Not My Will

Written on Valentine's Day, but for some reason never posted. Oops!

Not my will, but yours be done, God.

Oh, the terrible fear that sometimes enters my heart when I release those words.

Did you know, it is not my will to be single this Valentine's Day? Did you know I almost broke down in WalMart today when I walked past the roses and balloons? I'm sure you could have guessed. It's not hard to imagine on this day, of all days.

This is not my will, but yours be done, Lord.

There are so many, many people - girls and guys - in the same place I am. Waiting and wondering if their dreams will ever become a reality, or if they're meant to simply be dreams, blowing away on the winds on time.

When will God's will miraculously morph into my will? When will I stop being selfish and give myself entirely to Him once and for all instead of having to do it multiple times throughout the day? When will I be ok with the fact that for 3 years running my life has looked exactly the same?

This is not my will! Yours be done, God.

What if His will is for me to be 45 years old, living in my parents' home, babysitting my nieces and nephews, and being the secretary at church?

That would not be my will. But if it's yours, Jesus, then let it be done. 

...and really, in the midst of His sovereign grace and goodness, would be be so bad?

I'll be honest with you, I don't want to be single anymore. Well, that's not 100% true, because I'm ok with it, as long as I can do some interesting things during this season of my life. Things like go on Missions Trips, travel to fun places... I'm not too picky.

It's the timeless fight against the old man.

I want change!

Be still.

I'm tired of everything being the same!

Be still.

Not my will? Right. Yours, Lord. Your will be done.

Gently, He shows me His patience with me. In those quiet moments when I get to be alone, just reading or thinking or writing. Those moments that I won't always have once I'm not single, moments to myself that are precious gifts to remind me that there is great contentment in the solitary.  And I realize I love these moments, and one day it will be hard for me to give them up...yes, it's been this way for going on three years, but I have come to love parts of this single life so much. Gentle reminders.

The hard moments are when I go to a wedding or a baby shower and then I leave and I come home and I sit alone in my room feeling jealous. In those moments, my life - and even my attitude -  is not my will.

And that's when He lets me daydream. Planning my own home in my mind. Naming children I dream up in the nurture-bent heart that He's given me.

I am not alone in this battle. Whatever plans you have for yourself - whether God-honoring or not - when they aren't coming to pass, it's hard to let them go. We feel like we have to negotiate with God, "Lord, I would honor you in my marriage, you know I would!" "God, I would raise my children to praise and love you, haven't I proven that to you?" Whatever you're waiting on, there must be a purpose behind the trial, a reason behind the tears. It's hard to remind ourselves of this and it gets old and tiresome, but it's not our will that matters. "Lord, it's your will that matters the most."

I don't know why it's so hard to wait. I don't know why God does the things He does or chooses the timing He chooses.

Some people say when you get to the point where you love God enough, He'll allow whatever you've been so desperately praying for to happen. But we can never love God enough. We can only strive to please Him and work to love Him more each day.

That's my biggest goal for 2014, and I thought it appropriate to share on Valentine's Day.

Release my will, and accept His with open arms. His is so much safer, and all of us can rest and accept whatever it is as long as we have His comforting security.

So as I sit here, alone, 21, single....on Valentine's Day. Again.

It's not my will. Jesus, it's yours.

"Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."

As long as I am happy serving Him, He will change my desires to match His, and I will be happier in His will that I could ever be in my own...and this is when His will morphs into mine!

mini recap | april pictures

April! Sunshine and open windows and trading our sweaters for short sleeves. Opening those closets and cabinets and SPRING CLEANING! I took it one day at a time and gutted my closet, bathroom, and dresser drawers. I still have a ton of things to get rid of, but I'm 98% there. Yay!

April was also the month of meetings here, meetings there, meetings everywhere! My dad preached all over Tennessee, Kentucky, and Alabama (not really though haha). We went with him as much as we could, and counting trying to keep halfway normal work schedules....well. Anyway.

I didn't take that many pictures, and the calender was too jumbled up to make anything out clearly, so this month is just a mini version of my normal recaps. You get pictures and maybe, maybe....maybe a short description on a few. We'll see. ;)

Girl's Night with Tara! Finally! :)

Benji:

We had a cow die in April shortly after giving birth to this calf so we had to bottle feed it, and we still are. My brother decided to name him Benji, after Benjamin in the Bible whose mother died after having him, too. It's a cute little thing, and somehow I got roped into feeding it whenever my mom's too busy. It was rainy and cold when we first started, and my mom had to get that picture of me (those of you that know me know that this is quite an abnormal thing for me to do. However, this calf is cute and we have a good relationship. ;) ) The boys love him, and Jace has got to feed him, too. We're still going at it everyday at 7:00am and 7:00pm!

I got my hair cut! It doesn't look super duper different, but I got several inches cut off. It was sort of a sad day, but my hair was in really bad shape and it needed help. I've come to love it though - and just in time for this hot weather we've been having!

Easter Sunday:

Something's not right with this picture.... ;) My dad got a black eye just in time for Easter! I love these pictures because they make me laugh. The Wednesday before, my dad was playing basketball with one of the teen guys from church. His head hit my dad's face and a black eye was left behind...for a week at least - it's still a little discolored now! The whole side of his face was swollen, and I feel so sorry for the boy that did it - accidents happen, this one just left behind some obvious evidence!

...and that's all you get for April! ;) It's been so busy around here, and this is just all I've had time for (and it's gotten done over the course of a week - yikes!)

I hope you've had a good May so far, I'm looking forward to things calming down for a minute or two! I know all of you in school are excited about being out for the summer - May reminds me that new chapters are beginning every day. Happy Spring!!

a smoothie a day

Last week I decided to try a new smoothie every morning for breakfast. I always feel better when I start the day with something light, and I love eating fruit! Since we're right at the brink of fresh fruit but not quite there, smoothies are the best way for me to eat fruit and it still tastes good. We have bags of different kinds frozen, so it isn't too hard! I always avoid bread in the morning - toast, muffins, etc... I don't always skip it, especially if my mom has made it special, I just feel better when I don't have it first thing after waking up. Saturday mornings are our exception. Everyone's home so we have biscuits, gravy (regular and chocolate), eggs, bacon, and homemade jellies galore.

If you follow me on Pinterest, you've seen me bombarding your home page with smoothie recipes! I tried a brand new one almost every day this week and, with the exception of one, I loved them all! And that one I didn't like, I really didn't like. It was an oatmeal smoothie that just didn't taste right, and I didn't take a picture of it, either. I ate that one Tuesday, so I've substituted Tuesday's recipe with my all time favorite oatmeal smoothie that I once ate for breakfast five days in a row!

Here are my five days of smoothie breakfasts. I started on Monday....

Monday | Mango Banana Green Smoothie

  (good for hair, skin, and nails)

• RECIPE•

Makes one serving.

1-2 handfuls of greens (I used kale and spinach)

1 handful of frozen mango

1 whole, frozen banana

coconut water or liquid of choice (I used orange juice)

blend, blend, blend!

Like most smoothie recipes, this one doesn't have exact measurements because it really needs to be tailored to your thickness and consistency preferences. Just wing it and enjoy! It doesn't taste like it looks, I promise. :)

Tuesday | Peanut Butter Banana Oatmeal Smoothie  

(for energy)

• RECIPE •

Makes one serving.

4-5 ice cubes

1/4 cup of dry oats

1 frozen banana

1 tsp. or so of peanut butter or PB2, a peanut butter with all the oils removed (I use PB2)

1 small scoop of vanilla protein powder, totally optional and be careful about using protein powder!

blend, blend, blend!

I like to drink this one on Sunday mornings because it fills me up a little more and my stomach won't growl in church if the service goes long! Be prepared for the oat-y texture. You can't really get rid of it in the blender and some people don't like it. It doesn't bother me!

Wednesday | Strawberry Cheesecake Smoothie

• RECIPE •

Makes one serving

1/2 cup of milk (skim or almond)

1/2 cup of cottage cheese (low-fat)

2 Tbs. of honey

1/2 tsp. of vanilla

1 cup of berries - your choice! I used strawberries because that's what we have, but raspberries would be awesome, too!

blend, blend, blend!

This recipe sounded a bit odd to me at first because of the cottage cheese, but I'm a big fan of it anyway so I decided it was worth a try. I was shocked at the wonderful cheesecake flavor! So, so good - not the healthiest of my recipes, but a little delicious mid-week splurge. :)

Thursday | Peach Smoothie 

• RECIPE •
Makes one serving.

2 peaches - or eyeball your frozen peach slices like I did
1 frozen banana
1 cup of plain, vanilla, or peach yogurt
1 tsp. of honey
1 handful of ice cubes (unnecessary if using frozen fruit) 
your choice of liquid, mine is always milk - skim or almond for smoothies
blend, blend, blend!

YOU NEED TO ADD THE HONEY! I didn't and this was so bland. But it's very good, just make sure you add the honey. :)

Friday | Sunny Hawaiian Smoothie 

• RECIPE • 

Makes about four servings. Just "guestimate" the amounts if you only need one serving.

1 cup of orange juice (I used orange/pineapple/banana juice because it's what we have and also my favorite juice)

1 can of crushed pineapple, with juice

2 frozen bananas

2 tsp. of honey

1 cup of vanilla, coconut, or plain yogurt (I used vanilla because I like the creamy flavor it adds)

blend, blend, blend!

This was a great way to end my "week" of smoothies because it turned out to be my favorite one! My favorite fruit juice has been orange/pineapple/banana for years, and it tasted almost like that but in smoothie form. :)

------------------------------

I hope you enjoyed this and are in the mood for a healthy smoothie now! Let me know if you try any of these and what changes you make - that's the wonderful thing about smoothies, each one can be customized to suit your taste buds! (But don't you dare leave out the greens in the first smoothie just because it looks "gross"! Our bodies need those dark green veggies and I promise you, your mouth won't know it's tasting vegetables!)

On top of smoothies, I've been trying to work myself up to drinking a gallon of water a day - so far I'm up to 1/2 a gallon a day, and I've drunk at least that much for 4 days in a row. I know a half a gallon doesn't sound like much, but it sure does feel like it to me!! We've leaped right over spring in my area, and the heat and humidity of  southern summers are creeping in so everyone's cutting back on the sweets, starches, and sodium! So far I've heard of calorie counters, soft drink cutters, sweets rejectors, and gluten-free dieters. Everyone seems to be working out and exercising - including me (gasp!) ...and that's just the people I know!

What are your health/fitness goals for summer? Eating more of one thing and less of another? Upping your cardio time? Give me some ideas of things I can do besides eating more fruit and water. I'm all ears (eyes?)!!

My April recap might be a little late, but I do have a sewing post in the works so stay tuned! I hope everyone is having the loveliest of springs! :)

rainy, busy, cold | march recap

March found us begrudgingly pulling on our boots once again while the temperatures dropped, it rained, and even snowed. It was such a whirlwind month, so I'll just recap a few of the highlights...

March 1 was Christine's birthday! We celebrated and had pie and presents but took no pictures. Here's one of my favorites from our trip to Arizona last September though:

March 6 was Jackson's 4th birthday. This little boy has saved everything for turning four. "When I'm four I can ride that bike." "I can do that when I'm four." This birthday was a momentous occasion! :)We did some shopping that day, and he gave Lena Rae her bottle while I pushed the buggy. It took a little finagling to fit it all, but we made it work! He was so excited to be able to help in this way. :)
(Update: Yesterday, March 31, Jackson mastered riding his bike with no help!)

March 8 the children in our church participated in the Masters Club Regional Competition and came home with many ribbons and awards. They were so excited and had been practicing for months. We're all a little proud of them! :)

March 9 - 12 was our annual Spring Meeting. Bro. Roger Hoots came up to preach and we had a wonderful meeting. His sermons were all about trusting in the Lord, and I believe it was exactly what we all needed. He stayed another 2 days to teach at a Pastor's School Cornerstone hosts. He and my dad taught several different classes for two days, and several pastors from surrounding areas and states came in for it. It's always a blessing to see so many pastors in one place!

March 16 - 20 my parents were out of town so Faith and Grace spent the night with us Sunday after church. We were going to have an Anne of Green Gables marathon but only barely made it through the first one! Maybe we'll finish it another time...

This is the only picture we took, and of course we were being silly. ;)

March 16, St. Patrick's Day. We don't celebrate it, but the boys thought it was so much fun to wear green and pinch anyone who wasn't ("but only once!"). The called it Green Day. :)

March 25 we had our first Girls Night with Lena Rae! We did a little shopping and went out to eat and got Starbucks on the way home. We had a lot of fun, and the older she gets, the more fun it will be!

March 29 Stephen and Tara flew in for a few days to look at some houses, and we met them for supper at Cracker Barrel. They're down to double digits until they move back and we cannot wait!!

Lena Rae meeting her Uncle Steedee for the first time :)

...and today is April Fools. I've only ever successfully pulled off jokes on this day twice, and I think I'm taking this year off. Let me know if you pranked or got pranked in the comments, I'm not opposed to pulling off a good joke every now and then! ;)

Before I end this blog, I want to make a complete about-face and get serious for just a second. This morning on my way to work I was listening to one of our church's special music CD's. The song One Day All The Soldiers Will Go Home started playing and I couldn't help but think of all our missionaries scattered around the world. They're away from their closest friends and family and I would love to have just an ounce of their faith. So many of them suffer in these hard or third world countries, and we might remember to pray for them once a day. Right now, please just take a very serious few minutes to pray fervently for them. For strength, for increased faith, for laborers to help them, for the nearly tangible presence of God in their day-to-day lives, for safety, for health....pray for them all the things you would wish they would pray for you were the roles reversed. Please pray especially for the Cormier family as they face a very difficult time in their lives right now: Joy Unspeakable

Have a lovely April, dear readers!

(If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?)

20 Questions

Another survey! Because why not? I love these things - reading them, filling them out, it's just good fun. :) I stole this one from Grace, so feel free to steal it from me, just let me know so I can read it! :)

1. What is your favorite cereal? Honey Bunches of Oats, and on a rare sweet cereal occasion, I choose Capt'n Crunch.
2. If you could bring someone famous back from the grave, who would you choose? This one is really hard. I think I'd have to choose someone from the Bible, and that would be John, the disciple who Jesus loved.
3. What is your favorite potato chip flavor?  Ruffles' sour cream and cheddar
4. What makes you really sleep? Rain. Fresh sheets. Clean hair (random).
5. What one thing annoys you most at a restaurant?  Rude waiters/waitresses. If I'm nice, be nice back please. You're getting paid anyway.
6. How do you like to relax? I like to curl up somewhere and read.
7. If fat, calories, cholesterol, etc were not an issue, what would you feast on? All the Italian foods.
8.  Aside from lettuce, what are your two favorite salad ingredients? Cottage cheese and grilled chicken.
9. What profession have you always admired? Doctors and surgeons.
10. What are your bad habits?  Biting my lips and fiddling with my ears - both subconsciously done and a little weird. 
11. When someone has bad breath do you tell them or try and ignore it?  I try to ignore it.
12. List 5 things you want to do before you die 1 - Go on a mission trip to a third world country. 2 - Get married. 3 - Backpack Europe. 4 - Visit Ireland. 5 - Have children. 
13. What's something you keep telling yourself you're going to do but keep putting it off? Work out.
14. In conversations, do you tend to listen or talk more?  Depends on who I'm with. But I think it's about 50/50
15. Type of music you like most?  I don't have a favorite specific genre. I like when a guitar is finger-picked, and I like gospel singing.
16. What was the last thing you bought?  gas *sad face*
17. What time is bed time?  I try to make it by 10 - 10:30 during the week, but on Friday nights just whenever I fall asleep.
18. Do you believe in love at first sight?  I believe in attraction at first sight that can eventually turn into true love.
19. Your dream vacation?  Anywhere warm and tropical with a beach. Hawaii, Bora Bora, Fiji, Bali, Jamaica... OR Prince Edward Island. Not really warm and tropical, but absolutely gorgeous.
20. Last musical you saw?  I think it was the Sound of Music.

The End. :)


...enjoy this picture of cuteness piled on top of cuteness:

sick and tired | february recap

Isn't that just the jolliest blog title? As I was trying to come up with one, the general consensus about February is that most people are sick, and if they're not sick, they're tired. In our town, RSV was visiting the little ones, including Lena and a few other barely out babies, but thankfully they're all on the mend, just keep them in your prayers! Every child in the nursery has runny noses. Amie has had mono this winter, which means several other sicknesses that have been passed around as well. Other things I've heard going around is colds (obviously), H1N1, strep, bronchitis.... how I have managed to stay this healthy I do not know! Dreaming of warm weather and brighter days ahead, let's review February...

February 2 the children's choir at church sang in our not quite yet completed sanctuary.

February 5 was my dad's 54th birthday. We had something going on every night the week of his birthday, so Wednesday night after church everyone came over to the house for dessert. It looked very similar to last year...

February 10th we had a baby shower for Miss Lena Rae. It was so much fun to plan and decorate, and she got so many beautiful things!

 February 13 we got to keep Jace, Jackson, and Tanner for a few hours. We played and ate supper, they took a bath in the jacuzzi, we played, and then they ate popcorn while they watched The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

February 14 was not only Valentine's Day, but also the day we had our annual Sweetheart Banquet at church. I was able to decorate and plan some games, but totally forgot to take pictures, which makes me very sad because it was beautiful! (In my opinion. ;)) Then I helped keep the nursery and I'm pretty sure all the couples had a fun time. My sister and her friend Grace prepared all the food and did a marvelous job!

February 15 my friend Hannah and her husband Jacob announced that they're expecting a baby girl, Amelia Kate. I don't have any pictures of their reveal party because I wasn't able to make it, but here's a picture she sent me of her baby's little hand...

February 20 - 21 our basketball team was in a tournament, which was also their last two games of the season. They didn't win this year, but came in third place.

At least we won that last game in a big way!

 At some point, the sanctuary was completed!

♥ February snapshots...

I hope everyone had a great February! It sure has been cold these last few days, so hopefully warm weather is just around the corner and will chase all this sickness away! Have a lovely March, dear readers!

Summer Dreaming

The last few days here have spoiled me. Saturday the temps got into the upper 60's and I spent my time reading in the sunshine, cleaning my room with the windows open, and dreaming of summer.

Today it's back to the low 40's and I'm depressed (not really, but the bubble has been burst).

"Sunny day, chasing the clouds away..." Back in my day, Sesame Street was a good show for kids to watch. That's not the case now, but I still like that old theme song!

So how DO you chase the clouds away when it's cold and you pull your boots and thick socks on and your office is freezing and the space heater by your desk doesn't work very well? Brrr....I need a blanket.

To get my mind off of my cold fingers, I'm going to do my Seven Smiles on Saturday on Monday because everyone likes Saturday better than Monday and also it was sunny and warm and I want it to be like that again.

♥ Seven Smiles on Saturday on Monday:

1. Sunshine!

Stating the obvious, but it was glorious. Not that we haven't had any sunny days this winter, but it was warm and not too breezy, and it smelled good.

2. The smell of vanilla.

This is random, but my mom bought some Dr. Pepper the other day, and in celebration of the beauty of Saturday I had one. (Saturdays are cheat days anyway, ok? ;)) I pulled a page from my childhood and added a splash of vanilla to it, and it is an unspoken law that you cannot take the lid off of the vanilla without smelling it once or twice. As many lotion, soap, and candle companies have tried to get the vanilla essence in their products, they just haven't quite got it yet. That stuff smells heavenly!

3. Lena Rae.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing, like a newborn baby. Jacob, Christine, and their crew came over for a little while Saturday afternoon and I got to hold Lena while they were here. Definitely a big smile on Saturday!

4. Breakfast "mountains".

A biscuit with crumbled up sausage, scrambled eggs, and gravy piled on top. "Give me this mountain, and I will eat all of it."

5. Reading.

I guess we should have seen that one coming from me! I recently finished The Mark of the Lion trilogy by Francine Rivers (a birthday gift from my mom). A fictional telling of the persecution of the Christians and Jews after the destruction of Jerusalem. (The last book in the series is set about 40 years after Jesus' resurrection.) The books are set in Jerusalem, Rome, Ephesus, Germania, and several different places in Israel. While it was fictional, it really affected me and prompted me to do my own research and digging about those places in this time period, so I filled my mind with truth vs. fiction, and she did a really good job! It opened my eyes to how weak my faith is, and convicted me to strengthen it. I've enjoyed several of her books, and Saturday I began another one, but I can't tell if I'm going to like it much yet or not.  

(In case you're wondering, yes, I've also read several non-fictional books and stories about that time period, not just feel-good fiction!)

• Side note: The mentioning of these books is not a personal recommendation from me. They deal with dark times and several controversial topics that I don't feel comfortable discussing on this blog. They are definitely for a mature reader, and because of my own beliefs and convictions, I simply cannot recommend them. I do however recommend learning as much about the persecution of Christians and Jews as your heart can handle. Our walk with the Lord in 2014 is nowhere near that of those who lived in the days after Jesus ascended. Broaden your mind, increase your faith!

6. Laundry from the line.

Laundry days at our house are usually Monday and Thursday, but because it was so pretty Saturday we did several loads so we could hang them on the clothesline to dry. They smell like fresh air and sunshine and I just can't understand why more people don't do this! It's wonderful!

7. Sunday Smile - This thought on prayer:

What if God had a shelf with all the things you've ever prayed for and He wanted to give you, but when the time was right for you to have it, you had stopped trying to please Him, stopped reading your Bible, praying, walking with Him? What kind of things is He waiting to bless you with if only you'd get back into step with Him, increase your faith, and make Him your number one priority?

The Bible shows us that God answers more prayers than He doesn't. He wants to answer our prayers, but the number one hindrance to that is sin. What would happen if we truly believed in the power of prayer?

"Satan tries to limit your praying, because he knows your praying will limit him."