motherhood

Lately I've had a thought on my mind and since Mother's Day is tomorrow, and since I was prompted by a friend, I figured I would try to write those thoughts down.

Not too long ago I was on the phone with my mom while I was feeding Willa. I tend to make my phone calls during that time because I know I won't have to worry about her suddenly crying and not being able to hear the other person or needing to quickly get off to see to her. She must have thought I was talking to her because she locked eyes with me and just smiled the entire time I was talking. I started laughing and told my mom, "Willa's eating and grinning at me. It's the cutest thing!" Her response, "Aw, I remember that. I always loved when y'all did that."

I'm not sure why, but even as I type that it brings tears to my eyes. These days I'm getting to share experiences with my mom that I never considered. We discuss lack of sleep, the beginnings of training, nursing, and so many other things. I am just now on the receiving end of these experiences, and they are over for her. It breaks my heart to consider being in her shoes one day. 

As I love and nurture my sweet baby it brings home to me that my mom did all of that for me. The incredibly huge and difficult sacrifices. The long, lonely days. The sleepless nights. The hours of holding a crying baby when all you can do is rock and cry along with them. Feeling inadequate, frustrated, unworthy, worried, and so in love...all at the same time. It's every emotion you've ever felt mixed with sleep deprivation and joy and it's overwhelming. It's motherhood and it's rewarded by those sleepy smiles, those tiny hands reaching out to touch your face, the little nose nuzzling in your neck.

I said it breaks my heart to consider being in her shoes...but I look at Willa and I wish for her all the joys that life has to offer. I wish for her a husband of her own one day, a house to make her own. Children for her to love and nurture. And I know I'll be there too, just as my mom and mother-in-law are. Always there to call and ask questions about dirty diapers, breastfeeding, and sleep. Always there to say "it's ok, give her a bottle if you need to", "let me come over between feedings and hold her so you can sleep", "no, you eat right now while I hold her", "you're doing the very best for her, just trust yourself".

I believe one of the hardest parts about being a mom is the guilt we feel if we ever do anything that doesn't fall under the description of being a mom. But when I take up the offer to babysit and I see Willa with her grandmothers, when I see their love for her, their care and their nurturing towards their granddaughter...I realize that once you have a baby you never stop being a mama. I get to share motherhood with my mom now, and it is the sweetest thing. I am more grateful for her than I've ever been, more thankful than I could ever express...and I know she understands.

Happy Mother's Day!