. He is so, so real. You know this, I know this, but we don't always live like it. Sometimes I can't get my prayers past my lips, sometimes He's right beside me, understanding before I've even formed my thought. We should only crave the change He requires. Surrender is so very hard because I don't know where it will lead, but I'm ready to hand it all over.

Have you reached this point with me? You probably reached it long before me. It's taking me a long time, and I have to go one day at a time, slowly changing my mindset, my actions, my heart. It's a painful process, but when I can look back and see the hard choices I've made and His blessings upon them, I'm willing to make more change.

It is time to see how beautiful dead things can be. I refuse to resurrect the old man or to "dig up in doubt what I planted in faith."

things i love thursday

Happy September 1! For some reason, this month feels like a chance at a fresh start. A clean slate, and an opportunity to change perspective, choose joy, and start the change of the seasons on a more positive note. There will still be more serious-toned posts peppered throughout this blog, probably even this month. I haven't arrived at the end of the rainbow yet, I'm just learning more about the journey to get there, and the growth along the way.

Since the first day of this month is on a Thursday, and since there's a feeling of excitement in the air due to our church's 25th anniversary celebration next week, I decided to throw it back to Things I Love Thursday because it's been a good week, friends, and I want to hold on to those happy vibes and give credit to the little things that have made it that way. (side note - that was an incredibly long sentence)

Reading. 
You know that moment when you get together with someone you haven't seen or talked to in ages and at first it's slow going but after awhile you start thinking, "Wow, why don't I talk to them all the time? This is amazing!" That's how I've been with books lately. Somehow I've scheduled my days in a way that I've found more free time in the afternoons, and in this nice mid 80's-low 90's weather, I could sit on the porch with a book for hours at a time. 
"I don't always find time to read, but when I do, I spend the next seven hours of my life doing just that."

Sunshine.
I thought they were calling for rain, but there's barely been a cloud in the sky this week. The kids came over the other day and we swam for a couple of hours. Squeals and giggles and water up noses...it was an adventure, and it was wonderful. Afterwards we took a drive with the windows down and listened to Lena Rae chatter for 30 minutes. Summer is glorious, and we're in the days where the only way I know how to describe what we're doing is savoring it. Fall is right around the corner, so each of these hot, sunny days is spent trying to wring every last drop of "summer" out of them.


Reminiscing.
"Do you remember when..." "There was this one time..." and an hour later our bellies hurt from laughing, or our throats are sore from trying not to cry. My church will celebrate 25 years this coming week, and as we go through old pictures and listen to old songs, it's impossible not to miss those that are gone, and a time when we were a very small group of people, each one of us members of a family. It's grown a lot over the years, but it still feels like a family, our lives revolve around church and church events for the most part, and it just feels right to celebrate our beginning.

ice cream cones after church - me and Amie with a couple of our friends

baby kisses | warm breezes | ice cold soft drinks (because who drinks those in the winter?) |  buying luggage and purses, booking flights and hotel rooms (hmm...) | grilling | packages in the mail | windows down | secrets and surprises | Lena Rae saying "anybody is mine friend!" | baby showers | staying in touch with my friends who've moved away (we even enjoy group texting each other ;) ) | heart to heart conversation | Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, my favorite poet

baby Klay's book baby shower a few weeks ago

 And forever and forever,

   As long as the river flows,

As long as the heart has passions,

   As long as life has woes;

The moon and its broken reflection

   And its shadows shall appear,

As the symbol of love in heaven,

   And its wavering image here. 

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(The ending of "The Bridge")

full of weakness

My next door neighbor passed away yesterday. He was only 40 years old, he had a massive heart attack, and it was very, very unexpected.

Today as I sat on our porch reading I watched them dig his grave in the cemetery next to our house.

How quickly everything can change.

I've lived here all of my life, and his family has been the farmers next door for just as long. He helped us with our cows when we needed it, he cut our other neighbors' hay every year. Though I didn't know him well, he always seemed jovial, friendly, and ready to lend a hand.

As my brother and the rest of the community has mentioned, it's so hard to believe and reconcile that he's gone now. Just like that. He'll no longer be driving his tractor past our homes and waving to us.

I kept waking up last night with this burden and so many others pressing down on me. Sometimes we beg God. Sometimes it's the only way we know how to pray. I know God didn't make this tragedy happen, He simply allowed it. As in my post a month or so ago, we cannot answer the "why's", we can only hope that He will help us make sense of it all someday.

"I know the Lord will bring all of this to a conclusion that pleases Him, and I trust Him."

Trust is simple. Waiting is simple. Ah, but they're not easy. Tonight I put my book aside and simply swang gently while I watched the sun set. In the beauty and quiet of the evening I couldn't stop the emotions. Oh Lord, the world is so heavy. I have so many questions, so many doubts, and there is so much hurt in the world. I have an entire list of people dying or who have already passed away. For every miracle you give us it seems like there are two heart breaks. Oh Lord, please help us.

Then shall we know, if we follow on to know the Lord: his going forth is prepared as the morning; and he shall come unto us as the rain, as the latter and former rain unto the earth. | Hosea 6:3

Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate? He can show us His will like a strike of lightening, or He can come to us as rain. The God whom I begged to descend like a cloud of comfort on my neighbor's family is the same God who whispers peace to my troubled and anxious spirit. The God who protects my dad in his travels is the same one who directs the paths of missionaries overseas. No matter how much, often, or far away He's needed, He's never stretched thin. A simple principle, I know, but a reminder than I need more than I want to admit.

We are so full of weakness, I more than ever. But somehow, through my weakness, I've found a strength I didn't even know I possessed. It's found in His joy. You see, I have none on my own, even in the simplest pleasures of my life, it's all from Him. The more I work on our relationship, the more I choose Him over the other loves in my life, the more I find that just when I need it, the strength for another moment is there.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Maybe as a plea for prayer, maybe to let anyone who needed to read it know that if you struggle with anxiety, if you're enduring a hard time, you aren't alone. All of us have our own battles, unique to us but not to God. I pray that each of you go to Him for your strength, and that you find it through His joy.

summer photos

I could ramble on and on about VBS, Jr. Camp, Youth Camp, and all of the in between planning that goes into each event, but instead, I'll just share a few pictures.

VBS and Jr. Camp happen in the same week - and let me tell you, there is no tired like Friday afternoon of that week tired. It's so fun, though! I got to travel around with the 2 and 3 year olds again this year, and they're so sweet. It's all new and exciting to them, and as Lena Rae called it, "ABCD" is a very grown up experience to these little people. (Once Lena finally remembered the correct letters were VBS, she pronounced it as "b-b-ee-us")

Many parents don't want pictures of their children online, so here are just a few of the pictures I have where none of their faces are visible.

The parachute is THE. FUNNEST. GAME. (or so I've been told)

The Jr. Campers put on a skit for the kids at VBS on the Prodigal Son. This was the riotous living. ;)

Lena Rae was very willing to put on the outfit when we "visited Mexico". 

VBS starts at 9am - by 11:30, Duck Duck Goose is way too demanding.

Silly Supper

Kaitlyn and I decided that the kids needed to experience a Silly Supper like we did "back in the day"

Silly Supper explanation: We came up with a menu, and then assigned each item gross, silly descriptions - such as Shredded Stock (roast beef), Swarm of Lice (lima beans), and Swine Husks (corn on the cob), just to name a few. We told the kids to dress up for a "nice dinner" and then each of our waiters (teens and young adults) dressed up in ridiculous outfits, us females wore pigtails or whatever other unusual thing we could do with our hair (see above picture - this was after supper so we're a little disheveled), and acted proper while seating them, watching them stress over their very strange menus while taking orders, and then serving them their Scorch (brownies) or Sweet Disappointment (lemonade). It's a lot of fun and the kids had a blast!

After that week was over, we had Saturday and Sunday to clean up, do laundry, regroup, and pack  rest before heading out to Youth Camp on Monday. Youth Camp this year was incredible. I once again had the 13 year old girls in my room and we had a lot of fun. Our camp is entirely tech free so there were no phones, iPods, cameras (expect for the designated photographers), or anything like that all week. I had my phone because I was a counselor, but I only took this one picture on the last afternoon. I kept mine off and away like everyone else and it allowed for a clear mind and better ability to focus on what God wanted to do. I believe it was one of our best camps yet.

We've had three weeks free, and it's been wonderful! One week from today Music School begins, and even though that's a little overwhelming, having these weeks to just rest and have fun has really helped. We've kept ourselves busy, but it's been a good busy.

One early Saturday morning Amie and I took a hike with a couple of our friends at a lake nearby. I thought it was going to be a stroll by the lake. Nope. It was a hike. We had 6 miles in by 8:30am though, so it was a lot of fun and by the time we finished it was up to 85 degrees so we beat most of the heat!

We finally had another girls' night after about a year. We realized the last time we did this was when Lena Rae was just a few months old, and now that Tara's back in Tennessee we should do it more often.

We ate at Puckett's in downtown Franklin and had dishes like chicken and waffles, shrimp and grits, and mac-n-cheese BBQ. I highly recommend this restaurant! It was really small, was also a grocery store, and had live music (we weren't sure about that at first, but the man playing an instrument I've never seen before just played songs like Wonderful World, Fools Rush In, and Somewhere Over the Rainbow, so it was actually nice). We then walked around window shopping because all the shops were closed and got ice cream at Kilwins. I love Franklin!

And now, it's July 4th - my favorite holiday! After Christmas but tied with Thanksgiving. ;) I hope everyone has been having an amazing summer!

on my heart

my sunshine

I'm not going to have very many completed thoughts in this particular blog post. I'm not going to have answers to questions or a conclusive ending. All I have is a jumbled mix of thoughts and emotions that have been heavy on my heart lately.

Why?

Why does it seem that those who seek God the hardest and want to serve Him the most seem to struggle more than average? Why?

Why does an irresponsible teenager get to have a baby, whom God allows her to abort, and the couple who serves Him wholeheartedly and only wants to raise a family for His glory has an empty home?

Why does He give us enough confidence to go forward with something, and then later show us another path? Change directions, take a new road, and somehow it feels like reverse but we're asked to follow Him into the thick darkness.

I know He never promised growth without growing pains, but it sure would help to see the areas we're growing in. It would definitely help if He would silence the never ending doubts and questions that plague our hearts and minds.

It would help if He would just sit here beside me and hold my hand, mend my bruised and hurting heart, and let His peace and confidence seep into my soul and never, ever leave.

I know that in the very center of God's will there is joy unspeakable. I know there is assurance and confidence. I know there is security and peace beyond measure. That doesn't mean bad things don't happen, it just means that when they do, you know the Lord allowed them to happen in order to show you something.

I feel that right now. The assurance that I'm exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to do, with the people in my life that need to be in it.

And yet, doubts do creep in. When I wonder what my future might hold anxiety steals my peace and impatience mixed with the fear of change makes me weary. I am so content at this very moment, but somehow, for some reason, there is a sense of restlessness way down deep inside my heart and I don't know who it came from - God, trying to tell me to make a change, or the devil, trying to make me question what I already know God has shown me. How can I tell?

And comfort comes when I realize it's ok to ask Him. It's ok to wonder why. It's an age old question, a timeless wondering, and no one has the answer. But did you know, that when Jesus became separated from His Father, when God turned His back on His only begotten Son and became only His God, the first question our Savior asked was "Why?" My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? He is that personal. He is that close. He understands it all - and He understands it firsthand. The questions, the hurt, the confusion. And He is here. He is close.

I am in a season of growth in my life. It hasn't been easy, I've asked a lot of questions and I've even been frustrated at my God. All unnecessarily but when I got down to it, when I became raw and honest with Him and just let it all come out, I felt Him moving. I have a tendency to apologize whenever I feel like I'm beginning to sound "spiritual" because I'm very far from it, but I just can't help it right now. I am changing, I am growing, and as much as I've hated the process, I am thankful for His guiding. I am not a morning person, but sitting up in my bed these days, praying over my Bible before I crack it open and asking begging for a verse, a light, I have been given little nuggets. Not a laser beam that points at what to do, but little whispers of comfort, little breaths of peace.

You are ok. You have done and are doing the right thing. Let go of the mistakes, let go of the past and any questions you might have. I am here. I always will be. Lay your burdens down.

So I don't ask the questions about my future. Honestly, I try not to even think about it much. I dream about a house I might like to build with my brother's help someday, I plan our fourth of July celebration and I count down the days until Faith gets back from PNG and Kaitlyn has little baby Klay. Those things make me happy. Dreams, plans, celebrations. As for the rest of it, that's for God to know and me to find out. I just live life day by day. ...and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry or for fear. He whose heart is kind beyond all measure gives unto each day what He deems best. Lovingly, it's part of pain and pleasure, mingling toil with peace and rest.

It's a fight, this Christian life. Against the world, the flesh, and the devil, but never against Jesus. I've been fighting, and I've grown weary. Burdens that weren't mine to carry weighed me down and I struggled what seemed endlessly with my emotions, my doubts, and my questions. And as I opened my heart for God to change it, verses started popping up. I have reminders taped to my wall now, and my Bible has become more and more marked as it becomes more and more personal. For me. Why should I ask God for His audible direction when He's already spoken and the words have been preserved for generations? He's fighting FOR me, I just have to hold on to the peace and not let anyone steal it away.

Exodus 14:14 - a verse for me!

And with peace comes happiness. It may not be bubbly and exciting and look like people want it to look, but it is joy that's rooted deep. It's true that good feelings don't always come in the same envelope as the right answer, but sooner or later, hope springs forth and with it the light of happiness. Sometimes happiness is a choice, and sometimes you're just so content that you can't help but be happy. Happiness lurks, I think. Waiting for you to shoo away the gloomy clouds so it can shine on you again. :)

I've been silent on this blog because I wasn't sure what to say. My life has been different for awhile, and I am different now. But in better ways, I think. I hope this blog post wasn't too boring or confusing, but I needed to write it, and I needed to put it all out there. If I can help just one person with some of the same questions, opening myself up to criticism is absolutely worth it.

We are not consumed, His mercies are new every morning. Hold your peace, He understands and He's working on His plan whether we can see it and understand it or not.

Consideration for the question "Why do good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people?" Why would good things happen to any of us? Do I really think I deserve better in this life? I haven't earned any of it, so what grounds do I have to question the hard things when I so often forget to question how He's given me so much good? 

NEXT ON THE BLOG: Summer activity photos and updates! VBS, "Silly Supper", Youth Camp, an early morning hike with some friends, and girls night out.

A walk to the lake - a 5 or 6 year running Youth Camp tradition with the best friends on earth.

picture post | partial update

In my last post, I mentioned that I wanted to write before I "got bogged down in life changes". I hate neglecting this blog because I know what it's like to want to keep up with someone and go for a few months without hearing anything, and truly, I do love blogging. However, I have been a bit consumed with life changes, so I hope you'll understand. Maybe in a few weeks I'll be able to share some of those changes, but for now, please just keep me in your prayers and enjoy a few pictures. :)

In February, we took a quick family weekend trip to the Smokey Mountains. Our favorite things in Pigeon Forge include The Old Mill Restaurant, the Dixie Stampede, and the newest one - The Alpine Coaster.

On March 5, 2016, my fellow "single friend" married the one whom her soul loves. It was a beautiful, touching ceremony, and the bride and groom were the calmest bride and groom I've ever seen. I hope my wedding one day will be half as God honoring as theirs was, and it's been such a blessing to see them serve the Lord together.

Now, just a couple of snapshots...

just an update!

After (how long has it been?) since a blog post, I've decided there's no real cure for writer's block. No matter how badly I want to write, no matter how hard I search for inspiration, the fact is I've got 3 articles started, none finished. Maybe soon!

For now, here's a quick picture post so you know what's been going on around here! With my best friend getting married and moving away soon, my sister graduating college in May, and so many other things looming ahead, I thought it'd be best to get an update on here before I get bogged down in life changes. Here we go!

Lena Rae turned 2 on January 21st. Have I mentioned how precious this little girl is to our family? I was sixteen when Jace was born, and for the past 7 years these kids have been my life. I love being an aunt more than I've ever loved anything, and Lena Rae has made it even sweeter with all her girly-ness. 

I also just so happen to have the world's best grandparents! For my Grandma's 80th birthday everyone got together at our house to celebrate. All 17 grandkids were able to make it as well as the 7 great grandkids. All of my grandparent's children were there with their spouses, and it was a really special night.

WE GOT SNOW! About 6 inches of it! It was so much fun, regardless of the fact that we were pretty much shut in for the weekend (which wouldn't have been a bad thing, but it was wedding shower weekend). This picture is of some of our church members/neighbors. I love living in this small town with these people and their off road vehicles!

I got to help with the bridal shower for the third one of my friends to get married. Faith will marry Vance in less than two weeks!

Kaitlyn, Faith, and I took a short girl's weekend to spend some time together before the wedding, and we couldn't have asked for it to turn out better. We were able to stay at Opryland Hotel by using my Sunday School teacher's employee discount, and because of a pizza mishap got free frozen yogurt, which caused us to be delayed long enough to see the the fountain light show at eye (balcony) level while we ate! We waited in line for about 20 minutes just to get inside the Pancake Pantry (the line was backed up to the street!) the next morning and it was so worth it! I'm so glad to have these memories for when our lives all take different paths.

I celebrated Valentine's Day with my parents, my sister, and all five of my sweethearts. We made lasagna together, had doughnuts for dessert, and watched a new movie after bath time and pajamas. They got to spend the night, and once again, being an aunt is my favorite thing!

Christine and I went shopping a few days ago and took Lena Rae with us for some fun girl time. She definitely had fun, but didn't make it five minutes at the last stop before falling asleep in the buggy! By the time we made it back to my car, she was snoring on my shoulder.

This is our "Sibling Octet". We've all been friends since birth, sang together for years, and decided to actually form a group and learn songs together last summer... but life happens and we learned two  songs and now one of our members is moving. This picture was taken after our last practice Sunday morning before we sang for the last time before the wedding. We are four sets of siblings - Amie and I (blondes on the ends), Faith and Grace (brunettes in the middle), James and Paul (orange shirt and gray shirt/black tie) and Connor and Collin (blue tie and red tie). Anyway, now you know who we are, but I love this picture and I love this group.

...and that's all for now! I can't believe February is at an end, but Spring usually begins in March around here, and I am so ready for some warm, sunshiny days. I hope you've all had a wonderful couple of months, hopefully I'll be more frequent on here from now on!