May 20, 2014

Not My Will

Written on Valentine's Day, but for some reason never posted. Oops!

Not my will, but yours be done, God.

Oh, the terrible fear that sometimes enters my heart when I release those words.

Did you know, it is not my will to be single this Valentine's Day? Did you know I almost broke down in WalMart today when I walked past the roses and balloons? I'm sure you could have guessed. It's not hard to imagine on this day, of all days.

This is not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

There are so many, many people - girls and guys - in the same place I am. Waiting and wondering if their dreams will ever become a reality, or if they're meant to simply be dreams, blowing away on the winds on time.

When will God's will miraculously morph into my will? When will I stop being selfish and give myself entirely to Him once and for all instead of having to do it multiple times throughout the day? When will I be ok with the fact that for 3 years running my life has looked exactly the same?

This is not my will! Yours be done, God.

What if His will is for me to be 45 years old, living in my parents' home, babysitting my nieces and nephews, and being the secretary at church?

That would not be my will. But if it's yours, Jesus, then let it be done. 

...and really, in the midst of His sovereign grace and goodness, would be be so bad?

I'll be honest with you, I don't want to be single anymore. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'm ok with it, as long as I can do some interesting things during this season of my life. Things like go on Missions Trips, travel to fun places... I'm not too picky.

It's the timeless fight against the old man.

I want change!
Be still.
I'm tired of everything being the same!
Be still.

Not my will? Right. Yours, Lord. Your will be done.

Gently, He shows me His patience with me. In those quiet moments when I get to be alone, just reading or thinking or writing. Those moments that I won't always have once I'm not single, moments to myself that are precious gifts to remind me that there is great contentment in the solitary.  And I realize I love these moments, and one day it will be hard for me to give them up...yes, it's been this way for going on three years, but I have come to love parts of this single life so much. Gentle reminders.

The hard moments are when I go to a wedding or a baby shower and then I leave and I come home and I sit alone in my room feeling jealous. In those moments, my life - and even my attitude -  is not my will.

And that's when He lets me daydream. Planning my own home in my mind. Naming children I dream up in the nurture-bent heart that He's given me.

I am not alone in this battle. Whatever plans you have for yourself - whether God-honoring or not - when they aren't coming to pass, it's hard to let them go. We feel like we have to negotiate with God, "Lord, I would honor you in my marriage, you know I would!" "God, I would raise my children to praise and love you, haven't I proven that to you?" Whatever you're waiting on, there must be a purpose behind the trial, a reason behind the tears. It's hard to remind ourselves of this and it gets old and tiresome, but it's not our will that matters. "Lord, it's your will that matters the most."

I don't know why it's so hard to wait. I don't know why God does the things He does or chooses the timing He chooses.

Some people say when you get to the point where you love God enough, He'll allow whatever you've been so desperately praying for to happen. But we can never love God enough. We can only strive to please Him and work to love Him more each day.

That's my biggest goal for 2014, and I thought it appropriate to share on Valentine's Day.

Release my will, and accept His with open arms. His is so much safer, and all of us can rest and accept whatever it is as long as we have His comforting security.

So as I sit here, alone, 21, single....on Valentine's Day. Again.

It's not my will. Jesus, it's yours.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

As long as I am happy serving Him, He will change my desires to match His, and I will be happier in His will that I could ever be in my own...and this is when His will morphs into mine!


  1. Amen. You are so right, Kelly. You're so sweet. Thanks for writing.

  2. A great post. And yes, I remember that pain, especially when I came to TN over Christmas break, and my sister was getting engaged! I went back to college all broken up. I was almost 23. It is hard to wait, but you are right. The times I miss most now that I am so busy as mother are those times in PNG when I could get totally alone by myself under a tree in my hiding place in the garden and just talk with God uninterrupted and pour out my heart and read the Bible uninterrupted and hear Him speak to my heart without "noise" all around and memorize passage after passage of Scripture. It goes in so much better when there are no distractions! Not complaining because I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything, but use that time now to draw ever closer to Him. It's that relationship with Him that will see you through in tough times.

  3. Kelley…beautifully written! Oh I know your thoughts, your emotions, your feelings and feelings of not wanting to feel the way you do. If there is one thing I can say…Keep serving the Lord…keep trusting him. Waiting on God is NOT easy…I tell girls this all of the time…I dont want to lie about it…but it's so worth it. I hated hearing that when I was on the other side…getting married at 30 was NOT my plan or desire. I can say looking back God has made it such a sweet journey and I wouldn't trade being single for anything. Even though I had struggled with being single most everyday and had to fight the thoughts that raced through my head- so God do I not love you enough? I think at the same time as you said we will never Love God enough…I think sometimes that can be the enemy defeating us from our relationship with the Lord. On days I wanted to give up- God would gently say- Why would I have brought you this far to leave you hanging? Trust me… I am sure the Lord has given you scripture and cling to it!!! God is writing a beautiful love story already in your life…this is just the beginning and Kelley I'm adding you to my list to pray for. Enjoy your single days---go on as many mission trips as you can…travel with your family…enjoy those nieces and nephews and invest in their lives…God has beautiful plans for your life!!!!

    1. Thank you so much, Erin! I thought of you so much while I was writing this - you have been a wonderful example and help to my sister in her musical journey, and I cannot tell you how often I think of you and what a shining example you have been to me while on my "single" journey. ;) You have an obvious peace and happiness that I hope shines through my single years, as well. Thank you so much for your prayers, and congratulations to you and your new husband! I'm so, so happy for you!!

  4. Kelly, I wasn't going to say anything, but I've had this very subject on my heart lately. I didn't really have the opportunities when I was in my late teens/early twenties like you have to be so involved in your church ministries. But that is priceless. I know that before the kids came along, I was able to throw myself into VBS, kids events, jr camps, etc. I had so much time to invest into the children! I had time to make visits, cook treats for people, send out cards and letters, do special things for missionaries, throw myself into church events, etc. Although I wouldn't trade my family for anything in the world, sometimes I do miss all that "free" time I had to simply "serve" God and others. Now, although I still manage to do some of that stuff, it's getting more and more difficult to find the time and the energy to go all out like I used to. I now have three meals a day to prepare, laundry to do, diapers to change, baths to give, a house to clean, and all the other countless responsibilities that come with having a family of your own. Those bombastic VBS's, kids events, church get togethers, etc, that used to be so simple are now added to the list and squeezed into every nook and cranny of my already busy day. The desire is still there, but my responsibilities have changed slightly and now I find I have to slip further into the background and let others carry most of the load while I go change a diaper or feed a hungry husband. :). So the free years that you have right now are priceless, both to you and to others around you. The things you can do and learn now will stay with you forever, whether they are heading up the Fall Festival, or taking a trip to Germany. Enjoy it, every minute of it. While there are beautiful blessings to having a family to love and tend to, the blessings of being single are just as rich and worthwhile. Though the wait can be hard, think of it as not only training for the future, but also service for those who can't do it anymore. Oh how I hated to miss out on Jr Camps! But my responsibilities changed as my family grew, and someday yours will too. Someday I'll be reading about your "changing responsibilities" on your blog!!! It'll come soon enough! :)