a big little update

As many times as I've gone an extended amount of time without writing a blog post, I believe I've broken a record this time. Over a year since I've written a single thing to publish! In my mind, I'm writing nonstop, especially lately. Life has held so very many changes over the past 14 months that there's no way I could adequately write all about them in a single post. I truly want to get back into blogging so I'm going to gloss over the highlights of everything that has gone on and sincerely try my best to start regularly - or somewhat regularly - posting again.

August of 2020 we finally moved into our forever home! It took close to a year to build and as frustrating as it was to wait, driving back and forth with a baby so many times in the heat of summer, it was so very worth it! 

It looks much improved from this now!

In November my sister had her little girl, Edith Grace. Willa loves her baby cousin so much, and we live closer to them now so it's been so fun watching these two little girls together.

December 21, 2020, Willa Marie turned one. She's our little best friend and this day was such a happy, emotional, grateful, fun celebration of her life. She's such a sweetheart, almost always genuinely happy and eager to please. I could go on and on about her little personality but I'll save that for a later post!

In December we also finally shared the news that I was 14 weeks along with baby #2! This is something else that I want to write more about, as it was completely unplanned, took me a few months to actually believe, and generally just threw me for a complete loop.

26 weeks along, February 2021

February 23 Brandon and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. We were iced in our house for a little over a week in February and there was no going out anywhere! We still celebrated at home though and eventually had our annual pictures taken. 

And then most recently, on June 28, 2021, Harper Gayle joined our family! She weighed 8lb. 5oz., and was 22 inches long. I'm excited to write her birth story soon, but she's been the sweetest little addition and Willa absolutely loves her.

My heart is full, and I am excited to write more and share more hopefully soon. I have so many pictures that I just haven't had time to upload! For now though, Willa has woken up from her nap and supper needs to be started. My life has certainly held many changes since I wrote my first post on here and I am so grateful for each and every one!

motherhood

Lately I've had a thought on my mind and since Mother's Day is tomorrow, and since I was prompted by a friend, I figured I would try to write those thoughts down.

Not too long ago I was on the phone with my mom while I was feeding Willa. I tend to make my phone calls during that time because I know I won't have to worry about her suddenly crying and not being able to hear the other person or needing to quickly get off to see to her. She must have thought I was talking to her because she locked eyes with me and just smiled the entire time I was talking. I started laughing and told my mom, "Willa's eating and grinning at me. It's the cutest thing!" Her response, "Aw, I remember that. I always loved when y'all did that."

I'm not sure why, but even as I type that it brings tears to my eyes. These days I'm getting to share experiences with my mom that I never considered. We discuss lack of sleep, the beginnings of training, nursing, and so many other things. I am just now on the receiving end of these experiences, and they are over for her. It breaks my heart to consider being in her shoes one day. 

As I love and nurture my sweet baby it brings home to me that my mom did all of that for me. The incredibly huge and difficult sacrifices. The long, lonely days. The sleepless nights. The hours of holding a crying baby when all you can do is rock and cry along with them. Feeling inadequate, frustrated, unworthy, worried, and so in love...all at the same time. It's every emotion you've ever felt mixed with sleep deprivation and joy and it's overwhelming. It's motherhood and it's rewarded by those sleepy smiles, those tiny hands reaching out to touch your face, the little nose nuzzling in your neck.

I said it breaks my heart to consider being in her shoes...but I look at Willa and I wish for her all the joys that life has to offer. I wish for her a husband of her own one day, a house to make her own. Children for her to love and nurture. And I know I'll be there too, just as my mom and mother-in-law are. Always there to call and ask questions about dirty diapers, breastfeeding, and sleep. Always there to say "it's ok, give her a bottle if you need to", "let me come over between feedings and hold her so you can sleep", "no, you eat right now while I hold her", "you're doing the very best for her, just trust yourself".

I believe one of the hardest parts about being a mom is the guilt we feel if we ever do anything that doesn't fall under the description of being a mom. But when I take up the offer to babysit and I see Willa with her grandmothers, when I see their love for her, their care and their nurturing towards their granddaughter...I realize that once you have a baby you never stop being a mama. I get to share motherhood with my mom now, and it is the sweetest thing. I am more grateful for her than I've ever been, more thankful than I could ever express...and I know she understands.

Happy Mother's Day!

Willa's Birth Story

I wanted to document this story here because even though I journal, I also go back through old blog posts occasionally and read the "polished up" stories of my history. I also love reading birth stories and thought just maybe, there's someone out there who would enjoy reading mine.

We didn't find out the gender of our baby until she was born, but we had a boy name and a girl name picked out from the very beginning - before we even knew I was expecting. We didn't tell those names to anyone, not even our family! They knew the middle names would be mine or Brandon's depending on the gender, but that was all. All along I knew I wanted Brandon to tell me who it was I had given birth to.

I was due on December 17, but I was ready to get that baby out by Thanksgiving. Pregnancy was definitely NOT something I have any fond memories of. It was fun feeling her move, but that's where the good times ended! However, nothing was progressing...at all. I believe I may have had some Braxton Hicks but even that I'm unsure of. I was so incredibly swollen and around 7 months my stomach went pretty numb. I'm not sure what I felt beyond discomfort.

I was at the point where I was going to the doctor every week. At around 36 weeks the baby was already measuring over 7 pound so our bags were packed, carseat installed, and Brandon was instructed to have his phone on him AT ALL TIMES! No one thought I'd make it to my due date but after every appointment I had to text my parents, in-laws, and siblings and say "nothing yet".

Finally, at one of those appointments a couple of weeks before my due date, we went ahead and scheduled to be induced on December 19. I love love love my doctor, and this insured she would be on call and I wouldn't miss her by winding up going into labor over Christmas. Plus, this baby was big and none of us thought my body could handle going much longer.

Sure enough, December 17 came and went like any other day. Then the 18th passed us by, and December 19 was here. That week was an eternity long! It was a Thursday, and I spent the day resting, packing the rest of my things, showering and curling my hair, and I made BLT's for supper. We were supposed to be at the hospital at 8pm so we cleaned the kitchen, then tried to watch a show. I was fighting a panic attack the entire time and broke down sobbing on the way to the hospital. I still get weepy thinking about it. It was our last night just the two of us, and oh how I loved my time just the two of us! Brandon will always be my favorite person in the entire world and I was so excited to give him this gift of our baby but I also needed to say goodbye to this phase of our lives. HE played Christmas music the whole way there and pointed out all the houses lit up for the holiday. It's my favorite season, and how special we were on our way to have the best gift of all.

We got checked in and I got checked and sure enough - NO PROGRESS! It's funny now, but we just shrugged our shoulders. Whenever someone would ask me my birth plan I told them I had one step: get an epidural. I'm honest about my lack of pain tolerance, and I was TERRIFIED of labor and delivery. I knew I would have to "suck it up" for the healing process, so I wanted to enjoy having this baby as much as possible. Being induced isn't ideal and I hope next time I go on my own, but I will always hope for an epidural! It was truly amazing (for me).

They started the induction that night and Brandon and I tried to sleep. I was constantly being checked and his "bed" was pretty awful so it was a sleepless night. I don't remember when they started the pitocin but it was sometime the next day. They ended up giving me a pain killer in my IV that allowed me to get some sleep through the contractions, and then that afternoon the epidural went in. I still wasn't progressing much though, and it was pretty disheartening. I was getting so hungry, and I kept sending Brandon out to drive around, eat something...anything to help him kill time. I had really bad sinus drainage my entire pregnancy and this day was no different. I started feeling pretty sick that afternoon and chugging water and sprite to "fill up" my stomach only helped me empty it. I only thought the past 9 months had been miserable...

I finally started progressing more late in the afternoon. We'd pulled an all nighter and just wanted to have this baby! At some point the epidural rerouted itself and I was in a ton of pain. Brandon talked me through each contraction but I was sobbing and the nurses were doing everything they could to help me. I ended up getting a second epidural and relaxed so much. I was talking about how I couldn't decide between Chick-fil-A or Arby's once I could eat again (I craved fast food the whole pregnancy) but at this point we were getting close to midnight. 

I don't know what time the nurses checked me, but I was finally close enough that if nothing happened in the next couple of minutes they were going to have to get me ready for a ceserean. Like I said, I had a simple birth plan. I only wanted to get my baby here as safely as possible for both of us. They called my doctor, I gave one practice push, and we were good to go! 

I don't know how long I pushed or how many times I did. I remember feeling so sick from the reflux laying flat on my back and they "broke the rules" and let Brandon give me some Tums. He picked a blue one and a pink one and melted all the nurses hearts. 

My doctor was the only one who knew the gender so each time a nurse's shift would end she'd tell the next one to text her when the baby was born and tell her what it was. I will never forget pushing (thankfully not feeling a single thing), and feeling like superwoman with the nurses, my doctor, and Brandon cheering me on and telling me how great I was doing. At 2:45am on Saturday, December 21, the baby was finally born. A misconception about epidurals is that you miss the experience...let me tell you, I did not. I fully enjoyed the experience and knew the second the baby was no longer inside of me. 

I'll never as long as I live regret not finding out if the baby was a boy or girl. The moment Brandon turned back to me and said, "It's Willa" will forever be engrained in my memory. It's a priceless moment to me, one I'd been looking forward to my entire life. I was shocked because I was convinced it was a boy, and the nurses were crying. 

She weighed 8 pounds, 4 ounces, and was 21.5 inches long.

We brought her home on Monday, December 23, 2019.

Our Christmas baby, a little angel.

My niece Josie was born in January two years ago, and my brother brought a huge bag of her pink clothes to the hospital for us!

I believe the "fourth trimester" is real and hard, and I'll talk about that (hopefully) in my next post. Thank you for reading!

hello again

I have no idea how to start this post so I'm just going to just jump right into it!

Honestly, I have SO MANY things I want to write about. I want to do a post all about my thoughts on postpartum life - the emotions, adjustments, etc... (it's so hard and I just now feel more like myself). I want to write about how my entire world has changed, I want to update you on our house progress, I want to write about all the things! But right now the most prevalent thought in my mind is fear.

About three weeks ago a tornado ripped through areas 30 and 45 minutes away from me. It literally touched down, destroyed homes and businesses, picked up and dropped the trash on my county, and then touched back down on the other side and was even more destructive. People lost their lives, an entire family was killed, and they are still working on the recovery of these areas. We got the alert on our phones late that night, we heard the strong winds, we experienced that eery silence and then the random hail that followed. I was nervous, but the tornado watch had already ended so I didn't know the extent until the next morning. Was I practicing faith or was I just able to relax because of my ignorance?

The following Thursday we were warned of heavy winds, rain, and hail coming through that night, the possibility of more tornadoes...in MY area. That whole day I held Willa tighter, called Brandon more, and prayed so hard. In these instances none of us are exempt. None of us have any control. We went to bed and I pulled Willa's bassinet right up next to our bed. We prayed, we fell asleep, and it only rained a little. God was there and he was protecting us. But where was my faith then?

Now we're facing a virus and the panic and chaos surrounding it is something I've never experienced before. It isn't just my county, my state, or even my country. I honestly haven't been sure how to react. There's a temptation to panic simply because everyone else is panicking. I have no advice on what we should do. When I heard they might close grocery stores down for 2 weeks I felt like I needed to go out and get a bunch of stuff but then I took stock of what we have. I was already stocked up on groceries because I have a three month old and I don't like to get her out much anyway (she never left our house until she was a month old). I've always practiced social distancing because I'm introverted. But faced with the chance of having no choice? Of stores limiting what we're allowed to buy? The government controlling where we go? That's different, isn't it.

I don't know what this is going to do to our nation. I have no idea what's going to happen to the economy. I don't believe we should bury our heads in the sand and act like nothing is going on, but I also don't think we can put our lives on hold. We're building a house and I want to move in. So Brandon goes to work, does what he can at the new house, then comes home and washes his hands before holding his little girl. I wipe our phones down with alcohol at night, I wash my hands more often. We take our vitamins, I keep my baby at home. Let's practice cleanliness as much as we can, let's not share our germs as much as we can, let's stay home as much as we can, and let's trust God to guide us when and if we need to do more. That's what we're doing anyway, and I remind myself multiple times a day not to dwell on "what if's". As a naturally anxious person I've learned the best way to not worry is to not think about the things that make me worry. 

As her mother and father, we meet all of Willa's needs and protect her. As our Father, the Lord will do the same for us. Have the faith of my three month old and rest in Him.

our little one

Willa Marie

December 21, 2019

 2:45am

8 lb. 4 oz. 21.5 in.

The best gift of all.

just a little update

"Baby J" due December 17, 2019

I don't know how many people follow my blog that didn't already know we're expecting, but surprise! I went back and forth about whether or not to make an "online announcement" before the baby was born, but I decided enough people know already that I might as well. 

We waited 12 weeks before telling our families and 16 weeks before telling anyone else. It was so much fun having that sweet little secret between just the two of us and I honestly wanted to wait a lot longer than that. However, when you're sick all the time and starting to randomly get swollen, those things become a bit harder to conceal!

For fun, I thought I'd include the answers to the questions I get asked most frequently...

"How far along are you?"

28 weeks! That means we have 12 weeks left if the baby shows up right on time, which is rare.

"How have you been feeling?"

Pretty good right now. I had all day sickness for about 15 weeks but now the only thing I deal with is heartburn and reflux in the evenings. Oh, and intense swelling thanks to the 90+ degree days we're still consistently having, hence the reason I cropped my feet out of that photo! I can't do anything about my puffy face, oh well! (Yes, I've tried putting my feet up, staying out of the heat, moving around, and laying on my left side. I'm drinking around a gallon to a gallon and a half of water every day so at this point it's just a "hold out til the baby's born" thing!)

"What's the gender?"

We don't know! I've never wanted to find out, but it took some convincing for Brandon. I'm loving the added anticipation and I think it will help me get through the final stretch. (The heart rate has stayed right around 140 for those who like to try to guess gender that way.)

"Do you have names picked out?"

We do, but not even our family knows what they are. We've had names picked out since long before we even started trying and we haven't wavered yet!

"What have you been craving?"

Nothing crazy, really. My favorites have always been those of a twelve year old - pizza, hot dogs, french fries, ice cream...now I just want MORE of those things! I've been enjoying chicken salad and dill pickles more than usual too. Big babies run on both sides of our families so I've tried to watch my weight as much as I can but the swelling is adding water weight I can't control. (None of my cravings point towards boy or girl either, according to all the old wives tales.) Oh, and I guess if I gave in to my REAL craving it would be a McDonald's cheeseburger, fries, and mocha frappe every single day. I can't and wouldn't do that but...I may have given in once or twice.

"Have you been feeling the baby a lot?"

Not much at first, but definitely a lot more now that it's getting bigger. Neither me nor Brandon were very hyper children, so it doesn't surprise me that our baby isn't super active. But it is a very amazing (and very weird haha) sensation!

I'm in my third trimester now and very ready for December! Brandon has been the very best during this journey. Making sure the kitchen was clean and "scent free" during those long weeks of sickness, and sending me back to bed the mornings after I've tossed and turned all night. We're surrounded by family and I couldn't have asked for a better pregnancy experience. My sister-in-law Tara is expecting as well and is due just a few weeks before me! 

We are SO excited! Life is flying by and I know December will be here before I know it. I hope you all had a wonderful summer and enjoy a lovely fall!

home

I heard an old song a few days ago that put the subject of home on my mind and I haven't been able to get it off. It's a secular song so I won't recommend it, but it basically talks about the person you love feeling like home. It reminded me of a quote I sent Brandon once that said, "Falling for him wasn't falling at all. It was walking into a house and suddenly knowing you're home."

I remember the night before our wedding sitting on the floor of my old bedroom weeping as I said "goodbye" to the room that had become my haven the past several years. I was at home with my parents until I was 25 and both of my brothers had been moved out for years. The second floor of our house had become somewhat of a secluded place for me and my sister as we had become adults and each of our rooms had our stamp, our touches, our comfort. It was without a doubt "my happy place" filled with my books and journals and pictures and memories on top of memories of hours spent reading, praying, dreaming, hoping. I had said a teary goodnight to my family but as I prepared for bed and the house grew silent I simply sat on the floor, leaned against my bed, and cried for about 20 minutes bidding farewell to the only place I'd ever called home.

One of my favorite quotes is by Anatole France and says, "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another."

Marriage was a much longed for change for me, but there was definitely some melancholy and I did expect to experience a little homesickness the first few weeks. Surprisingly it never happened. There was once, maybe a month or so after the wedding, that I was back home one afternoon to pick up some things that it got to me just a little. My mom was in the kitchen and I ran up to my old room. I passed Amie reading in her room across the hall and entered the bedroom that at that point still looked just as I had left it. There was a split second that it all hit me that this part of my life - this very big part - was over forever. There was no coming back. But I had already grieved, and someone else had quickly become my home.

Eleven short months later Amie was on her honeymoon. Brandon went on a 3-day ski trip and my dad was preaching an out of town meeting so my mom and I both found ourselves alone in our houses. Given the opportunity to spend a couple of nights in my old bed I came to the surprising realization that it just didn't feel like mine anymore. Whether my house was empty or not, I had created a new space that I was attached to. This place had Brandon's things, Brandon's smell, and if I was going to be without him for a few days I wanted to be in  a place where I still felt him.

Now, six months later as we take more and more steps to starting our "forever home", the place we are now feels more temporary than ever. We've been saying "I can't wait til..." and "It's going to be so nice to..." We never wanted to feel too attached to a rental and I can safely say we have succeeded. But it has been a home for us and it will continue to be for the next several months.

Last night as we laid in bed I listened to Brandon's deep breathing and felt a panic sweep over me. It's been a tough few weeks. We've both been sick and it's been a struggle trying to get better. It's been incredibly hot and we've been wiped out. I'll admit, I've done an extraordinary amount of complaining. But last night, laying there, I couldn't get out of my mind how much I love this life we have. My dad's messages yesterday were on suffering, and with so much of it around us I feel so incredibly blessed, so thankful for these things I do not deserve. My feelings of panic came with the knowledge that this too, is temporary.

We have another home waiting for us. My PawPaw is there. Brandon's Gramma is there. Our grandparents, our parents, so many people we know and love are anxious to be there too. But me? I like my home here. Perhaps I'm too attached. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm not afraid of my eternal dwelling place. I have simply been so blessed by a merciful God, and I am enjoying those blessings with every fiber of my being. I know there is better waiting but my small, carnal mind just can't imagine much better right now. And so this is how I imagine heaven. It's home. I know enough to know that it won't be like I expect, but if I imagine it different I can't fathom it being as good. So to me, it is my home, it is the people I love and am loved by. It is this life I have but without sin and temptation, worry or anxiety.

I hope we can all come to the place where we see our sufferings as God's purification. Where we see the small blessings as infinite joys. Where we can make a beautiful home with our meager earthly belongings, while looking towards a home our finite minds simply can't comprehend.

Heaven will be our best day ever, magnified and multiplied. Heaven is home, and home is the greatest blessing I know.